Aftercare - Newbie

Aftercare - Newbie

Sololoquy • Oct 9, 2023

I was wondering how long after a scene you find you need aftercare for, what kind of aftercare you like and what kind of symptoms you have during sub or top drop? I'm experiencing sub drop for the first time, so I'm looking into aftercare and getting lots of resources together to help with that. I've found the article on here about guilt, shame and BDSM, which I'm following up on as I'm getting some waves of that. I've found a couple of videos on aftercare and I'm really just trying to get a sense of the psychology and science behind it so I can reconcile how I think and feel about it during a scene with how I think and feel about it outside of that. I'm aware it's a temporary state and there's a lot going on with brain chemistry, but I'm basically just doing whatever it takes to help me ride it out, especially as a solo player with some limited options available.

shebakesalot​(sub female) • Oct 9, 2023

Put simply: it's basically an adrenaline rush that hits a wall. Every person reacts differently and drop really hard or not at all.

For me, it depends how hard of a session or what kind of play I'm doing. I had a really intense impact play session (LOTS of impact) a few weeks ago and had a not-so-fun drop. But then had another intense play session (but on the orgasm front) last week and didn't have a drop. The Dom I'm playing with is really great about aftercare with lots of praise and then we take a hot shower together and chat about the scene or whatever. Sometimes we cuddle after said shower. It's all about communicating what you need or think you MIGHT need. But whatever it is, aftercare is a hard limit for me and must be included.

My feelings of sub drop are usually anxiety, feeling really sad, sometimes very clingy. Physically, very tired and body aches.

Some of my go-to's to help: watching something comforting (Harry Potter or Grey's Anatomy for me), eating a healthy meal and/or something sweet, napping, taking a warm shower, cuddling with my pets.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Oct 9, 2023

Warm blankets and orange juice. Specially right after a scene.

Sololoquy • Oct 9, 2023

Thank you - this is really helpful. I don't have a partner, so for me, the communication is with myself, supported by this kind of interaction to bolster that. (It's been up and down all day, down again when I wrote this post.)

I've also written so much via blog just to gut it all out.

My feelings have mostly been shame and embarrassment and also, because I spent many years getting my mental health in a good place and since maintained that, it's only now I've felt ready to try this and it's all just very messy. Not in a way that makes me feel I'm going back to depression and anxiety, but more questioning whether being in this state of mind is something to risk in general or whether it's just something for me to work through, be more prepared for and view as an opportunity for growth.

I might need to try out a few things to see what works best for me, I guess. The incessant writing, watching a feel-good movie and going for a walk have helped, but food's an issue. I've lost my appetite and had to really try to make sure I've got something down me. I have cuddly toys, no pets, so maybe that will help 🤔

How quickly does a drop subside for you?

Sololoquy • Oct 9, 2023

Thanks. I love orange juice and have a yoga blanket, so will try those next time.

shebakesalot​(sub female) • Oct 9, 2023

Writing is a great option to help! Sometimes just word vomiting what you're thinking and feeling makes space to process easier. Shame and embarrassment is totally normal. But also remember that kink is ALSO normal. Just different

I have made sure to be more mindful about sub drop when/if it happens because, like you, I've spent a lot of time getting my mental health in order and don't want to derail myself. You know yourself best, so take all the time you need to decide if you want to engage or take a step back from everything.

Anxiety does mess with my appetite so one meal that helps is a protein shake. Doesn't take much effort and still gives me nutrition.

My last sub drop hit me about a day and a half after our play session. Lasted for about a day. I was fine. Then had another dip a few days later (but wasn't as bad). So maybe 3-4 days?

Sololoquy • Oct 9, 2023

I definitely agree that kink is just different, but social stigma really does a number on reconciling this. As part of the queer community too, I'm sometimes just tired of feeling like a perpetual outlier, but hey, what can you do? Maybe one day it will be something society is more informed and less judgemental about.

I think you're right about setting the pace and taking a step back if needed.

Will have to look into protein shakes - thanks for the suggestion 🙂

My drop hit about an hour or two after the scene, disturbing my sleep. Will see how I am tomorrow. If it lasts a few days, well, will have to ride it out.

I'm technically restricting my time on here but my mental health comes first, so if coming back tomorrow and blogging or talking to people here helps, that's what I'll do.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Oct 10, 2023

If you’re interested in some of the science behind it and strategies to apply to it google Vagus nerve somatic release and that should lead you in the right directions!

Villanelle​(staff) • Oct 11, 2023

We have a really great article on Drop & Aftercare in our Magazine that you may find helpful:

https://thecage.co/magazine,85.html

And as usual, great advice from our community

Sololoquy • Oct 11, 2023

Thank you so much 😊 I have already checked it out, now that I'm aware of the phenomenon, as well as the one on guilt, shame and BDSM, which was also really helpful. I've only been on here about a week, but it's been a great resource so far 😃