Advice Needed

Zedland​(dom male) • Jan 22, 2023

The only thing I have to add is that it might be helpful to create an environment where he knows it's okay to indulge a little. Ask him about his fantasies, act a few of them out so he is more receptive to yours. Sometimes people just need to know it's okay to let their hair down and those around them won't freak out.

I mean it does come off as a little strange when you tell someone you want to tie them up in your basement and do unspeakable delicious things to them.

I'mME • Jan 22, 2023

Curious M,
You say you did some looking into BDSM, was that reading educational material, romance?

Babies are not born dominant or submissive . They may have leadership qualities but that doesn't translate into dominant. The word natural when used in relation to describing a human being tends to suggest the people who don't use that word are faking it, imposter, that they may not be on the same level as the natural Dom or natural sub.
I am going to approach from another angle. The reason I asked where you were getting information from is there are unfortunately people who depict this stuff as all thrills and don't mention anything else such as the need for good communication skills, how to be vulnerable (this is not as easy as it sounds) the pitfalls are never mentioned, although someone touched briefly on it.
Involving others in the sexual aspect (what if your partner came aboard and this ultimately is what they wanted), humiliation (different for everyone, things that humiliate) , there is so much more that I could never do it justice here, I would need extra paper. Lol.
Are you the first gf of your partner? Is he your first?
Sometimes people feel like they will be judged , ridiculed by their partner if they are sexually adventurous .

Let me tell you something, feeling judged does not go away because you decide one day you like kinky shit.
Have you ever watched porn with him? Telling your partner that you want more sexually is not something that is nice to hear. Wait a minute, hear me out. Out yourself in his shoes, and your partner says why can't you do this or I want you to do that. Males (who had someone that cared enough to instill things, teach things) are raised to nor be rough with women, to not hit women, to be gentle, blah . So if that is the case with him and here his gf is telling him she wants you to slam her against the wall, you have his shoes on, so what do you think that would be like hearing that?
Several things off the top of my head come to mind.

I have not been satisfying my partner...
Do they get irritated when we have sex...
How long have they felt this way?
Oh my gosh, what what what, why, why, why..

I wrote the above just to give you another perspective than what you got here and the one you have. A look at how he may have viewed , views what you have told him several times now.
You were being honest and I commend you for that, people judge honesty and that pisses me off.
I asked about porn, because if that is something you already do, maybe pick some porn with spanking , or a partner being a tad aggressive and watch together. If watching porn isn't something you two have done together, try something along the lines of what I already suggested , wear something that makes you feel sexy or nothing and have the porn ready.

Different approaches for different personalities ladybug.
You know him , I don't , but I know people and it's quite a jolt for your partner to say they want something different sexually and that something is to be treated roughly, animal like sex, or whatever flavor is yours.
It may be that he is not the best partner for you, because another thing I know is that being in a relationship that doesn't satisfy your NEEDS (things that you need to live function as happy in society) . Wants are different. You don't have any experience with BDSM (and I don't know where you DID get your information) so are you aware of needs vs wants (not a BDSM concept, but is important to know these things for any individual as it relates to helping them figure out what's important to them specifically to be happy individual in life. Then when they meet a potential mate, and that person is not willing to make sure that specific need is taken care of, then they will not be compatible for you....because it's a need vs you would like that but don't need it, to be happy.

There is no way to write all that I want to tell you. I would not want you to potentially hurt and/or run off your mate bc if something that you thought you wanted, does that make sense. We don't know what or who he is or capable of. Please do not take it contemplate the suggestion that you go behind his back and get a Dom. The foundation of BDSM is consent (if your mate consents for you to see someone outside of your -ships, okay, bc that can/does happen) and 2 pillars are trust, and honesty, so that breaks 3 tenants of BDSM, getting a Dom behind your partners back on the d-low.

I hope I haven't confused you, my intent was to give you a perspective on how your mate may feel, a way to spice something up, a beginning, maybe spark an idea of your own since you know them, some things to think about study on your own, and caution against one thing to NOT DO.

REACH OUT if you like

Nonya

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jan 23, 2023

Well said

Bunnie • Jan 23, 2023

My suggestion is to focus on your growth. As you shift, how you interact with him will change. Giving him space to be himself is the greatest way to see what is truly there. How can you give him that space? By not stepping into it. A strange suggestion, I know.
So often we see and hear others, and want to ourselves, tell others how we need them to show up. Yet we can at times forget to focus on how we show up for others. Focus on how you show up to him.
A great book I’d suggest reading to help you find the space inside yourself that you’re hoping you may find with another is, The Wild Woman’s Way, by Michaela Boehm.
Discuss this journey with him. Share what you discover about yourself. Practice being vulnerable and open with him.
That to me, is a good first step.

Good luck to you both

raiseaneyebrow • Jan 23, 2023

I feel your pain OP - for me BDSM is about escapism and release from the real world and its day to day drudgery.

But, as others have said, you can't always get someone to change their mindset - but you can talk to them about your needs and express how much you need their help. Perhaps with some broader discussions and some demonstrations it will become clearer.

You need to balance your needs against pushing them too far out of their comfort zone, too hard too fast and you could blow it. Perhaps talk while you play vanilla, perhaps add in some BDSM elements on yourself like restraint etc while you explore normally?

Horror Business​(dom male) • Jan 23, 2023

Cheating is shitty.

Agreeing with the other folks here. There's no "converting" vanilla people. You might be able to get them to play a role for fun, but going by what you've said it seems unlikely. Communication is key in any relationship, and this is something that you're either going to have to have some real conversations about, bury it, or find another outlet. Personally I'd only go for option 1. I definitely tried to get vanilla partners to try things when I was younger and it always ended up with resentment on both sides. It all depends on how much you value the relationship vs how much you want the dynamic.

Defender​(dom male) • Jan 23, 2023

Agreed.

So, if the first option does not work - and unfortunately there is no guarantee it will - then the other two options swim into view - i.e. bury your desires, or find another outlet.

"Cheating is shitty".

Yes, it is.

However, I know two subs who have had to face options two and three.

Apparently burying your inner self with no way out, is equally shitty!

From talking to those in this position, I have learnt not to moralise, or guilt-storm a person who is already finding it hard enough.

Any implied suggestion that they are cheats or shitty, is not worthy of The Cage.

Horror Business​(dom male) • Jan 23, 2023

That's bullshit. Cheating doesn't make you a horrible person, but it's shitty behavior and I wouldn't want a partner with a history of cheating. If you don't have the fortitude to either have a conversation to open up a relationship or end it, you aren't emotionally mature enough to handle bdsm dynamics.

It's not about guilt. Wanting to have your cake and eat it too is fucked up, immature shit. If one cares enough about a vanilla partner that they can't bear to leave them, one should care enough about their feelings enough to not run around on them.

Burying shit is bad long term, for sure, and not a viable solution if the dynamic is closer to orientation than simple kink.

Other outlets don't have to be cheating if they are discussed with the other person prior.

dirmn​(dom male) • Jan 24, 2023

I agree with Secret Mind and Solace, particularly that you need to really, really understand the scope of the role you're asking someone to fill for you.

I'll also echo NCarraway as a fellow late bloomer - sometimes we need to be woken up to understand our proclivity toward any type of sexual role. I will say that for me, looking back on my pre-awakening, there were plenty of signs of a bent toward my current lifestyle. If you can picture your partner moving to a dominant role somewhat naturally, there might be hope for a conversion....but it almost certainly won't be a rapid transition.

Defender​(dom male) • Jan 24, 2023

We will have to agree to disagree.

If you meet someone who has had to deal with this dilemma - and hasn't dealt with it in your prescribed manner, just tell them they are "fucked up, immature shit".

I am sure that will help.....