A Serious Question

Musetta​(sub female) • Jun 25, 2023

I’m going to be honest, unless and until I’m in a dynamic…it IS all about me. My natural tendency, left unchecked, is to become absorbed in the needs, wants, and perspective of my partner.
While meeting people, I keep a firm eye on my wants/needs and how those new people make me feel. When interacting with them, I do a lot of deep listening in an effort to understand who they are and their wants/needs.
When I’m not in a dynamic, the only people it makes sense to be deeply concerned with, is myself and the people I love.

That seems reasonably healthy to me. I feel like the goal is an alignment of wants and needs of the people in the dynamic. When misaligned, it can feel like both people are just being selfish. Kind of as Miki said, it’s about compatibility.

MstressWhipplash​(dom female) • Jun 24, 2023

A FemDom long term relationship is a RELATIONSHIP first. It's two people connecting long term as there is mutual compatibility.
That means getting to know each other as people to SEE if there is mutual compatibility over a few years, at least, of dating.

So until she consents to be in authority over him and the Submissive or Slave consents to give up authority to her? No.

Not giving up authority to her yet doesn't mean being a dick. It means using the manners your mother gave you. Teaching an adult adulting isn't something I am interested in.

There is absorbing what EACH person likes and dislikes in life then kink.

IF all of that is compatible then she chooses to lead. Discussions occur regarding what parts of the Submissive or Slave life she has authority over. Each relationship is different but what remains at the core is mutual trust, mutual friendship, love, fun and laughter. The Dominant Woman being in authority and the Submissive/Slave being OBEDIENT.

How does he stop being self-serving?

In my personal opinion if he is a bottom seeking kinky play a relationship with a Dominant Woman won't suit her because he will remain his base nature.

In my personal view a Submissive puts their Owner/Dominant first above what they seek. If that guy approaching at the beginning is already struggling to keep his kink list in his pocket until she asks, then there isn't compatibility and he should move on.

cherilynn​(sub female) • Mar 26, 2023

In my experience, the people who have a healthy balance between self care and consideration for others know what empathy and consideration are and practice such consistently.

In my most humble view, relationships, kinky or otherwise, work best when both partners work together as a team as opposed to all the focus going towards one person.


YMMV

Re: A Serious Question

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Mar 22, 2023

Yet another qualifying person, this is just my thoughts... an answer, not meant to be 'the answer.'
Also, sorry for chopping up your post, just trying to isolate the stuff that evoked thoughts and feelings in me.

"It's all about me."

i read that a lot on BDSM sites, from both sides of the slash. I.e., i read "dom's" asserting that it's all about them, saying straight up they are "selfish." i read 'subs' asserting that "it's all about the dom." If someone says that to me, i say "no thank you, i don't think i'm what you're looking for." But then, my definition of immaturity is self centeredness, and i think is self centered person is not relationship ready. But no one ever asks, lol, so i manage to avoid that awkward explanation.

i think we avoid selfishness or self centeredness by being self minded, which kinda sounds counter intuitive... but i think that what sometimes seems to be "intuition" is really cultural programing that often conflicts with "intuition/inclination.' We're not taught to identify our deepest needs and wants, so we're often unaware of them, or we hide them or we don't know how to articulate them, or_____________. i think if we can identify the important stuff, learn to articulate it, we can find someone who we are compatible with. Of course, the devil is in the details, eh? So not as easy as it seems, just finding two people who approach relationship this way is challenging.

You've likely guessed by now that i don't think there is such a thing as self becoming un-self. Even the sub who is all about service... is a self that is all about service. Or hates to wash dishes, but loves to be made to do stuff they don't want to do on a deeper level. And on and on.

A quick read of your profile leads me to believe you have a good idea of what you want and need. To me, all those things comprise your "self" and to become un-self would sort of end your being, and none of this would matter. i think there's a difference between selfishness and nurturing your self. i don't think there is such a thing as a relationship without compromise, because no two people are 100% compatibile. That's why i think it's important to identify our needs from our wants, or our essential wants from those we can compromise on. i could give a examples of what i mean, but that's prolly not necessary?
i see "Dom" as a controlling position, and to me, real control is not about demands, it's about influencing and controlling a subs need to please, etc..

This is a vast topic to me, but a few of my thoughts. <3

Steellover​(sub male) • Mar 21, 2023

To answer the question succinctly, I think it is different for every person, and it depends on what your goal is in the relationship. To me, it is: 1) the connection and shared dynamic, 2) the respect, and 3) the balance of life in general. And above all: 4) Her.

Fetishes are important- otherwise what you have is simply a domaneering or abusive partner; a form of Femdom/maledom without the kink or BDSM, so to speak. I have known people in this type of relationship. Most find it unpleasant. Unless, of course, there is that extra "spice." This falls in part with the first thing; the connection and shared dynamic.

The second thing is limits, what are yours, what are your partners, and basic communication, and this goes hand in hand with respect.

The third thing is, what are the expectations of the relationship? Do you want a 24/7 live in arrangement where you are a literal slave, or do you want a life balance where you commit to spending time with (and submitting to) your partner but still allow some "Me" time for friends, work, and your own personal hobbies. And is your need in this regard in alignment with the expectations of your dominant partner?

The last thing is, if you really care about someone, love someone, and want to be with someone, then you will focus on their needs- do those things you do to make someone smile. Because that, I believe, is the key to any romance, even a vanilla one.

K y i v • Mar 21, 2023

In my experience it is not about kinks, lists or expectations.
It is two people connecting, in that rare way, that nothing matters but one another.

Miss Anima​(dom female) • Mar 21, 2023

What is the key to avoiding a self-minded reputation?

Easy dont be self minded.

xfaex • Mar 21, 2023

I am going to concentrate in your question more than in your story, as I have 0 experience in Femdom and I don't actually care to try it.

What is the key to avoiding a self-minded reputation?
I don't give a crap about the reputation part, I care about the other part. so let me reformulate the question for you.

What is the key to avoid being self-minded?
I will try to answer in the best of my capacity, according to my worldview and experiences. this is my perspective on this particular question.
let the rant begin.

I believe the key to avoid being self minded, which I'm going to begin calling being selfish, is to go back to the basis of what BDSM is. so, fist question to ask yourself is "what is the most important thing in the bdsm lifestyle" my answer is consent, honesty, limits.

what is consent to me? it means asking someone verbally (speculation and perception are not consent) if they consent to what you want to do. you need to provide this person with a safe environment first of all, then make sure the person is in a clear state of mind to give you an appropriate answer. you also need to provide this person an environment where your question doesn't trigger any survival response, as that is not consent. So, for me, consent is express in the following formula:
Verbal question + safety - traumas -survival response = true consent.
you need to be honest with your question, be as clear as posible with what you want to archive and what you expect of the person you are asking. you need to know your kinks, your style and your after care system and explain to the other person so that they can see if you are what they are looking for in a Dom. the sub should do the same so you know if you are like minded individuals. then you set the limits and come to an agreement.

If you can live by those values be in the moments you practice bdsm or in all your decisions and actions, I think that is a way to begin a path that may take you to become a person that doesn't take advantage of others to satisfy your needs.

Humans are complex beings. Communications is key.

I actually don't know if that answers your question, I guess it doesn't, but I hope my perspective helps you.
Best regards.

Miki • Mar 21, 2023

You don't have to "give up" anything, but you have to realize that, as with any relationship/dynamic be it BDSM or "mainstream"-- it's a ll a crap shoot. Sometimes the stars align, so to speak and you come across that right, complimentary person, but the odds are often better you roll snake-eyes and have to star over.

Broad based definitions are, by a less formal definition, the broad brush. You'll cover more ground with such descriptions but leave a lot of areas unaccounted for. "You missed a spot" or a bunch of "spots" depending on how broad the brush is.

All-in-all, it depends on what you want, how you want to be treated and the desires and objectives of the other. The only way to find out is ask. If the answer sucks, keep looking. That applies to you and whomever you are seeking a relationship with. As I said, it's a crap shoot. Bring a lot of proverbial dice to the "table" and prepare to be patient.

.. and that's just my opinion. If it makes about as much sense as putting salt in your coffee or sugar on your french fries-- that's just me. Just home from work and late for the shower.

Best of Luck and.. do not be discouraged.

Sometimes first scents to reach your nose on a fine Spring day turn out to be cow shit the nearby farmer just laid on the field.

OutAndAbout​(dom male) • Mar 21, 2023

First, I need to qualify this as OPINION, just sharing my personal thoughts. I'm going to use Dom for both male or female, no offense. I wasn't entirely clear on your post when you shift from submissives to Femdom. So, I hope my answer applies to your question correctly.

I think that in the situation you're giving, that the sub achieves satisfaction in the act of service. IMHO, a good domme or dom would know their sub and make sure their needs or wants are met to ensure a continuing relationship.

This is where most Doms fail, because holding the leash has responsibilities of its own. We can satisfy our selfish wants and often that does the same for the sub. As a Dom myself, it is my responsibility to keep the sub engaged and wanting to serve, I must know my sub and ensure that I'm meeting their needs as well.

The respect I give is to the submission, so it involves everything said above. Being in control means that we're going to be more self-oriented for many activities, not making decisions is appealing for some. But the connection, bond, or coexistence requires balance. I don't think putting them all together is wrong, but you also can't remove desires or needs from either party.

The most important thing is that the needs of both are being met, if you want to be successful. Selfishness or narcissism only goes so far. This is a fine line, similar to that of being confident vs conceited.