What does 'protected' mean and does it work?

What does 'protected' mean and does it work?

autisticbarbie • Jul 20, 2023

How does 'being protected' work? Some guys offer to 'protect' me, but I find it confusing. How do men online keep other online men from messing with you? My thinking is that all they could do is block people who harass you if you give them your credentials, which is something I can do myself. I also didn't want to take them up on it because I didn't want them to have a back-door way of demanding access to my time / energy. In my experience, the "doms" who pretend to be your friends are some of the biggest boundary violators and manipulators so I try to avoid them at all costs.

Protected ladies, has this helped you? Because the harassment is exhausting. But dealing with manipulators within my own ranks is worse. So I've remained a solo operation, lol.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Jul 20, 2023

A "Protector" is not a requirement.

1) A sexual dynamic is OUT OF THE QUESTION between the Protector/Protected.

2) They usually act as a neutral party, helping you to spot red flags or to calm your overactive fears. They act as a "voice of reason".

3) They can intercede on your behalf with someone who is harassing you.

4) They can act as your "gatekeeper". For example, a Dom comes to you and you direct him to speak to your protector first. If he respects THAT boundary and does as you direct, he has passed the first hurdle. If he gets huffy and refuses, goodbye....if he can't respect that simple boundary, he will not respect the harder ones.

5) The goal of a Protector is also to be a listening ear during times of stress.

6) You approach the person you wish to act as your protector, NOT the other way around. You ASK to be protected from someone YOU connect with, who knows YOU, who has no "designs" on you, and who has naturally become a friend whose advice you consider.

But again, it's not required. You can choose to be your own protector.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jul 20, 2023

I have seen that. Seems to mean that while the sub who lists as "protected" is not officially "owned" or in a dynamic, the "protected" bit is, as you wrote, to discourage doms from writing to them-- or as was my experience when I first joined years ago-- blowing their Inbox to smithereens with things that range from greetings, general messages of interest, right on through to come-ons and even saucy talk--- and a small sampling of dick pics.

It's standard dom etiquette to not contact a sub who is either "owned" or "protected".. and in my experience (I briefly listed a guy as someone I was involved with-- I discovered I could not pull the lever and be a Sub so that ended) But I got a message once from a guy, and a second one apologizing, that he didn't see the "collar".

So.. I wrote all this shit because I "talk" a lot in here--- to simply say "protected" has the same overall effect of listing a collar. The sub who posts it is considering a dynamic and doesn't want any new "applicants".

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It's fairly effective. Any doms who write regardless of the "protected" marker-- are more often than not "Insta Doms" and can be safely discarded with household rubbish.

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EDIT I was writing this and did not see sirsbabydoll's response. Much more descriptive of the "protected" desriptor.

What I wrote above just applied to online interactions, or the lack of interest thereof. I do not mean to imply that a sub would slap on the "protected" collar as merely an insect repellant, rather, they are indeed in a situation where they are as "sirs" post indicates and as such, no guys should be writing to them.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Jul 20, 2023

It means they use proper sex protections?

(Hey, I thought it was funny at 5 am)

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • Jul 20, 2023

It would be funny, except that the OP is neurodivergent and sometimes (I don't know if it is the case with her), switching from serious to humourous is difficult. It's a social cue that can be a point of struggle.

I have found that being clear and direct is better most of the time.

(I wasn't sure if you knew her circumstances).

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Jul 20, 2023

Well that sucks, but I still think it is funny.

autisticbarbie • Jul 20, 2023

exactly why I don't ask questions here.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jul 20, 2023

Online it means very little, as those who are decent are not the problem, its those who are not, and someone's name listed as Protector, or just Protected will mean nothing to those who don't read profiles, and have little respect, or are so thirsty nothing matters to them. They will not ask permission to message from the Protector, or respect anything like that.

Often online, like with the use of mentor, unethical types will try to get into a position of selling the idea, to do nothing more than make a claim on a person, get a foot in the door so to speak, and will sweet talk, push, or manipulate, con the person into accepting that, and then work to get that person into playing with them. In my view no one being Protected, or mentored should play with, or accept pressure to play with the Protector, or Mentor, either in the online or physical world.

In the physical world, having a Protector at events, munches, play parties, dungeons has much more value, as people, even mindless hornballs will be less keen to hassle if its obvious that there is protection in place. This doesn't work 100% but having someone to look out for you is useful, and hopefully acts as a filter for most of the horrible, nasty types. These people can also work as Spotters to help keep you safe during scenes, when altered states, sub space, endorphin rush can lead to things going wrong, that the bottom might miss, but the Spotter will see, and step in to stop, keep the person safe.

Being frank, I think Protector and Mentor are ok, but only if the person asks a trusted friend to act in that capacity, and doesn't get involved with wanabe 'your......' whatever types, those who jump into your in box uninvited pushing to get their claws in. However ia Protector, or Mentor should ideally be from the same gender and role, a peer, not the opposite, as the lines can blur very quickly, and things move out of what was agreed, sliding into being more. Things are going to be a bit more complex for switches, and those who are bi, or pan, but keeping things to you asking a trusted friend should help avoid unwanted complications.

Hope the above helps, others mileage will vary.

Re: What does 'protected' mean and does it work?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Jul 20, 2023

^^i LOVE THIS!^^

This is the type of discussion i love to see in our community... and in general.

To me, your question exposes a larger underlying factor: presumption. i (and would guess all of us) run into it all the time, and in so many areas, where a person presumes their idea of ________________ ("protected" in this case), is somehow a universal standard. i think it's that attitude, presumption, that often ends up becoming "the biggest boundary violator," largely because it is state of unseeing, unawareness.

As it seems to be with all things relational, i do not think "protection" can be approached generically. i think it has to be individual, specific, and seems to me fluid as well? i .e., on a case by case basis. i think while there can be parameters, guidelines, rules, standards, etc., that we run into the same issues with "protection" that we do with many other desires/needs that we have. i think those needs/desires (in this case the desire to protect and the desire to be protected) are more likely to be realized following the spirit of the "parameter, guidelines,...etc.," than trying to follow the 'letter of the law.' The "letter" can leave out communication, because it relies on a standard vs person. What it really does is put the interpretation (of protection in this case) into the hands of one person instead of both (or all parties concerned).

And, with all of that, i too question a lot of the notion behind the idea of "protection."

Miki​(masochist female) • Jul 20, 2023

@dollmaker It can mean something online if not to those who choose to "write anyway" but for the one listed as "protected" .. Anything arriving in the Inbox or, if one has Premium, "Bond" IM-- is suspect and does not need to be read. In some cases a matter of "select all" and "delete selected". In others, depending on the sub, a cursory look at such a message and if it is merely a friendly greeting-- or a question about a post they can choose to respond, and if it looks like a come-on, again "point click delete"

But that's just how I see it. I used a "collar" once, decided that was a bridge I was unwilling to cross and removed it, but while the initial of the almost-dom was there, no inbox traffic save for the one dude who missed it and promptly followed up with an apology.

As it is now I display no "collar" as there are no dominants in my life aside from conversational friends, and I also masked my "role"- and between that and my profile which clearly states "not looking" I get next to no Inbox traffic, and the one or two a week that do appear are strictly conversational. After having been on this site a while, finally a great balance.

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As for what TopekaDom wrote.. It was actually kind of funny, and technically he had a point--- However that's not the point. I cannot speak for the OP but I can speak for myself as "neurodivergent"-- If I were so fragile and at risk of being pushed off the emotional cliff, I would not be a member of this or any other platform in which people are free to have opinions or even crack jokes.