Letting go of control

Letting go of control

sweetbutsassy • Nov 5, 2023

I love the idea of letting go of control but it's harder said then done. I like a dominant man in the bedroom but not in every aspect of life.

Sweet Minx​(sub female) • Nov 6, 2023

I've been here just over 2 weeks. My advice is probably not great but first, welcome. Come hang out at my door anytime
The past 2 weeks have opened my mind to many things I previously thought I would never consider. I'm still unsure about a 24/7 thing, but I wont rule it out. How can I say it wouldnt make me happy if I havent tried it. I think that each "relationship"? (I dont know what to call it) likely goes through an adjustment where they decide what works best for them. Maybe you will decide you want to try more submission than just in the bedroom, or maybe you won't. Good luck on your journey. 🌺

lambsone • Nov 7, 2023

I think letting go of control is a matter of trust. Blindly entrusting control of your life to a Dominant that you would hardly know, would be utter foolishness. However sometimes we do it. A Dominant and a submissive must earn the trust of each other over time. Little by little as they begin to know each other trust is built up where each is comfortable surrendering control and taking control. This is the same in any relationship. You may find that as your relationship grows you may crave giving up more control of your life. And by that time, hopefully, you'll be comfortable doing it.

Notely • Nov 12, 2023

Don't settle allway's for butterflies in the stomach , Seek someone who brings you inner peace and makes you feel calm. At first you're getting to know each other with connections feeling you click souls on the same page. It will be like friendship but this friendship is a team and partnership and a great bond all in one of first front of love bond. Person that brings you peace and makes you feel calm and safe is beginning to build a bond to grow with love and feeling . Love and relationship will come later but first signs are peace , calmness , your soul clicks , feel good with this person , make time for you , see the universe in your eyes , Trust and openness , See through your mind and heart with soul not your parts. Slow love grows fonder over time. Take your time with them. You got a lovely person with a pure heart allowing your heart and soul to evolve with them. You will feel whole being one together as courtship they take your hand allows them to lead the way built with love allowing it to grow with love.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Nov 24, 2023

A partner in control is first in control of themselves.

I much prefer letting go but have done so to my own detriment more than once. Since being single I have had very little financial problems. If I didn't crave true intimacy I would be quite content to remain single. Letting someone else be in charge of my finances . . . well it would take a lot. . . and a lot of time to get there! For me the rest increases as trust increases. This is why taking time to foster openness in communication is so important. Staying centered with what feels nourishing and authentic will go a long way also.

Re: Letting go of control

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 24, 2023

Same here when it comes to how I feel (when active, more than ever now) and what I do.

"sub", "masochist" ---- in the boudoir or, in the past dungeon only. (Very few dminants have the resources or even inclination to outfit an actual BDSM dungeon)

----After that it's back to my regular life where I live by myself (part time roomie doesn't apply, we're friends and that's it) call my own shots and remain focused on my work and career.

Having any full time partner, dominant or not would cramp my style. I'd get all surly and shit, becoming an overall buzz-kill.

It's a balance that works for me. Others' results may vary.

Notely • Nov 25, 2023

First writing was a bit vanilla/Ds but let them fix that.

Take with a grain of salt.

Giving up control would require the right person to be willing to earn a heart and earn submission as has to be earned over time with trust and effect can not just be given.  When the person can take the time to get to know you and you click good and the romance and passion with growth. Control two people hold that key sitting down having a conversation and agreeing on your likes and dislikes and being safe and testing things after care.
22 odd years not saying I know everything but in my own  experience through the years old school to new era take what you feel.

Don't focus on the past, focus on the present life clean slate. Does matter if you're new or old, everyone starts somewhere.  

Sex is great but sex more later is decent to get in the mind to arouse the mind without even touching the person to see if the connection bond but gotta have growth babe   and respect willing to sit down have some coffee and have a discussion on this with lingering deep conversation. Just jumping in is not going to work, rush connection is not going to work either.   Cause if it's just douche bag vibes then it's more like having a nice day.    

Bringing up Meeting someone a few messages takes a few days or a week or few weeks. if you click then cam and voice both ways in a mature manner that in a few days can meet or some where online game to date. they are willing to show self and talk in voice both ways or it's just no more talking. They should not ask for nudes or to take it off, leave clothes on but just be yourself and clean up a bit. They should be asking things too deep about real info decline. use a safe app and do not give out numbers right away. never give out numbers how they find your address, never do that. Never reply to them if they ask you to go elsewhere right away they give you email, do not email just this to scam you to get real info.  Never give bank or real info details. Never submit to anyone over online unless you're only looking online you grow a connection.
And if it's long distance just be upfront some may not care about your situation but don't use your lifestyle to get out the situation it's your responsibility to get yourself out your own situation thier plenty of research the state can help if you need help you need to sign up for those things get on your feet. Don't move or relocate to someone you do not know because you could be trapped. If they want you to meet, the guy needs to meet you first. Have your own place to stay, still do not give out an address 2 towns away.   

You will not really meet the love of your life locally. It's rare not the old days where people meet in the grocery store. To have a good connection you need to put more distance 30 mins away than a few hours away. Sometimes if you're not finding it you need to go to local events or try long distance.  They need to be willing to meet in real life in 6 months to a year, willing to stay in contact not only eyes on you not collecting people if they do not sincerely wish them well.  The Dom Needs to meet the sub first so they feel safe. 

 Sigma Mindset:( You don't have to be this but can use this method. )
  Be dame selective who comes into your life. Gotta Click , Chemistry , Humor , Laugh , Some Attraction with energy and aura and mind body soul. I see a soul and aura before I even see a body.  If just body and sex have a good day. I respect my own body. This temple is mine to get in it reply to respect if you can respect my life and body then you will get the Same. If just crap you will receive crap with the gate closed and shit in a cup with your taxi outside.

Don't use your gym photos or nudes or bathroom photos just look like a hook up in the waiting. If you want good results, lift yourself higher.   Still show some skin in a classy way, leave to the imagination. Just be clean up be yourself build self up wear clothes that suit you that fit right even bit lose don't over photoshop it natural is best.  Save the nudes for later when you have met over time when they earned the trust don't let them have that til it's a thing.  Are they going to do the same for you know one has to do anything they don't feel like doing.  End the call . drop them . hang up. 

If  you have to many no drama, no this isn't gonna scare people away, just keep it simple with positive energy. Also beware of saying you have kids or about your past experience. Really some things should be saved for when the trust is earned not everyone needs to know everything about your business but with the person that understands you. Don't say you just got out of love.  Don't give out too much, just very little, so that can bring more conversation. The person wants to get to know you and should be creative in getting to know you not asking can you tell me more about yourself or just hey and hi.
Example to keep the peace :
Body, mind and soul is a temple that has to be truly respected both ways or the gate can never be open.


Don't get worked up over certain messages. Some people just like to play with people and simply ignore the message and delete it if they keep it up, report and block it. No message is a message.  Someone try's force don't buy into it: You could be the one, We be look like a match , I could marry you , Submit to me now. Anyone forcing first few messages its not respecting you or the lifestyle anyone who wants to take away your limits wants to take control someone who doesn't care about your needs only their own. Some new people I know you like some risque things but if you get with someone take all your control until you feel your not getting your needs down he road you get sick need to go to a doctor or you not taken care of yourself then this when your going to get to the point what did I myself in to how do I get out. Knowing one can take your power unless you give it, never just give it. You have a right to walk away just because you get with someone they say they own you they do not own you as your human any contract can be broken in the real work thier no law saying someone owns you. You need to only own yourself first right person down the road takes the time that does not take right away. If you need to get out of a dangerous place you need to call the police or pack a bag. It does matter what you leave behind but you need your things to ask the police to escort you. They will stand by you. Why get your things also the person can be put in jail for what they have done to you. Anyone that says you should have no right only coming out of a horror movie person has never had a partner only to be sex addict waiting someone to be their victim this someone with no life wants to use you break you leave you to crock if you vanish how someone going to find you.  Don't get off the lifestyle, know this more than sex its a bond of love and trust.


How do you tell if someone is a liar not single/not really into this?  ( depends on the person even got story but some people looking for companion or long term but good to be upfront some may not care. ) Some are poly or couple looking so all depends. But poly should never be forced that not what the other person is looking for. ) If they just after sex don't rely. )
They don't have time to meet , They only come around when they want you , Hear their husband or wife in background , They hang up quickly , They can't meet at their place down the road, only meet discreetly , Will not meet in public and would have to be out of town. Some people are stuck if it's up to them to divorce and walk away if they want to be with the person. And just separate.    Good person would have a bit more photo not hide but just because someone does have pictures not always true some have art photos and quotes. known ones to be led into a lie in the lifestyle once trust is broken can never be again. 

First meeting never go thier house, use your own trasparation meet them in public if they are not willing to meet in public then don't enter, move on. Person gets bent out of shape over your feelings, wishes them well and rejection happens, not for all why you have to meet. Just because you meet does mean will be the one you will go through. Few people tell you to meet the one. Stop looking for a relationship right away and love to enjoy the time and connection, learn from it, and grow with it. Until you know it's right keep it simple you gotta get rid of anger won't help you so go get yourself some ice cream.


 Respect yourself, do be selective with your heart when it comes in time when you know it's right to give up control, don't just give up control just for anyone to be the right person. Giving up control to stanger can be dangerous. You can end up in the ER or on the side of the road or try to trap you why you do your research background check period using gut feeling.  I know some might be in to being ravished. Make sure it's someone you grow a connection with trust and you have bond and attraction. Getting to the wrong hands can leave you handicapped or paralyzed. Take care of your heart and body and mind, don't do something silly.  Friend who had bad experience thought she meet someone was safe the person chained her in the basement for  8 hours whipped her did even care no after care he left her naked did give her a blanket or feed or drink or let her lose to take a break to the bathroom. The guy left her another 8 hours and went to work with no baby monitor or contact to check that the sub has a cell phone by them and key to get themself out  the right partner would be more responsible. It's dangerous to leave a sub alone by themselves chained  for a long period of time. A person needs to be in the right temp of a room. They could get ill also in case of a fire knowing one should be left alone. But also people can not be physically locked for long; mentally people need to get fresh air and still have a life.  My friend found a Axe in the basement near her. She cut the chain then went up stairs and called the police to get her out of there. This is why you gotta be safe and safe. They teach this at kinky college in d/s club. Never go to someone's house the first day, not even the second or third you need to do the first few weeks of meeting in daylight in a public place. The right person will not hide you, they will want to take you out in public, someone not willing to meet in public then they are hiding something. Go by the vibe , body language , Do they treat you with respect? or they control and depend on things. they should be respecting you, treating you well, not demanding things all at once. learn self defence it can save your life. Don't get with a random stranger, do better in the reflection you want in return with respect.  Don't get hot on the lifestyle over the kink only do the kink with someone safe then you when you freak out or need some air you know you got the right person by your side.  Think before you leap, think before you talk.

Control is two people sharing the passion of pain with love takes two people living with this pleasing love. But two people need the romance and encouragement time and place in reality that both ways full cup of supporting each other yes not always 50/50 but both people have to lift each other them or the other. Not every day will be sex sometimes we will be holding each other just sleeping by each other.  You gotta go out, do things, get out of the house, build love even outside, not always in the bedroom, not always going to be 24/7. You gotta live your life also with career and family and have some me time with space.  

You need the safe and sane consent and safe words and limits with a partner who still needs to be able to keep eye on you and check on you in the scene for them to see your nails, your face and eyes that your breathing good partner keeps the partner safe and lets them know what's going on. There are blindfolds that can still see gags still breathe but a person needs to still be able to talk and have emotion even if they want to quiet mode but your partner needs to heat you.  

Some are  soft or hard so you need to find what you're into. Don't do anything you have never done. The person needs to do their research and test things to make sure it's safe for the partner. Not everyone can use ten units or longer electro units if they have health and heart problems because for medical reasons never always ask your doctor before doing anything.  If you are allergic to anything, even latex, you need to tell the person.

And with pain it takes time person needs to be feel aroused and pleasured before the pain can even started but someone being new going to take time needs to be light and test it and find what toys and paddles that work can't force things this all has to be worked up to  like a its a project.  Hoods and some silence I can say help with pain but they need to be able to see and breathe and make noise because feeling closed out pain has can feel good if done right the bust and bottom that you may want more that gets you into moaning in to ecstasy but person need to be tickle in the g spot first and played with the nips need to be teased the nips and pussy need to be pumped so its more sensitive with wanting more when it happens.  Orajel can numb that kitty cat so make sure to also warm the kitty cat some warm lube and caress the body warm lotion, have some soothing music and dim lights.  Not everyone deals with some cuffs why soft ones work best and soft rope. Rope needs to be somewhat loose if you want to change the scene and position can not be in person for long due to blood circulation. Using the imagination with your partner will make it more erotic. Dressing up should be dressing for yourself and together embrace the love of yin and yang with tantra. Many couples do tandra manta before going in to play and get the energy more pumping that the romance can be more feeling on the edge of sex.

House Talion​(dom male) • Nov 28, 2023

You get it the way you want it and anyone that goes against that should see how dominant and/or primal you can be.

LatexHer​(dom male) • Nov 28, 2023

It does not matter if you are a man or a woman - you have to build TRUST in your partner before you blindly give up control to anyone! Having served in our military forces - first, you make acquaintances, then friends. Once TRUST is built - you learn to trust your brothers and sisters with your life and theirs to you.

As a DOM, I no longer frequent D/s clubs as I did years ago. When I find a potential playdate, I normally meet her in a public place over a drink or even dinner. Once She is as comfortable with me as I am with her, we discuss our desires, and limits, hard and soft. We may even meet several times before we pay together. Yes, I have had some ladies just use me for some free drinks, or a dinner and then be gone, but it is sort of like dating! Some dates work out others not so much!

As a young DOM some decades ago - I had a woman break out in hives during a bondage session. Scared the hell out of me!
Thank GOD, I used quick quick-release snaps. Having had advanced knowledge of first aid, I gave her a Benedryl tab, with a bottle of OJ, while she quickly recovered! Ever since then, I have kept a first aid kit, sharp scissors, pliers, some OJ, chocolates, Benedryl, and even an Epinephrine injector pen handy! She had an allergic reaction to a table lined with heavy latex, which was quickly covered with leather straight forward!

As a practitioner of D/s, bondage. and fetish play, I would rather suffer the loss of a submissive than spend life in prison due to negligence or neglect! There remains many a person who still does not appreciate what we do! Giving up control to another human being is both scary and pleasurable.

I'mME • Nov 28, 2023

SageFlame,

You could consider making that limit.