Taking the lead or taking the lead

Taking the lead or taking the lead

SageFlame​(sub female) • Oct 31, 2023

What is your perspective on the differences, similarities and nuances when it comes to control, dominance, leadership and guidance?

These are floating in my alphabet soup a bit and I'm hoping to gain insight from your experiences; what you have learned, various applications and opinions. Stories always welcome!

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Oct 31, 2023

For me, taking the lead is being responsible. Not only for my own conduct, but for providing the education of the s type's conduct as well. Being the lead is creating an example on how things are done. Now my being Old School means that things are a bit more strict around me. More formal, less cutesy.

Yes there are going to be times when I fuck up and s types should call me out on it.

LordofPain56 • Oct 31, 2023

The only thing I can say about control is that I control my surroundings (places where I exist at the moment), but I do not try to control other people (except if I have a girl in bondage), but that is only temporary physical control. Mental control is not my bag.
Rather than mental control, I attempt to teach, instruct and show examples so she can recognize something that was taught. You could say that this is tied to guidance, in which I would use a certain finesse when giving instruction, putting the sub at ease of following along with me.
Dominance, to me, is the exercising of my Alpha characteristics to reach a goal. Self-confidence is a dead giveaway that a person could be Dominant. Looking at a persons success record in his business/work dealings can be a telltale sign also.
Someone who is self-disciplined, well-structured, goal oriented and routine oriented could be a good leader with the right people skills. Those who don't have good people skills can still achieve great things by themselves if they have the other leadership qualities.
This is just my experience with it and others may differ.

aPeepingMom​(sub female) • Nov 1, 2023

Great question! I’ll start with a non-kink example:

If you’ve ever worked for a shitty boss, you’ll agree that someone can be in control and exert dominance without providing true leadership or guidance. We know who they are. The boss that yells at his team, treats people poorly, makes everyone miserable, takes credit for all the hard work, and still manages to keep the business going (sometimes very successfully and with high praise!) They would never imagine that people around them view them as shitty bosses and would be the first to raise their hand and claim the title of “leader.”

On the other hand, if we were to list the attributes of a the best bosses we’ve ever had, we’d likely agree that their ability to provide guidance and clarity to those around them, leading the team through adversity with praise and motivation, embodying the core values of the company’s mission statement… all without demanding, dominating, controlling… are the skills of a fantastic leader.

I view D/s exactly the same way. I have “met” a lot of people who call themselves Doms - and I’m quite sure just as many submissives would call them Doms as well - yet these people lack the leading and guiding part of the equation. And maybe that’s perfectly fine for some, but I need the leadership. I need the guidance. I need someone who isn’t going to demand my submission, but help me understand all the varying degrees of submission within my mind and body. Someone who isn’t going to push me down a strange, dark path - but will take my hand and guide me over the holes and around the sharp objects.

So like the bosses we’ve all had, a Dominant can be in control and exert dominance without guiding or leading their submissive. Does that make them “good” or “bad”? I think that’s up to the individual on the receiving end, and what they are needing/looking for. I think someone can also be a leader and provide guidance to others without being a Dominant. We’ve seen a lot of amazing submissives on this site do just that in the forums and blogs, many who may not have a dominant bone in their body. But that doesn’t make them any less of a leader.

Damn, that was a long ramble. But I hope it makes sense!

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Nov 1, 2023

This is a great answer!!! I do wish more 'dominants' understood this.

Don't push me. Lead me. Set the agenda. Guide me. Show me how to do things. Control me. With a simple word or gesture.

All of the shouty shouty posturing bollocks (by lousy bosses and alleged dominants) is not what makes people trust and respect you. Want to follow you.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 3, 2023

Not a dominant nor a "traditional" sub --- never dynamic----so none "control" me.

Even at my job I am not "controlled". I am assigned tasks and am expected to complete them in a timely manner or else I have to go work somewhere else.

I am very independent. I control what I can, and what is beyond my control simply is.

Yeah, yeah, probably not that hot of a response to the question, but as for Part 2:

Leadership, I am not in a leadership position at work, but what I'd expect of those who are is to lead by example.

I'm solidly opposed to "Don't do what I do, do what I say" bullshit. They can go piss up a rope.

Rather, "example" of proper leadership-by-example: - If I am walking past a playground with kids running about (just a hypothetical because these electronic days most of those are empty) --- and I see litter on the ground, I'll pick it up and deposit it into any trash can in said playground.

Hopefully one of the little monsters see that and when they see a piece of litter on the ground they might... might think of picking it up and throwing it in a receptacle, too.

Other than that, I live alone , so there is no one to lead and no bossy fucks there to annoy me.

All the fewer who can go pound sand.