Overwhelmed

simplylaura​(sub female){djinni} • Aug 11, 2023

..... It's a kink site, ffs. She should be able to post topless pics without being sent notes by leg humpers who likely don't even read her profile (not necessarily you Irish123, I just can't delete your comment and keep the problematic one). I'm as lesbian as they come yet I have the self control to see a picture of tits on a kink site and not blow up someone's inbox. Your comment is akin to saying that "she asked for it cause of how she dressed." Gross.

Snowangell, sounds like you're new, so advice from someone who's been doing this real time for about 20 years (who despite being VERY clear on her profile that I'm taken and not interested in dudes at all yet still gets a bunch of messages from men). I also met my Dominant/wife on this site, so it is possible!!!

First, post whatever pics make you feel good about yourself.

Second, you don't owe anyone a reply or to even open their message. It doesn't make you any less of a submissive or good person. Troglodytes occasionally post on here whining because they aren't getting replies and they're full of crap. A good person will understand that they aren't going to get replies all the time- a respectful follow up one time is fine, but if someone values consent they won't bug you more than that.

My advice, if you don't want to open all the messages, click on their profile. Usually that will give you quick insight about the sender and let you decide where to go. I want to absolutely reiterate that not replying to a message doesn't reflect on your character at all. The mere fact that you're new is going to draw folks to you like a moth to a flame. I think this word is entirely overused, but vet people you might be interested with folks who've been on the site a long time. Pop into chat, read people's blogs, you'll see who the safe people to reach out to are. Also, use the block button as needed- it's your friend.

Remember, you don't owe it to a person to have a conversation in real life and that carries over to the virtual world. I get wanting to please people, it's something that drives a submissive, right? But this is a space where you have the autonomy and power to decide who you want to ultimately please.

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 11, 2023

Wrong!

Post Topless Pics.. Expect the fucking results

simplylaura​(sub female){djinni} • Aug 11, 2023

Just replying to boost the fact that you've outed yourself as a victim blamer cum rape apologist.

People have the right to post ANY pic of themselves on a KINK website and not have to deal with gross people.

Hold men to a higher standard.

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 11, 2023

Why is it Gay men make the most sense?


Food for thought. My besties are gay.

Why are they? No agenda but to be my friend

Go figure...

Solace​(dom male) • Aug 11, 2023

Wild and combative escalation here. Slippery slope false argument.

Miki was explaining how the world works. Can it be different? Yes. Is it? No. Post nude pics on a kink related site with a heavy disproportion of men to women and this is how it will play out. No one has the right to act in a public space and expect the reaction of a community to be how they desired. Case and point Miki should have been able to say her thoughts without being accused so grotesquely.

Absolutely post what you want here, but part of what a person may not want is the counter attention of the community and the form it takes. Shirtless pic or not messages will continue to come in, but the contents and the attention it attracts may not be what a person desires. By all means hold men and women to a higher standard of conduct here, however recognize that few here have the power to enforce said standards and that your standards may not match others.

simplylaura​(sub female){djinni} • Aug 11, 2023

First of all:

A definition of victim blaming: "Victim blaming can be defined as someone saying, implying, or treating a person who has experienced harmful or abusive behaviour (such as a survivor of sexual violence) like it was a result of something they did or said, instead of placing the responsibility where it belongs: on the person who harmed them." (Sexual Assault Center of Edmonton https://www.sace.ca/learn/victim-blaming/).

And
Of Rape apologist: “Rape Apologist” is an umbrella term for someone who for someone who blames survivors, has a general disbelief in allegations of assault, and participates in the normalization of sexual violence. They can be any person of any gender identity, sexuality, race, ethnicity, or age. While the term make evoke an image of a particular group or type of person, in reality, anyone can be a rape apologist. A rape apologist is not just someone who is outwardly aggressive towards survivors who speak out or someone who makes sexually harassing comments, they are also someone who is apathetic or tolerant towards sexual violence. One either participates in upholding or dismantling rape culture. (PAVE- Promoting Awareness Victim Empowerment, Chicago https://www.shatteringthesilence.org/blog/identifying-a-rape-apologist).

Blames survivors. Apathy. Participates in the normalization of sexual violence (harassment is violence).

That's all I'm going to say on this thread about this because OP deserves to not be derailed by white knight blamers and apologists. I'm taking this discussion to a new thread.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Aug 13, 2023

Any kink /sex site has a distorted ratio of men to women. Evolutionary psychology 101.

Even with no pics, women are approached frequently. Add appealing pictures, and you will increase the number of approaches.

I am very experienced at online dating/sex/kink sites, so I no longer feel overwhelmed by it. But I used to.

A rule of thumb I was once given by a wonderful dom, is to ignore those who shout loud and long. The ones who message you within moments of your new profile or pic. The ones who message every time you log on.

I've tempered that advice over the years. There are genuinely lovely men who simply send ' lovely pic/you sound nice/want to chat?' messages. I TRY to at least say thank you. Or thank you but no thank you. I don't always manage that, but mostly I do. Then I feel I've been courteous. I no longer feel any obligation to engage further if I don't feel like it.

Another thing I find useful is to gauge over a number of days what any ongoing contact feels like. Do they pounce every time I log in? Are they pushing for chat? Pushing for pics? Do I feel any sense of manipulation/too much too soon?

Is there any sense of desperation or rushing? Does the gentleman accept 'no, thank you, I don't wish to do that'? Or do you get, 'well, you're not much of a submissive, are you'.

Trust your gut. A decent dominant (man) will make your feel no pressure, but may gently invite. He'll wait, and he'll graciously accept a 'thank you but no thank you, I don't think we are suited'.

Anything good will take time, and please don't feel overwhelmed just because you have received multiple approaches. Try and be courteous, and perhaps invest more time in those where the interaction feels good to you. (profiles I find less useful, there's a lot of time often gone into crafting something that isn't necessarily a reflection of the man).

Enjoy the discussions, the back and forth, and trust your own judgement re what's right for you.

And the block function is really useful for the very crude and rude ones! 😊

Having read some of the other replies, I believe you have a right to post whatever pics you like, that you feel good about. But you may sometimes attract approaches you don't care for. All my thoughts above apply equally to those. X

Bunnie • Aug 13, 2023

It is overwhelming, I agree. And as a people-pleaser also, I can relate to that cringe factor of having to say no to so many lovely people who reach out. Setting boundaries for ourselves without being rude or aggressive is a skill that can be learned, however, it takes some practice if it’s a new concept. What I found super helpful was having control of my messaging system. Being able to determine who contacts me (I have my message system locked off so that no one can message me), made it so much less stressful coming on here. Now the only way I can be reached is if I either reach out to someone, or if they ask me in chat to message privately… and even then I really only chat privately with those I’ve come to know a little bit from chatting in the chatroom, or having observed their activity online in forums or blogs.

These days I’m a bit more comfortable to say no, however, I’m used to this system being in place, so although I probably no longer need it as much anymore, I still keep it set up that way. It just makes it so much more enjoyable to be able to be social without that constant drive of worrying about meeting the needs of others to my own detriment.

So that’s something to consider as an option

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Aug 13, 2023

That's great advice Bunnie.😊 I didn't know you could do that. Thank you x

However, it might not be appropriate for those of us who are seeking, and happy to be contactable, just that the person we want to be contacted by is hidden in a group of others. 😊

Something to add to the OP... You will actually find that the mad rush of overwhelming approaches dies down as you refine your profile, and have been around a while....

AlphaByDesign​(dom male) • Aug 13, 2023

There are a lot of savory characters on sites like this so you have to be careful and follow your gut. It’s better to be safe than sorry. I have on occasion sent a submissive more than one message if she really caught my attention because I’ve assumed that she is probably experiencing the very thing your describing.
I don’t seem to have that problem because the submissive females on this site don’t like tall charming Doms with strong hands and deep baritone voices but that’s my problem haha