Is kink still important to female dominants?

Mistress Kassandra​(dom female) • Jul 14, 2023

Every relationship type has some difference in expectations at the beginning and a Domme/sub relationship is no exception to that. Even Dommes that are completely into kink may not have the same kinks as you have as a sub.

There are Dommes seeking everything (a FLR with a lot of facets of kink and those wanting service sub just a few of the interests).

This site unusual if not unique in that male Doms and female subs outnumber female Doms and male subs as most BDSM sites seem to have the reverse of that so your chances of finding what you seek is lowered.

House Talion​(dom male) • Jul 14, 2023

From what I've experienced this does seem spot on, but there are many that just aren't like that. I have had the enjoyment of att ending a few Domme only groups that welcomed me as a Dom with open arms as to seek my perspective of how to better instruct newbs.

GigglesthrupainO​(sub trans woman){Free submi} • Jul 19, 2023

When I was a slave to my Ex-Domme which we are still really good friends. But anyways the one thing I learned being around alot of Dommes are they are not a fetish factory. They are not here to here to serve the submissive but the submissive is here to serve the Domme. That disconnect is something I don't see a lot of in submissives looking for a Domme. If they were to approach a Domme with respect and treat them as a human being. Then there would be more Donmes online talking about kink I bet.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Jul 19, 2023

"A lot of male submissives tend to focus on kink and fetish oriented activities"
those are kinktards
The lack of self awareness smfh

Steellover​(sub male) • Jul 20, 2023

^No, those are "submissives." Though, obviously neither the type, nor the gender, of the submissives you are into.

It is clear that you are not into kink or fetish, and that is perfectly okay. Not everyone is.

And it is also clear that you are not into male submissives. Plenty of people on this site aren't, either.

I think the point of this thread is, there are some female dommes who are into kink, and some who are not. You are clearly one of those who are not, and that is perfectly fine, in fact I like that you are honest about what you are and are not looking for. We may not be a compatible match, but I hope you can at least respect those who have different interests, kinks, and relationship goals.

autisticbarbie • Jul 20, 2023

I can confirm this. I have been getting a lot of messages from male submissives lately (well since I started popping off on my blog and made my profile as mean as possible) and they are even more difficult to deal with than male Doms. The entitlement is off the charts. I'm not a Domme, but I could easily see how this level of brattiness could frustrate them and cause them to ask for service-oriented acts so the potential subs can prove themselves. As a female submissive, I would never think I could just harass someone on bond all day and give them my laundry list of to-dos. That's some BS.

MsHaven​(dom female) • Jul 20, 2023

In a perfect world (for me), no matter what a sub is seeking, they would approach without kink being their obvious priority. I don’t consider anyone who posts dick pics or has genitalia in their names, or whose post is all about what they want and need. Do you introduce yourself that way in real life? No? Then don’t do it here. Your kink isn’t my first consideration, but it might be if you show that you understand that (for many of us lifestyle Dommes), being respectful from the start is huge. But ONLY if it’s sincere. You can’t fake respect for long, and a true lifestyle dominant can smell insincerity a mile away.

I can count on one hand the number of people I’ve found online who actually get this concept. And that’s fine if your priority is your own kink. But it’s an absolute shame for those who truly seek a mutually respectful dynamic.

Yuan​(dom female) • Jul 20, 2023

I totally agree with what MsHaven said.

Most of the time subs who approached me ,their first topic and main priority was literally kink. I understand that some people may prefer just to play . But for me it's not enough and kinks come later in line .

And the approach is absolutely important .There's no such rule I must pay attention to every sub who contact me. It's very easy to point out who are just wasting my time in first few messages . Just by the amount of effort you put into it. I even got messages with the subject "Hey Mistress " and nothing else . When I clearly mentioned in my profile to not do so . And I don't bother replying back.

Lastly I do enjoy the kink/ fetish aspect of a dynamic . But it's just one of the aspect , not the whole thing of the dynamic I desire.

Steellover​(sub male) • Jul 21, 2023

I think a lot of it comes down to what's been said; there is a common mistake, especially for people new to the "Scene," to approach women as "kink dispensers," for lack of a better term, rather than trying to connect with them as people.

I would rather submit to, and explore my kinks with, someone who I had an intellectual and emotional bond with, and who I could hang out with in a completely vanilla setting, than someone who may share my exact kinks but who I otherwise have nothing in common with. I would never date a hard-drug user, or someone with questionable values (e.g. bigotry, dishonesty, greed, etc), in the vanilla world, and I certainly wouldn't want to be involved with someone like this in the BDSM world, either.

I guess I started the thread originally because I'd seen some people express the idea that it is somehow "Wrong" for submissives to even have kinks at all. Or at least, to want to experience them. Or, I've seem people express the view that being kinky and being submissive are not only NOT mutually exclusive, but rather they are in fact opposite; that if you are "kinky" then you are not truly submissive at all! Though it seems like there are certainly a few who hold that view, I was hoping to dispel that everyone felt this way.

It is obvious though, that it is all in the approach: Imagine the pickup line to a strange vanilla woman: "Hey baby I like big butts, wanna ***k?" That is clearly, just as ineffective as "Hey Mistress, I like being (blah blah...) too, can I be your sub so you can do x y and z to me?" Should be common sense, but for some reason, it apparently is not.

Sasa​(dom female) • Jul 21, 2023

Of course, yes. But I want to know the person. I am not looking for a playdate. That is easy to find for someone who likes heavy bondage. I want a deep connection, I need that and that means the person first, the kinks second. For me a relationship is not satisfied by following a collection of kinks. I find that boring and everything based on that wouldn't last long... That's at least my experience. Nobody wants to live in an infinite role-play. Writing what I write is what I want and it keeps the seasoned men away, who all suddenly found out that they are all submissives cause their leaving sexuality needs a bit more spice ... Most are married anyway. On top... It is far easier to find a younger Playpartner who enjoys sex... Getting older is not easy for men.