first time

first time

Warriorphoenix • Feb 6, 2023

alot of bdsm relationships appear to be a relationship where limits etc are agreed and respected. but with 'normal' relationships certain things are expected and if not its not good. i want to explore this by chatting to people in the bdsm community

CSI • Feb 6, 2023

I am confused. What do you mean in "normal" relationships certain things are expected?

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Feb 7, 2023

There is nothing "normal" about any given D/s relationship. Any time you expect something to be "normal", you are going to regret it one way or another.

The fine art to an ongoing D/s relationship is communication. The D side has to guide this commination or just expect it to fail. It is not so much a compatibility test as it is to see if they have the intestinal fortitude to make something other than a slam/bam/thank you Ma'am one night stand.

aceaceace​(sub female) • Feb 7, 2023

Are bdsm dynamics not normal?

Please elaborate for us who aren't the brightest bulb in the tanning bed.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Feb 8, 2023

The thing is, much like a vanilla relationship, each BDSM relationship is different from every other relationship. This is because of the people involved. There is nothing basic. There really isn't something that everyone likes and included in every relationship. There is no baseline. That is why everyone should do the communication and "negotiations". Personally I think of it as a courting ritual.

Miki • Feb 8, 2023

A favorite quote I learned about quite a while ago says, "Why be normal?"

But on a serious note, there are always similarities among relationships but no two are "alike". Hell, even a given pair going long term find their dynamics (twisted or not) metamorphose during their time together. Even "limits and expectations" shift, so as the Hulk Hogan-esqe dude says (above; TopekaDom) Communication and negotiation--- one common denominator with relationships either between freaks or "ordinary folks" (I avoid the use of the word "vanilla" I find it just a smidgen condescending) But that's just me.

Personally I'm the ma'am who preferred the "slam-bam then scram" Much less work for me and besides, excessive "intestinal fortitude" can lead to the shitting of bricks, ----and, as someone's grandmother might have referred to, some time in the distant past, a case of "Piles".

Re: first time

I'mME • Feb 8, 2023

warrior Phoenix,

By normal relationships do you mean ones where BDSM, kin, power exchange is not practiced? Vanilla perhaps?

I'mME • Feb 8, 2023

Normal is subjective. This is what I know, there will always be someone who will disagree with how you engage in TTTWD, I enjoy reading about others dynamics, their kink, anything they want to share (voyeurist), people will not always agree, that I find is normal.
What should never be normalized is people in the community listening or reading another member of the community maligning someone else in a thread. What they have to say should be said to the person they disagree with/ whatever their issue is.

missusK​(sub female) • Feb 9, 2023

Okay, I'm going to assume "normal" meant "vanilla".

Yes, People who engage in BDSM and live as a member of the lifestyle (in some fashion, but not necessarily 24/7) do live in a world of limits, consent and safewords. This gives us each our own "license" to operate in this world. When we brake those cardinal rules of BDSM, that license is revoked (or it should be).

I agree, that in the vanilla world, those things are lacking. I also agree that the vanilla world does have expectations. Like monogamy, marriage, etc.

One area that the world of BDSM does a kick ass job, and the vanilla world can learn from is by putting communication at the forefront of all relationships. Lifestyler's talk about everything, especially the things that bring us shame and make us feel judged. In vanilla relationships, these things are rarely spoken of and in fact, are actually expected not to be spoken of regularly. Things Like opening a marriage, denied desires, etc. are often pushed aside in the name of being a husband, wife, religious, etc.

When entering the lifestyle, it can be awkward to let go this part of yourself and to fully explore open, honest communication with no holds barred. But as someone who has lived a life in both worlds, I can say that lifestylers' are often healthier, mentally, and physically, and usually have a better understanding of their psyche and negative traits. They also work towards self-improvement more actively than those who are not practitioners of BDSM . This may not always be true, but it has been in my case.