Power exchange lifestyle vs kink

Power exchange lifestyle vs kink

javtwk​(sub male) • Apr 23, 2023

Hi, I wanted to know your opinion on how to identify people who really understand dom/sub relationships and their implications and who don't just take it as a sexual game. In my limited understanding I believe that both people in the relationship have to work to take care of the other person (each in their own way and place). I believe that submitting to someone requires a lot of commitment and sometimes I am especially concerned that the dom will abuse the trust that has been placed in them. I don't think it's something universal, but I think there are people who don't understand the true meaning of mastering your slave.

Bunnie • Apr 23, 2023

From my own personal experience I’d say that those who’ve actually lived it- in person, have the clearest understanding of what it means to live this as a way of life. I spent 5 or 6 years interacting and learning everything I could as a part of this community, and others, and even my local communities in the places I’ve lived in that time, however, when I finally found myself in my current situation, actually putting everything I had learned into practice, it was a very different reality than what I had come to expect, or had “prepared” myself for.

It’s impossible to explain the difference… that’s like trying to explain what water feels like on your skin to someone who has only read about it. You can have so many ideas of *how you think it will feel* but until you feel it, there’s not that depth of understanding. I actually feel like I’ve had to undo so much “learning,” which in reality had actually become “expectation” of how I thought it *should* be. Life is much more messy than the clean lines of knowledge, so putting knowledge into practice requires a lot of flexibility and willingness to let go, even of that which you think you know.

Having said all that, some people simply prefer to live within the realms of it simply being sexual, and there’s nothing wrong with that. To me, it’s simply about compatibility, and finding the person/people who want to live it the same way you do… then building that way of life together.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Apr 23, 2023

Doms are not the only ones who abuse the trust. I know from personal experience there are those inside the collar who take advantage of a given relationship. Doms place their honor and strength on the line when they accept responsibility for someone else. There are more cases when that gets thrown aside than anyone cares to admit.

The question of Lifestylers vs Kinksters is age old. Been putting up with that for 30 years now. Really is a matter of personal philosophy. I tend to think that if your kinkyness ends at the threshold of the bedroom door, that just makes you kinky. But that is just me. I've argued and argued and, frankly, I don't care what they do anymore. That is up to them. I'm going to believe what I believe and mentally peg someone on how that approach the lifestyle.

But I am a grumpy old man and highly unlikely to change.

Azzabackam​(switch male){PawPawGirl} • May 4, 2023

In terms of how to identify people, it's pretty easy. Just ask them what they think of it. Or in general read what they say in public forums like this if they participate in such. It becomes pretty clear if bondage is just a sex thing or a lifestyle for them.

In terms of everything else, as others have said, trust goes both ways, and subs are just as capable of abusing it as Doms.

Miki • May 13, 2023

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Definitely not a grouchy old fuck, TopekaDom (though you could probably play one on Tee Vee) You, like anyone else are welcome to voice your thoughts and opinions. And 30 years of being involved in this is nothing to fart at.

That's why I do not consider myself or "identify as" "in the lifestyle". I'm a sexual masochist... Or I was, as I am abstaining. That's it. Slam Bam and Scram. (either me, my partner or both)

However, as suggested in earlier posts, talk to whomever you are interested in. They'll be straightforward abut what they want out of this, mostly because there is nothing wrong with being in it for sexual games and satisfaction.

That was all I was in it for and if I ever become active again that is all I will be in it for. An there still is no reason for me to not be in this community, as even though I do not do relationships doesn't mean I'm not twisted. Same goes for anyone else who feels the same. No "Official Book of Kink Law" exists any more than there are duly authorized arbiters to lord over this shit and all who partake in any form.

Luffy​(dom male) • May 13, 2023

Since you asked "how to identify", I think it could start with

Observing- their conduct (manners, how they talk, verbal, non-verbal cues, etc.) in private, in public

Communication- with them, will give you many hints- this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing and can not be stressed enough, communication will also help to get you know their and your own "Priorities" (abuse of trust unfortunately can never be predicted and you can only look for red flags through things mentioned above)

Small plays- once both are agreeable, testing on their understanding of D/s relation's implications can happen via plays (non-sexual or sexual, as you decide) and pre and post play reactions, aftercare, communication

These are starting points I can think of. I do not know how much experience you have had. Wish you all the best for your journey

Hope it helps

GigglesthrupainO​(sub trans woman){Free submi} • May 14, 2023

Kink people are all about play , while lifestylers understand the rituals, protocols, rules, dynamics.

Kink people are like fast food while lifestylers are like eating a steak at a five star restaurant

Steellover​(sub male) • May 14, 2023

Being in a "Power Exchange Lifestyle" is a huge commitment- and for many people, with hobbies, jobs, friends, and outside interests, it may be more of a commitment than they are willing to commit to- even if they are kink-minded. At least, not right away. I believe though, that a more casual kink/Dom(me)/Sub relationship can gradually evolve towards a total power exchange lifestyle if both partners are willing and communicate that is what they want. But I would think, most newbies, or casual kinksters, might want to ease into it rather than just jump into it right away.

As a submissive, I would be willing to have a mix of independence; allow me my hobbies, friends, work, leisure, while still following protocols, rituals, etc. while being in a female led relationship with the right person, and if it evolved naturally that way.