What to do now….

What to do now….

HereToPlzHim • Jun 28, 2023

I’ve been dating my bf for almost two years with a pretty non-existent sex life. It’s been hard to peel back the layers why but over the course of our relationship I’ve learned that he’s definitely a dom and it has always been this way for him. At first he didn’t tell me because he wasn’t sure where I stood on the subject and as things have progressed our communication in every other area is amazing but this one he’s still a bit standoffish. I finally broke down some walls and this is what he told me: I’m a physical match for him. He knows he’s stronger than me but I’m apparently too strong. I don’t ask for help outside of the bedroom and while we can play and explore, he just has so much respect for me, it’s hard for him to do what he wants to me. I want this like nothing I’ve ever wanted before. In detail I’ve described what I want but can’t get him to do the same. How do I crack this code and how can I be the best kind of sub for him? Any advice would be lovely.

SubmissiveWish​(sub female) • Jun 29, 2023

I'm not an expert but something about "he just has so much respect for me, it’s hard for him to do what he wants to me." makes me feel like something is a bit off with, "definitely being a dom."

You can still be a strong, independent person in many aspects of your life and still be a very submissive person. Maybe he needs to do some reading and research too. It sounds like he may be new as well and lacking the confidence he needs and or doesn't want to embarrass himself.

Good luck and I hope you get better advice than what I have given. 😁

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jul 1, 2023

In stuck on my cell phone so will keep it short. If your relationship of two years is suffering from a lack of sex in what basically is the hottest period of coupledom ....I'd be more questioning this aspect.

Your profile doesn't state your age....can you be this way for the rest of your life? If libido is lacking in the honeymoon phase regardless of discussion, it is unlikely much will greatly improve. If course if he has true fetishism that "might" play into this. A true fetishism means you need it, to get sexual. I know that's hard to hear and some might be thinking bitchy much but the building blocks that your building on need to be strong . Hopefully you can crack the code to BDSM working for you both but I'd begin with resparking the libido first. There are loads of couples sex resources about. Get that part solid and then add. You can always add, it's hard to subtract

Little Vixie​(sub female){Mgh30} • Jul 1, 2023

There has to be some give and take in yall situation

I say this because I am extremely independent outside of the bedroom. I prefer making my own money, rarely want to ask for help, stand up for myself. I don't like the idea of having to depend on someone when it comes to my every day. In the bedroom, I want to be 100% Submissive. Bratting is fun, but im prefer to submit to my dom. Let him hold the reins.
He understands how I am as a person in both in and out of the bedroom. We don't do tpe so I get both worlds and it is yin and yang for us.

For yall, I think from what he is being described is that he may want more of a TPE exchange. He wants more control over you (not in meant in a neg way). You however don't want that. This is where communication is going to be a very big thing for yall. If yall can't talk it out, maybe sex therapy. But you have to ask yourself, is this something you will be happy with in the long run if it stays the same? Not saying that this will ever happen, but in some cases when some men don't get certain sexual aspects the way they want they turn to other people. I would keep that in mind. (I am not condoning that. I've just seen it happen in the past and never want that for anyone else)

petiteandcurious​(other female) • Jul 1, 2023

The part about him saying he respects you too much to do what he wants to you, that tells me he has some work to do. It means that he equates some sex acts as truly degrading to his partner, which upon first hearing sounds sweet. But he wants to do them, so he needs to make peace with the fact that the sub draws the boundaries, and the dom may push soft limits, and that the sub WANTS this treatment. It sounds like he feels guilty for his sadistic cravings, and he needs to be reassured that you want that side of him, too. That is, if you do, once you find out what his darkest desires are. But, let him know he can start with the most vanilla and see where your limits go to.

As for outside the bedroom, I think that if he can give you some tasks or homework to reinforce the dynamic, that might be helpful to get him into dom space.

I am fairly new to the scene, 1 1/2 years, but I've been stuffing my brain with all the info I can find. Take my advice as a question, the start of a conversation, perhaps.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 1, 2023

There's not a lot of info here, our picture of this dynamic is cursory at best, so my input is going to be highly speculative. Just wanna qualify upfront, there's a lot of assumption here on our part .

As i see things, generally speaking and way over simplified, we can divide ourselves into three parts: physical, emotional, rational. To me, a big part of maturing is about becoming self aware and integrating those parts, living holistically. The culture/s we grow up in do a lot that influences and programs those 'parts' and then we have our own nature as well. As people who are often different from 'the norm,' i think many of us encounter dissonance between the reality of who and how we are, with our subsequent "different from the norm" wants/needs, and our culturally programmed notions of what and how we should be.

Simply put, it seems to me he is conflicted between his emotions and his rational desires. I.e. we can have good communication, rationally agree that we both want something, but all of our emotions don't automatically fall in line or even agree. (Speculating and simplifying ) in his case, he is naturally wired dom with desires and needs that conflict with the culturally conditioned notions he also has. We can have rational discussions about those things, but our emotions are not as easily convinced or changed as our 'mind.'

i do not mean this in a critical way, just trying to clarify: i think the block and notion that he has "to much respect for" you is inaccurate. You want this and have stated as much? Him doing "this" would be respecting you, not disrespecting you. It's his culturally conditioned emotions to the contrary that he is "respecting." i don't think it's a conscious or cognitive choice on his part, it's a conflict he has not resolved, or probably even understood, inside himself.

As to how to resolve the conflict? That's complicated, eh? Maybe find some activity that you both agree you want and make a conscious choice to practice that. Maybe break it down into a step at a time? Don't try to bite off more than can be chewed and swallowed at a time. Maybe even be a little restrictive. Apply the salt principle (i.e, metaphorically speaking, if the desire is to increase fluid intake, but drinking fluids raises a conflict, add salt to something that has no conflict to increase thirst for fluid).

Miki​(masochist female) • Jul 2, 2023

From what I read, it honestly seems that you two are better off as friends.

To cite an old adage which to some people is cliche:

"It's no good if you gotta force it."

"breaking down walls " to get the dude to open up and things of that nature. . . Doesn't seem right.

Now I do not want to criticize your arrangement and I don't see the whole picture because I'm not there (which many I have known over the years would call that at least a partial blessing!!) ... but this reminds me so much of other threads I have seen in here over time in which a person into BDSM is involved with, even married to someone who is not.

Short answer is "You can't."

Again, you guys really need to talk this out and strongly consider being really good friends. He cannot change his mind any more than you.

Re: What to do now….

LordofPain56 • Jul 3, 2023

I take it that means he has physical desire for you. So far, so good.

I take it that means you are too strong mentally, or not as submissive as he would like. Maybe his type is more of a slave mentality. Can you get some clarity on this from him?

See now, that would be more my type, since I don't like to micromanage nor do I go in for slavery, but some others do. Can you find out if your independence is somehow threatening to him in some way?

I'm a sadistic Dom and I have respected anybody I've ever been with. If I knew them well enough to be with them, I believed we were a good enough match to make it a permanent relationship. I also hang them from the ceiling and beat them with my whips every chance we got an adult playtime. While that may sound strange to vanilla types, I think most sadists here would think it is normal (to them). And when I say respect, it's probably more extreme than most in the bdsm community would follow. There's never any excuse for degrading name-calling and I don't allow receiving oral sex because I was taught that it was degrading to a woman. You may disagree with those and have fun implementing those things which I might call taboo, and that's your business. I don't judge people because they have different ways than me.
But I don't understand how having even the slightest amount of respect can preclude someone from carrying out the desires that BOTH partners seem to have in the bedroom. I suspect there is a deeper meaning behind what he is trying to say. Can you drag it out of him?

Edited to add:
Personally, I am a rather tactless and straightforward speaking individual and I never beat around the bush, especially with important issues like personal relationships. That's probably the reason for some of my disillusionment with his explanations. I'm not saying he's wrong, but maybe he is sugar-coating some things to prevent you from becoming astounded by his replies.