Training VS Mentoring

Training VS Mentoring

lambsone • Apr 14, 2024

Are training and mentoring the same thing and it's just a matter of semantics?

Or are they different?

If different, in what ways do they differ?

Can the same Dominant do both with their own sub?

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 14, 2024

A nuanced difference but not mere semantics.

mentoring is a more holistic, relationship-driven dynamic, emphasizing long-term development and personal growth.

Training is task-related, focusing on on a specific skillset or competency.

Of course this is likely more in a workplace or schooling type of scenario and lines blur when it comes to D/s dynamics, but the cores are the same.

Mentoring might be more applicable to D to D or s to s, although far less likely D's because any teaching or mentoring or coaching doesn't seem to mix well with the natures of those beasts. Alpha personalities and all that happy horseshit. But I suppose anything can happen.


... and as for what's behind Door #3: Coaching. A more structured version of mentoring with regular feedback (or backwash if the pupil is particularly thick-skulled) ) at specific goals. Mentoring features (almost typo'd "festers" ) again, that more holistic "gentler" approach.

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And back to the twisted world again, when it comes to sadist/masochist deals or master and slave (sex slave or ordinary service sub) training is more applicable as the s has to learn to do X, Y, or Z in a specific way and in a specific time frame.

Obviously that would never fly with me even if I was amenable to that kind of heavy handed "Obey, slave!" crap. For example, if "chores" are among the training topics, I'd be way too quick to whap the dude square on the ass with the mop or broom handle the second he turned his (likely) hirsute back.

Y'know.. alpha male, dominant (or sadist)-- Gorillas, man! I'm an unrepentant, disobedient, and hard headed brat to the core.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Apr 14, 2024

Pretty much all of what Miki said. Training is specific to a task or skill set while mentoring is more an ideal. Mentoring comes when one with more knowledge and experience imparts said knowledge on one with less. My first mentor in BDSM was a submissive who had a wealth of experience in all things and after interacting with me for a short while, one day said, "You are a Dominant." And then she began mentoring me in what this meant (to her at least). Training can also be instilling discipline in someone to enable them to achieve success in a task.

I train martial arts students. I train military members.



I don't disagree, but we should be very open to at least discussing and learning from one another. I have a small cadre of outstanding Dominant male friends who I compare notes with and I would say we collectively mentor one another and give each other advice. I think a great deal has to do with confidence in oneself. If you're Dominant and you know it, receiving input from others you respect shouldn't be awkward. But that's just my view. Truth is, Miki is right - a good number of the dominants feel they need to be the lone wolf, running in the trues. The lone lion of the pride. No other dominant is their peer. Blah blah blah. You get the drift. They fail to see the wealth of great discussions they can have to learn from.



You slay me! I love your responses because they are alway just genuinely you. I can just imagine someone signing for you to obey and actually calling you a slave and then watching as the gears turn in your head as to exactly how you'll exact retribution. Granted I am a bit hirsute and primal, but I'm not brutish and I don't often beat my chest in a public display of alphahoodedness (making up words since 1967).

Back on topic, big difference between mentoring and training.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 14, 2024

Within a kink/bdsm/fetish top to bottom context, mentoring is solely platonic, should only be that, training is not, and often its a cover word for sexual, and instilling a specific dominants preferences.

Sammy45​(sub female) • Apr 14, 2024

Oooh great topic

For me there is a differences

Training for me is usually from between a Dominant and a sub

Training can be
Task driven
Education piece such as a reading piece and a follow up discussion
Written piece about thoughts and feeling or about etiquette and protocols
Sexual tasks
Keeping a diary
Could be a food log if that something a sub struggles with

The list is endless it depends on the needs wants and desires of a Dominant and how one person trains may be different from others

What one Dominants expectations are will differ another

Usually in my experience training is between a Dominant and their sub or a sub in the consideration period

I have of course have had requests to discuss certain topics with a sub from Dominants who were friends to support their training


Mentoring in my experience is generally D types mentoring D types or s types with a types

It generally broad discussions not task orientated however I have heard more recently of Dominant men moving into the tasks etc while “mentoring “

lambsone • Apr 15, 2024

I ran across an article today via a Google search on Mentoring, Training, and Protecting. It was written by 2 Js at Fetlife.

I'm not done reading it yet because each section is lengthy and I'm still reading the Mentoring section right now, so can't share anything yet. I still need to understand it before commenting on it.

But thank you to those who have taken an interest in the topic and shared your knowledge. I hope more will share too.

Miki​(masochist female) • Apr 15, 2024

Mis-post Wrong thred.

I'mME • Apr 18, 2024

Mentoring in this particular sub sect of the population, has been missed by abusers. In any mentoring/mentee (did I spell that correctly) situation, the mentor is one who answers questions, but also challenges the mentee to growth by asking questions. They give advice on all manners of topics but should never be practicing sexual situations with a subm Q mentor can only teach a mentee how they like something done.

Which leads into the second part of Lambsome's question. Training is not a word that I take to. Teaching someone how you like something done, is how I view it, but to each their own.

Mentors can not speak for how anyone likes something beyond themselves.

One can teach principles/ theory (and there is history behind BDSM) leave the practical part for whom they choose to serve.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 18, 2024

i appreciate this question and discussion. i've never really put the two terms side by side and compared them.

Personally, i don't take to either... which ends up sounding odd or un-sub to many on both sides of the D/s slash. But there have been enough Who get it and it resonates with that i know i'm not alone.

To me, mentor has more of a guidance vibe to it and teaching seems a big part of it. But just the term "Mentor" evokes feelings of Master or Guide to me. The term seems more attached, more relational, to me. Like there is a more intimate relational commitment between the persons and it's not just about the thing/s being taught.

In my experience the term 'Training' in BDSM culture, can have extra meaning than it does in vanilla land. Particularly the element of corporal punishment. i've run businesses that involved a lot of "training," and there's often a hands on component where the trainer demonstrates and the trainee then attempts the same. There's also often a practice component to both attain a certain proficiency/skill level and then to maintain it. But in the business world, i've not seen anyone sent to kneel naked in a corner on rice for not getting it right.

For me (not making universal assertions here), neither really work as part of an intimate, or to my point of view, romantic tangle. There seems a common sentiment among many in the D/s community (from both sides), that Dom is superior and sub is inferior. i don't relate to that. For me, anyone who has assert they are superior or inferior, feels compensatory. It's the difference between saying one is _________ and one being__________. If one is being___________, it is in evidence and, to me, it takes something away if one has to state the obvious.

One of the bigger issues i have with the Superior/inferior notion is that i think it often devolves into 'role play,' which i eschew. my attributes are very real to me and i want the same in a partner. i'd rather go without than have my partner pretend to be something they are not, and i won't do so either. If someone has to force me to submit using some form of punishment, i'm not submitting, i'm capitulating. i do not need to be 'broken' to submit, i have a submissive need/desire, it just needs to be evoked, and that is more a matter of knowing the combination to the lock vs taking a sledge hammer to it.

i do teeter between the words "training" and "conditioning." i'm definitely into mind fuck., but that is more subtle, matter of fact for me. A good example of training/conditioning that involves mind fuck for me would be watersports. For likely myriad reasons, some understood, others probably unconscious, the sub in me is deeply aroused and bonded by a Man Who wants to use me to relieve/release Himself in that way. Anally i'm all in with nothing to overcome, but orally? i do not like the taste of urine... at all. On the other hand, my need/desire to receive that from a Man Who wants/needs that with me is way stronger than my aversion to the taste. i've had enough opportunity to try this to know i'm not just fantasizing, that it could be a very real bonding component in a D/s relationship if it was mutually wanted.

For me, "training," would involve a patient, affectionate approach. Also, there's a decided degradation/humiliation side to this that is also deeply arousing and bonding for me, again, if it's mutual wanted/needed. This is where it gets tricky, because many automatically mix force, bullying, meanness with degradation/humiliation... but not all of us (on both sides) do or want that. It's very subtle, and to me, a big part of the power of it is in the affectionate and expressed vulnerable need/desire of the Top/Dom. So many associate "vulnerable" or "need" with weakness or 'sub,' but to me the need/desire each experiences of degrading/humiliating on the Dom side, and being degraded/humiliated on the sub side are not matter of weakness on either side, they are simply expressions of who/how they are and, in that act, each is deeply affirming and loving the other. i think the feelings of degradation/humiliation that each experiences from opposite sides are culturally conditioned emotions. They are real, and even conflicting for some, but the affirmation wins out.

A Dom with understanding mixed with His own desire/need could use these powerful needs/desires in me to "train" or "condition" me to receive His release of urine using my mouth, and i know over time the issue of taste would become a non issue. And, unlike force, He would access and possess my full submission, not just capitulation.

lambsone • Apr 20, 2024

I like the variety of responses. Or variations on a theme.