Multiple bad experiences

Multiple bad experiences

ImaYours​(switch male){Wanna be} • Apr 8, 2024

Back in Jan 2024 I joined AFF and during those conversations and interactions I discovered I was drawn to the submissive lifestyle of BDSM. After 67 years my eyes opened and I was excited to explore this world before I aged out! I met my first mistress on AFF and immediately began the registration and acceptance process. I paid a $150 registration fee to begin. I was introduced to the head goddess. It all seemed legit. But my submissive personality and desire to please was going to be my downfall eventually. Since I was new I was then asked to pay $500 for my sub kit consisting of toys, gags and restraints that my Mistress would purchase for me. I couldn’t afford this right away. It took a month to raise the $$. During that time I was told how excited she was to begin dominating me and controlling my life. I conversed daily with her and became very comfortable and trusting. After a month I paid the $500. Then we started the written contract and before the contract was agreed to and signed I needed $280 to complete the contract and begin my sessions with my mistress which I paid! My date was set to begin my training. My mistress wanted to bring me to a ceremony and show me off to the other mistresses. But she needed $500 for the event fee! I was tapped out and I humbly begged her forgiveness. She asked how much I could paid and I gave her another $150 towards the event. I couldn’t attend the event for personal reason and I was excused. But 2 days before my training began she want $2k!! She invited 2 other new mistresses to my training to help train them. I finally refused and stopped all contact. I was so hurt. During this 6 weeks I did research and learned that some mistresses do require $$ from their subs. Other sites said that mistresses take care of their subs financially.

What is the truth? Who pays for things during a dom/sub relationship. I feel so stupid for blindly paying all that money. I still don’t know what is acceptable? Please help this virgin wanna be sub. I’ve lost all trust and a sub without trust is lost!

Steellover​(sub male) • Apr 8, 2024

As I'm sure you have already suspected, you have fallen for an online scammer. Notice a pattern: All "her" requests for money were simply followed up by: More requests for money!

I am guessing you likely never actually met "her" face to face; "She" might have sent you some pictures or documents through e-mail but that's it. I'm betting during the entire interaction you had, no face to face meeting ever took place. And, I suspect that no face to face meeting ever would have taken place! Had this continued, "she" would have come up with an excuse the day before your scheduled training: Some "family emergency." Or sudden illness, and "She" needs money for travel (if it's for the first thing) or medical expenses (for the second.) Then the session would be postponed until "she" would come up with more excuses for you to send "her" money.

Eventually "she" would run out of excuses, and probably simply ghost you, stop responding to your messages, etc. Except maybe for more requests to send money.

This is how scammers operate.

Notice the words "She" and "Her" are in parenthesis. That's because, without a face to face meeting, there's no guarantee that the "mistress" you are talking to is even a female,! Or if she is, there's no guarantee "she" looks anything like the pictures "She" posts online or sends you.

If She is a professional, she might demand payment up front for a face to face meeting to chat and get to know each other: Talk about limits, kinks, what you expect to happen in a session, and so on. But that's the key- you are agreeing to meet up first and pay for a face to face meeting. This is how you establish trust. Good rule of thumb: Never send money to anyone before meeting them face to face.

ImaYours​(switch male){Wanna be} • Apr 8, 2024

Thank you SteelLover! I’ve made bigger mistakes costing me more $$. Overall I learned a lot.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 8, 2024

Classic scam, any genuine dominant will have their own equipment, and may only ask a sub (after much negotiation, connection forming) to provide such items themselves that might become fluid bonded, or can't be cleaned well enough to safely be used on multiple people, or it isn't desirable to use on multiple people. Outside that, any demands for cash, for renting gear or a place to play are huge red flags.

A pro dominant, whether they are active in the lifestyle or not, that side is a business, hopefully run ethically and soundly, and payment will be required for activity to occur. However I don't think its ethical to demand payment upfront for negotiating, or finding out what sort of service a possible client might be interested in. I think demands for money to do this, should be ignored and be seen as a red flag.

I am sorry you fell fowl of this, you aren't the only one to have done so.

Steellover​(sub male) • Apr 8, 2024

So, what I would advise, going forward is simply: Never send money to someone UNTIL you have met them face to face.

Now, to expand on that, it is not uncommon for professional dominants to want to be compensated for their time, but they will usually negotiate it like this: You agree to meet at a semi-private public place- a coffee shop or quiet bar, where you can talk - privately- about interests, sessions, limits, and the like. In exchange for meeting, you agree to compensate her for her time, usually a fee of less than a whole session. But she will only take your payment WHEN YOU ACTUALLY MEET. This arrangement is not that uncommon actually. If, however, she won't agree to meet you face to face UNTIL you send her money, then back out- and you can politely explain your past experience as a polite excuse.

However, there are some professional dominants that will steadfastly refuse to meet with a client under any circumstances until they receive a deposit. One difference between these women and a common scammer: They will have a website, which is professionally designed and maintained, and have a well-established online presence with client testimonials. In other words, they will already have an established reputation in the adult entertainment industry and other people can vouch for them. This is where, if you want to see a pro, you need to do your homework (And still maintain a healthy amount of skepticism) before forking over your hard-earned cash.

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Apr 9, 2024

I know ProDommes that ply their trade, but even they will not be opposed to meeting a potential client in a public setting to discuss things ahead of time. They may have an agency they work with to run a background check on you to ensure you're safe to be alone with, and this may run you a small fee.

I am not a ProDomme, but I interview potential subs and talk quite a bit before we play. I do not ask them for money, and as Dollmaker said, I will tell them that if we're using toys that penetrate them, they will have to buy those THEMSELVES. I will tell them where to get them, and they can bring them! They are for THEIR personal use, and I can store them for them if they're in an unsafe or inconvenient situation, but I do no need to take their money and buy their kit for them; they are adults and can manage their purchases.

There are some Dommes, FinDoms, or Financial Dominants that practice a form of financial sadism via extracting payments from their submissives, but this is going to be rare in a dynamic, and this is not going to go down the way this situation did here original poster. You were scammed.

There is never a fee for "training other mistresses" to train you or a "Head Goddess" hiding away, waiting for that money order to clear before she pops out, whip in hand. There is no dark little house we're all living in, training each other to enslave men, though the idea of it does make me cackle with glee! We will not charge you an induction fee, a fee for your toys, or for a ceremony. People who run a business or on a fee structure will usually have a "menu" on a very well-curated website, so you always know ahead of time what to expect. It won't be an escalating journey of the paraphelia catfish!

If you're able to, I would strongly encourage you to check out FetLife, and see if there are any BDSM or kink groups in your area! It is much better to deal in person and locally, though I understand this isn't always possible for everyone. The online scene can be such a shitshow, especially for new people.