Do Dom/mes Settle?

Do Dom/mes Settle?

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Oct 27, 2023

Trigger Warning

I am not advocating for breaking Hard/soft Limits. Before anyone starts pissing and moaning, please read the entire discussion, then form your reply


Topic in Question: Do you as a Dom/me often find yourself, when searching for a companion, willing to accept someone who does not quite meet your needs/wants?

When we talk about search parameters in our desire to meet someone, we usually hear about s types should never downgrade themselves in the effort to form a partnership. Subs are often told "Never Settle in what you are looking for"


But you never see that done for Dom/mes. Yes we go through Negotiations (I hate that word, but it is apt.) and we see if things are going to match between the two of us. It is during that time I find myself asking "Am I settling?"

There are some things I will not compromise on, others I will but go "Well fuck".

So Dom/mes: Are you willing to do this or simply walk away?

Sweet Minx​(sub female) • Oct 27, 2023

🤔 I'm completely new but...I feel like for me at least as a submissive, that limits and parameters could change with the right dom. If we have a connection and I trust him i would 100% be more open to trying things that I didn't consider before. For 2 reasons: that I trust him to know what I need and that I want to please him. But that obviously would be different for a dom.
Just like in regular dating though, there is no perfect partner. I find as my feelings grow for someone that they get more attractive to me. Don't we all need to "settle" a bit and compromise?

Freedomincaptivity​(sub male) • Oct 27, 2023

This ^, Couldn't have said it better myself.

Steellover​(sub male) • Oct 27, 2023

I agree with the above two posts and while I have standards, there are some things I am willing to compromise on, and others are deal breakers for me.
I've stated before that I'm willing to settle for a vanilla partner. I would be missing out on the D/S dynamic I crave so much, but at least I would experience mutual love and companionship, and hopefully would find a way to spice things up in other ways.
Deal breakers? That would be things like, basically being a hateful bigot, or just in general opposite core values. Or being a heavy drug user/drinker.

happygigi​(dom female) • Oct 28, 2023

I have struggled and failed to find romantic/sexual fulfillment in vanilla relationships for many years.
And I've experienced the dissatisfaction of settling for less with a submissive partner. (I've actually just come back after a year away from my last attempt).

With a vanilla partner, he may not feel it's fair that he isn't permitted to initiate sex. He may even be horrified at the idea of a cock cage and supervised masturbation, that may not even end in an orgasm. Punishment for breaking a rule? Unheard of.
With a submissive partner who is a part of the community/lifestyle, they'll look at my actions within the context of our relationship and our dynamic, and understand that what I do comes from a place of care and devotion. That I want to reward them, or help them if they need to be reminded of the rules. My intentions are understood.

And the sexual side of things?
It took a LOT of trial and error to finally figure out what truly arouses me and makes for a fulfilling sex life.
I spent years struggling with depression and self-loathing because I couldn't understand why the sex with someone I cared about just didn't feel like anything or make me feel closer to them.

Now that I understand what I want, I won't be settling.
I am not all that interested in trying to persuade someone to try and enjoy thing things I like.
There may be a small pool of us out here, but there is certainly someone (or someones) whose interests will mesh with mine.

So, no, I would not settle for a long-lasting relationship with only a couple things I like.
And I could never turn my back on so much personal growth and settle for another vanilla relationship.

Thanks for another great question!

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 28, 2023

"Settling" comes in degrees, and the mildest degree can be referred to as "compromise" in that I doubt there are very many who actually find that perfect partner who dots all the i's, crosses all the T's-- flushes all the toilets-- phrase it as you like.

Conversely, settling too easily for anything on two legs is desperation. That's is unhealthy.

Consider closing time at the nearest dive bar, where some joker half-in-the-bag winds up going home with something on his arm he wouldn't want to scrape off his shoe the next morning after the first pukes of the hangover are done--- and of course this works both ways, women at the bar that late often wake up the next morning next to a smelly ape.

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As one disinterested in relationships or dynamics at this point in time, I'm not very well-suited to comment much on this thread , but compromise is a healthy thing.

Rigid "my way or no way" seldom yields much fruit. Sometimes people get lucky and find the "perfect" one but don't anyone hold their breath.

Then one often winds up with : "Person A "might not be "the perfect one" for their perfect one.

Life blows, man.
There are books, songs, poems and shit written about this sorry-ass fact of life.

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And speaking of "life blows"--- unfortunately this seems to apply the most to "men seeking" as the ratio of "men seeking" to "(other) seeking" is lopsided to the point of being ludicrous, and holding out for "that perfect one" will usually have the poor fuck end up with an abundance of spare time pulling his meat and lots of tissues loaded with baby batter in the waste basket or floating around in the crapper, depending on where he does the happy tugs.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Oct 28, 2023

I'm not monogamous, so I'm willing to settle on, say, a sub that doesn't want to engage in certain very important sexual activities I need to feel gratified because I can always find another partner that will engage in those activities with me.

If I weren't monogamous though, that would be fucking hellish and I don't think I could do it. There are always compromises as the lovely Miki above has stated, but settling on whatever comes along is a recipe for disaster for all involved. We can all do better! And should!

ReeseK • Oct 28, 2023

Hi,

Random Male​(dom male) • Oct 28, 2023

After the relationships I've been in, I'm a lot more inclined to walk away.

I'm easy to make/keep happy, but I'll destroy myself to make/keep someone happy. Especially when that someone plays the role of submission only to turn out to be a manipulative "forever victim". So, while I'm open to new relationships. Gaining my trust to accept submission wouldn't exactly come easy.

I won't dedicate myself to someone on any level who doesn't reciprocate.

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 28, 2023

Nor should you. Perpetual victims and those who refuse to reciprocate are bad news from Jump.

As I wrote earlier "settling" is a variable concept. There's overlooking small things, or doing without one or two things one is into -- that's what I referred to as "compromise"--- but one can't be expected to compromise who they are and how they roll just to make the other happy... Classic example of that is one person is into kink and BDSM and the other is non-BDSM (I refuse to use "vanilla"-- personally I find it condescending-- emphasis: personally) --- that will never fly because either of them expecting the other to cross over to their way of "thinking"-- and the other "forces" themselves to do so-- inevitably results in resentment, friction, and an unhappy end. Similarly if the twisted partner "does without" to keep the non-BDSM partner happy--- frustration, resentment and eventual wanderlust is the net result of that experiment. The same would go for one not into this shit to force themselves to participate in BDSM activity just to make the other happy....

Square peg kind of thing. Force it and something breaks.