Long distance, when it is time to meet

Long distance, when it is time to meet

Nitrev​(dom male) • Jan 27, 2024

Say you have met somebody on the cage, online, wherever, and the two of you are ready to move past the vetting stage and start looking at meeting. How do you want it to happen? That is to say, what concerns do you have and what does your potential partner, hosting or traveling have to do to help you feel more secure/comfortable in meeting?

Do you want to host, travel, or does it depend or not matter to you?

Do you want to meet somewhere neutrally the first few times like a hotel or are you going to meet at one another's homes?

What about travel: if you are travelling, do you expect help with travel expenses before going or would you be okay figuring that out in person? If you're hosting, would you help with travel expenses before they come, or would you wait to meet in person?

I'm going to go ahead and assume this is jut a visit and we're not relocating right away (as I would not recommend anyone do that): for how long do you want to stay there? How long do you want to host for? Do work schedules limit how much you can visit as opposed to how much you wanted to, or is work something you can do while you're there?

What safeguards do you have in place for your visit, for kink together, etc.

And lastly, has anyone started a d/s relationship with somebody they met online over a long distance? How did you arrange your first meeting so that everyone was satisfied and comfortable in going through with it?

These are just some questions that come to my mind regarding d/s over long distances. With the relatively smaller size of thecage, I imagine anyone that is looking or has met on here more than likely have some distance between them and either will have to or had to sort out these problems. If anyone has any other points to add aside from the questions above, feel free.

Re: Long distance, when it is time to meet

LilSugarFairy​(sub female) • Jan 27, 2024

Hi Nitrev!!! 🥰 I thought I'd answer your questions from my perspective since Daddy and I are long distance.


We first met on reddit and once we got to the point we wanted to meet, the only thing he was concerned for was MY comfortability. Realistically, you can feel like you really like the person but then you meet and it just doesnt feel right, or its different in person and it doesn't end up working out. So our first agreement was that if either of us felt like this wasn't going to work romantically, then we would have a fun weekend as friends. That made the meeting a LOT less pressure and more about just seeing how we both feel at the time. When it came to hosting, we decided on a hotel. It's public, if issues happen who ever lives closer can just go home (despite our hangout agreement just in case a big problem came up) and everyones happy. If the person ends up being crazy, they don't know where you live, you don't have to worry about getting them out of your house and everything is kind of a win/win.

After the first time we would assess moving forward. I think if both parties still feel more comfortable to stay at a hotel, then do it. There's literally ZERO reason to rush and a BDSM dynamic, SHOULDNT be rushed anyway... All about trust and feeling comfortable and safe.



First time, I traveled to him. I didn't expect him to help out at all with my travel expenses as I offered to go there (practicality, it just made more sense). Everything else, hotel, food, etc was discussed as to who was paying for what. We split the cost of the hotel and everything else but it was agreed on from the get-go. When he came to me the second time, it was the same. He paid for his travel and we split the cost of everything else. We based our decision on what we felt was fair and equal. Nothing wrong with offering to cover more than half, but we felt half was fair for the pair of us.



I stayed based on what I could afford and how much time off I could take from work and being away from home. Ended up just being a weekend (3 days, friday-sunday). When he came to me, it was 4 days and that was because it was New Years and more time off, being able to take that extra day was available. We both would have LOVED more time, but it just couldn't happen. I think when it comes to work schedules and finances, just do what you can do. Don't push yourself, but this discussion is going to be different for everyone. I think the first meet, you shouldn't make it a long trip... just in case it doesnt end up working and the other person isnt stuck there for like a week... A few days is reasonable in my opinion.


We had discussed ahead of time what we both felt like would be off the table or shoved for a later date. Communication was CONSTANT and ever evolving. Just because I agreed to something ahead of time, doesn't mean that can't change after meeting. So once we met, hung out for a few hours, we both had a conversation to see where we were both at and also re-discussed what I would be comfortable with during the rest of the time I'm there. Even after THAT convo, he would periodically ask if I was still comfortable with XYZ before he'd do it (like impact play) and even then, he started with the bare minimum so he could grasp where I'm at and make sure everything was done safely and without pushing me right off the bat. Safe words/gesture's were established and he made sure that I knew I could rescind consent at any time and he would stop. Just hearing him saying it made me feel more at ease and more comfortable because I knew he cared about me and treated me with respect. That went a long way.

I think the absolute key here with all of this is constant communication. If either a sub or dom isn't safety minded, that for me should be a red flag. When it comes to long distance, there's so much more that could go wrong and if someone isn't taking it seriously enough to make sure that safety and comfortability isn't paramount, then that should be an indication that maybe you shouldn't do it. It's not just the sub that needs to look out for their own safety, its doms too. People are crazy out there.... make sure you stay safe and always come up with backup plans. If you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

Miki • Jan 28, 2024

I never considered meeting online finds. That's how I roll, period. That, and I had all I needed locally when I was playing around. BUT to properly address the O P I'll write a hypothetical:

If I wanted to meet up with an online creature it would be in a public place. Cafe, restaurant, things like that where casual conversation can take place comfortably (again hypothetical, I can't hear or talk) Definitely not hotels or bars.

The one willing to travel ought not expect any "help" with expenses. It's all part of the fun of converting an online connection to reality. Besides, if they're broke perhaps they should be focusing on more important things than connecting with someone far away.

Same always would go for me. I'd foot my own bill for two reasons. For one thing I'd just feel better paying my own way, and for me, more importantly, should the connection go sideways I owe them nothing, and am free to break off and leave.

Hosting. Neither offered nor expected on a first-meet. The purpose for me would be to see what the individual on the other end of the keyboard is about. If chemistry develops and there is a mutual desire to get physical, a neutal spot is best.

I'd not be at all comfortable in a relative stranger's personal space. (potential lion's den) Not on a first-meet.

That's about it from my point of view, IF I were inclined to personally meet someone I encountered and seemingly hit it off with electronically over distance.

There's always a measure of risk involved and an abundance of caution is indicated for a first-meeting especially.

Perhaps I've seen too many episodes of 20/20... but I think not. Guys (usually dudes, but females are capable of being scum, too) who look for all the world to be awesome fellas until they get their grimy paws on their intended victims.

A small percentage of who or what is out there to be sure, but it only takes one creep to fuck up a life.

Re: Long distance, when it is time to meet

Nitrev​(dom male) • Jan 28, 2024

Hey Lil Being that I do poke around here and field responses from folks, it is something that I've struggled with, so I appreciate your response



I've felt that. I constantly think about how to let others be comfortable with me. I don't want to come off as imposing, threatening, pushy, etc. so I'm always careful in my word choice and my approach. With hosting someone, I do find I'm most concerned with their comfort, as I don't want them to feel stuck here if they make the effort. Establishing early on that there is no commitment here if things don't develop romantically is good too to take off the pressure.

I'm also fine with meeting somewhere neutral like a hotel or a restaurant or something, although I feel it's less necessary. To me, someone that wanted to do me harm could just pass on a facade until we eventually moved to our houses anyway, so to me it just seems like part of the innate degree of risk we take in meeting anyone and getting involved with them. I do see your point though, and if it makes the other person comfortable, I'm not opposed to it.



Also agree with this. It's a major reason why I do not recommend anyone just move/relocate right away for a dynamic. It is a semi-permanent decision to pack up and move somewhere and it should be done when that person has already spent time where they would be living and are comfortable with that, almost second nature. If I can ask, did you and your Daddy do any BDSM play in your first few visits, or did that also take a degree more time and comfort?



I love this. Online has made me a lot protected about things like my identity, my money, etc. And as it should, as we learn that people out there are trying to scam/harm us and use sex and the lifestyle as a vehicle to do it, we also learn to protect ourselves. To me, I think it's especially an issue as I've heard testimonies from older Doms/couples that there is an expectation that the Dom/me pays to have the sub travel. I definitely understand supporting them, as it is something done for both of your relationship, but I also want any transactions to be handled in-person, face-to-face. I've run into it a lot of times where another part says they need gas or they can't afford to travel and expected me to send them the necessary funds. For me, I think it's not unreasonable that someone can afford at least enough travel to get where they are going on their own, and it just isn't worth the risk to me to trust someone that a. I have not met before and b. does not respect that condition/limit that I have in place. Hearing that people don't have that expectation is encouraging



It's nice hearing that you wanted to spend more time together after your first meet, even though you ran out of time. It's also nice hearing that you made it work with your guys' schedules. I think it's a good idea to not stay long the first couple times for the reasons you mentioned, although I also want that someone travel has their fill for the effort/expenses that are involved in coming here



These are good points to bring up too. Consent isn't static, it can change at any time. It's good that your Daddy respects that. Having a discussion ahead of a visit helps set the expectation too, what is okay, what isn't, what you can plan to do together, and what play might be like together moving forward as you approach the decision to live in together. Discussing these points and more will definitely help to set someone's mind at ease, but I always said that there needs to be actions, measures taken as well to ensure it is a safe and fun time. People will say that d/s takes a lot of trust and communication, to which I agree on the communication, but trust alone doesn't prevent someone from getting hurt by someone else. I think of it more like risk mitigation than trust, I don't have a better word for it lol, but things like meeting in public, check in buddies, relaying information to a friend on where you are, what car you got into, what house/hotel you're going to etc. all help people to stay safe, not just in the lifestyle but in dating itself

Re: Long distance, when it is time to meet

LilSugarFairy​(sub female) • Jan 28, 2024

Glad it helped!!



We did the first meet but it was kind of vanilla stuff. The bar didn't get raised till the 2nd meet and that was because I was comfortable with it. I spot details and pick up on things quickly. There was things he did/said the first meet that proved to me he knows what hes talking about and is experienced in aspects he didn't even mention. A Dom can tell me he's experienced, but inexperience can't be hidden when you have an experienced sub. It's going to come through no matter what you do. Lies only get you so far and I have had Doms lie to me in the past about their experience when its super clear they bull shitted their responses to me. So I can't point to 1 aspect or another as to why I felt comfortable doing what we did within the first meet or 2nd, it was a myriad of reasons but mostly seeing for myself he knew what he was doing/talking about. If he was more inexperienced, I think I would have gone a lot slower.

1st meet was a lot more of a vanilla type relationship. We didn't "schedule" scenes or anything. We kind of just let desire guide. Drank a little before watching a movie, but only ended up getting about 20 minutes into the movie that we then never ended up finishing till I got home. Even then both during and after sex, he'd ask if something was too rough, too hard, too much. After that, things were a bit more natural and I would also communicate. Specially with impact play since I know I have a very high pain threshold and it would be easier for me to say harder, than it is for him to feel nervous and not want to go too hard. That ended up working out better because despite him working at a BDSM club for a number of years and the subs he has had, he told me I am the highest pain tolerant sub he's ever met. So communication was definitely on both sides of the isle. But we restricted impact to just his hand and belt for the time being and despite me being a rope bunny, no bondage the first meet.

2nd meet we added some stuff. Free use was one, flogging and the start of bondage was another. He would tie me up and ask me to get out of it, making sure it was snug, but doable in case I needed to get out of the hand ties myself for whatever reason and I could do it quicker than he can. He's not a fan of rope cutting and feels safer with slip knot ties over ones that you have to cut the rope in an emergency. I agreed with this as it also made me feel comfortable knowing that I COULD get out of it, if I really wanted to. He also timed me on it. So basically, everything was scaled. 1st meet established more of a bond than this strict idea of play vs hanging out time. I've never been one for "scheduling scenes" to begin with.. its too... emotionless I guess. "Op. its 4pm. You know what that means!" 2nd opened us up to a little more because I felt comfortable in doing so and aftercare was honestly the best aftercare I've ever had. I think that's more of a personal thing than a bdsm, this is how it should be done thing... So as an example, in the past I'd get words of comfort "You were such a good girl. I thoroughly enjoyed that." Asking how I'm doing, what my thoughts are and cuddles. Daddy however, put on soft music, discussed it a little bit in detail to get my feedback. What we both liked, liked more of, found hot, etc, but he didnt just cuddle me... he wrapped himself around me and held me so tightly while he stroked my hair and gave me soft kisses in just the sweetest way that made me melt. I think that aftercare was the majority of the bond that formed, over the kink that we shared during that time.

In my experience, a lot of doms tend to neglect the emotional aspect of BDSM and view it as transactional. "Here is what I should do" verses understanding WHY. I think this is also why I tend to form deeper bonds with Doms that understand the psychological aspects of D/s and don't keep their actions solely based on "Dominating is hot". Basically, is a Dom just going through the motions of aftercare because they know its the good thing to do, or do they REALLY understand it and why its needed? I could write a whole page on just this aspect but I'll leave the topic here for now lol.



I think a lot of subs try and merge the idea of D/s with Sugar Daddies. If a Dom offers to cover the cost of something, that should be left to them to decide but expecting them to is rude. I don't think its unreasonable to expect the person thats doing the traveling to cover the cost of the travel. If they can't afford to do this, then how is the relationship going to work? Do they really expect finances to be so one sided? You aren't "owned" yet and expecting a Dom to cough up cash right off the bat when you haven't even met is just ludicrous. Hell, we went out to this sushi place that I found because sushi is his favorite food and the place only took cash due to their card reader thing not working. Because he didn't have any, I paid. He offered to pay me back because he said it was his treat to begin with, but I was like, nah... don't worry about it. You get the next one. If someone is more focused on being financially taken care of right off the bat, then it becomes less of them being really interested in YOU and more so that they just find someone... anyone... to financially cover them. Red flag for me for sure. Ties into the other idea you brought up about moving in quickly with each other. Are you more concerned with having someone to play with? Because moving quickly means more about just finding anyone to play with and less about the person as an individual. If someone wants to rush me into living with them, then I'd tell them to find a sugar baby because they obviously aren't interested in ME and are more interested in just having someone.... anyone...



I totally agree with all of this. Perfectly put, risk mitigation, love it. A sub should also view this as an asset and not a hindrance. The fact that you are thinking ahead to make sure she is safe, should be a bonus because that means you're going to bring the same care and attention when it comes to more riskier kinks (should it be something you're into) like CNC. Proof in action over words. You can say "I'll make sure you're safe" until you're blue in the face but if you don't back that up with examples like you stated, then the statement rings hollow. Goes back to my first statement above. You're showing things and proving things without directly stating it. It's THIS that subs should look for in prospecting Doms. What is said in between the lines can be louder than the actual statement itself. Daddy also told me to tell my friends where I was staying, and I did anyway, but the fact he wanted me too said a lot as well. You're going about this in all the right ways. You're doing good!

fatsubslut​(sub female) • Jan 29, 2024

It's a whole lot of stress to be with someone new in person for a longer period of time--either with them in your environment or you in theirs.

While it can show you a lot about the person (learned this the hard way), I wouldn't recommend it for a first meet.

Keep it relatively shortly and neutral. No matter how much chemistry you may have online, sometimes it just isn't there in person.

Having separate rooms in a hotel allows you both time to retreat if needed and if it goes well, one can later be canceled. But I try to never go into it with expectations and fund my own way--because that way I can leave if needed.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2024

Any first meet for me has always been on neutral territory. Usually a coffee shop first. Then a hotel. With safe calls.

Depends on the level of discussion and engagement to date, eg how much phone or video we've done, whether I'd consider play on that first date, and what type. And also how that person feels to me.

I would be highly unlikely to arrange to spend more than a few hours together. I've made the mistake (more than once) in the past of thinking someone is amazing, and a perfect fit, only to meet and find them not right. For any number of reasons. But the world comes crashing down, and then you're stuck together, having spent money and time to get there. Or, at the very least, stay in separate hotels!!

I think it best to take things slow, and leave wanting much more, than to plan days of valuable holiday/money on that first meet. If the money and time is too much to invest for long distance, rethink the radius, and be prepared to wait a long time to find that right enough person.

Drinfear​(dom male){Owns PFP} • Feb 1, 2024

As with punishments when a sub misbehaves, I do not believe there is any 'cookie cutter' approach to answer the question directly. Each relationship is different, and should be approached as such.. I have, in one form or another, been meeting those that have shared My life online since 1998.. These have ranged from online, texts, phone talks for months, to a week of talking and moving in. Some of the longest 'consideration periods' for lack of a better term, have lasted weeks, where one I spoke with for a week, and blew up My engine getting to her to bring her Home, was with Me almost 3 years.
My current little, I also met online, and has been with Me 6 years as of Dec.. We spoke daily for 2 months or so. Met face to face, then 2 months later were married.
I agree neutral locations are usually best, especially in public, and also usually recommend they bring a friend to keep an eye on them.
I have always been the type to pay the travel expenses, quite to My chagrin in one case, but always learn and adapt to the individual in question.

Slow is usually better, as you have more time to ensure a solid foundation of trust and respect, thereby making fewer mistakes over distance, and do not have the added pressure of 'well, we're 30 minutes from each other, lets meet and see..' The longer you take, and the more you both get to know each other, the better you will learn whether you are a good fit together.. From My experiences, this will also lead to a better reception once the meet takes place, and where that connection leads from there..

lambsone • Feb 1, 2024

I have to know enough about a person to make a committment to meet them in person. Especially if it's long distance and I have to get on a plane and pay for a hotel room once I get there.

I would expect the Dom to reciprocate and would expect him to either share my travel expenses or reciprocate in like kind via paying for restaurant meals, entrance to events or activities, travel expenses while there, etc once I arrived.

I would also expect that he would have cleared out his calendar of other committments so we could spend quality time together as planned.

Just a few thoughts.