Clingy Subs

aradialspire​(dom femme) • Jun 7, 2024

I personally always love Lambsone's posts because they stir the shit, and I can feast on drama like a raccoon.

But really, let's step back for a moment. Lambsone is a bit old-school, and some of you are not. She reminds me of my friend in her 60s, where anything happens and her Dom has her OTK. This might just be her frame of reference. It's not negative; it's just where things go for her. I think she's coming from a place of good faith here.

And Lambsone, these younger folks are in their feelings in a good way. We never got the talks or understanding about self care, what to look out for in some of these monster people, etc. like they did. They don't want to be punished/used/abused unless there's a good reason for it. Having social needs is not a sufficient reason in most cases, and there is nothing wrong with communicating your needs in a healthy BDSM relationship.

In most of my relationships, I'm a low-contact human. I will make grand gestures on birthdays and important occasions, check in on people, and do my best to keep in touch as much as possible, but I am happiest when I'm by myself doing my own things. Whenever I get a sub, or hell, a friend who wants to talk all day long everyday, I'm in my own private hell.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a high-contact individual. We all have different needs and different communication styles. My primary relationship has lasted decades; we can relax without a word; I'm lucky to have found them. But for some subs, that sounds like THEIR silent fucking hell. They need every moment full of loving, LOUD adulating adoration.

And they can find that! Somewhere else!

I've had subs where I've tried to communicate that outside of scenes, hangs, etc. I'm just never going to be the person who talks all day. I have too many hobbies and weird experiments going on to be that person. The high-contact ones are always dissatisfied by this, and rightfully so. They want someone who matches their energy, and hopefully, they found them. Me assigning them punishments, tasks, etc. is not going to change who they are or what they need.

If you really do respect them, if you care for them, if you understand who you are and who they are, let them go so they can find what they need and you can get some peace and quiet.

If you're seeing someone Lambsone and you're worried about being clingy, I would suggest just talking to them about it. And no, I don't think it's ever reasonable to expect a single person in our lives to shoulder every burden; I know you're monogamous, so I would strongly encourage you to make many sub friends and spread all that out as much as possible.

We are social creatures, even me! We need to be able to talk to people. If you've paired with a Dom that isn't as high contact as you are, you're going to have to find a way to meet those needs. But the gap may be so wide that it doesn't work, and that's sometimes just a thing. You shouldn't be punished for needing something more out of a relationship than your partner can provide. It's like that sometimes.

simplylaura​(sub female){djinni} • Jun 7, 2024

As a non armchair psychologist and rather a licensed clinician (though sitting in an armchair), I can attest that attachment types are a legit phenomenon. If how your attachment style, that formed before your brain was even done growing, doesn't match your partners you can do two things (in my pro-therapy opinion). Either end the relationship because you're incompatible or get some good kink friendly counseling. The book Wired for Love really helped me, as someone who has more of a disorganized attachment style (in a relationship with someone with radically different manifestations of attachment- read into it what you will. Djinni won't let me post what I really wanna say). It's not up to the dominant to deal with our "clinginess" or lack thereof in my case, it's up to you to figure out how your personal shit works in conjunction with your partner's shit and get through it together.

TwinkleEyes{N/A} • Jun 7, 2024

I appreciate the book recommendation. I’ve listened to the audio of, Attached. The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love. I love this book. it helped me understand my attachment style and how to deal with it.

lambsone • Jun 7, 2024

Thank you for your contribution simplylaura. I was actually expecting some of you professionals to speak up and so you have fulfilled my expectations.

If I were to answer my own question, I would hope that the Dominant would take the time to sit down and try to find out where their submissive's clingyness was coming from. Maybe they have detachment issues. Maybe they feel lonely. Or something else altogether. But I would hope that the Dominant would make an attempt to figure it out and ask good questions to get to the core problem. If their clingyness was so severe that it went beyond what anyone looking from the outside in, would believe to be abnormal, then it would be a time for a professional to get involved.

I agree with the ideas that the two Dominants suggested and was glad to see their responses. It helped me understand what I might be able to expect from a Dominant, at least the ones that care about their submissive when they have one.

I'mME • Jun 7, 2024

Aradial,

Great view from the other side. Honesty is always my policy.
I'm probably as opposite one could get from clingy.
I do not want/need my hours filled w mindless tasks. Something that is specifically for another, yes, but a just busy work (for lack of a better phrase) is not for me.

I'mME • Jun 7, 2024

Lambsone,

Hon, That would be for you as a sub to connect the dots, of what is making you clingy.
Then sit with your Dom and see if they may have a solution.

But that level requires them to know you, at the rate of sounding like a broken record, take your time getting to know another.

Maybe you could keep a little journal of things (questions, ideas, concepts and when you get to a point I. Chatting with someone ask them. It's a good way to get to know someones Domming style.

There are several posts about on this platform about things to ask a potential Dom.

NO reason you can't have your list.

lambsone • Jun 7, 2024

Aradialspire, you are too funny. I enjoy your posts as well because you always speak sanity into posts that get tangled. You have an amazing way of smoothing out the knots.

I have had decent in depth contact with about 5 Dominants here in the last 6 months since I returned to the lifestyle. Whenever I meet and start talking to a prospective Dominant, I always wonder how much of me they will be able to handle before they cave in or lose interest. So I keep searching for the one who loves me with all the warts I might have. So far very few have been up to the task. I'm not afraid to walk away or let them know that we don't suit if that's the case.

I don't intend to stir up the shit, but I think you're right about the generation gap coming into play. I have been suspecting that myself. I'll be 72 next month and grew up in a vastly different culture than what we have now. But interestingly, the two or three generations prior to mine we were still able to understand so I never sensed a generation gap. However they might have misunderstood my generation at times unbeknownst to me.

We still complied with their rules for the most part. And yes corporal punishment was one tool that parents thought was effective. I never cared for it myself and if a Dom used it to punish me, it wouldn't make a hill of beans worth of a difference to me. It would be a non-effective way to correct my adult behaviour. I have had writing assignments given to me by two different Doms here, and those were effective because they spoke directly to the issue and were intended to bring about positive healthy change.

The suggestions in my original posts arose from what I have heard people say here about their own relationships and what I've read in people's profiles. Heck we have whole threads here dealing with punishment and I didn't detect anyone getting hot under the collar in those threads or equating it with abuse when I read them. My suggestions were only intended to get the ball rolling and not to influence people's responses. The two Doms who did respond didn't seem to be influenced by them. In fact if they had been influenced, I would have gotten the impression that they were weak willed.

Anyway, just another day at the cage I guess.

lambsone • Jun 8, 2024

Shebakesalot, some of the things that I would see as clingy, and I'm sure this would differ for every dynamic:

Needing to be around the Dominant all the time.
Needing 100% of the Dominant's attention
Not being able to function on their own
Feeling insecure if the Dominant takes time for themselves, perhaps making them feel guilty for leaving them alone during those times
Perhaps always wanting the relationship to focus on their needs, with less interest in what the Dominant needs.

Just some examples that could move into the realm of clingy. I actually didn't give examples of clingyness because I wanted to know what the Dominants interpreted as clingy.

Just a note to the general community: I also am not limiting this to Femsubs, this could also happen with Malesubs or anyone who considers themselves a sub full or part-time. I wasn't Gender specific in my original post. When I shared personally, at that time then, I did come from a femsub position.

lambsone • Jun 8, 2024

Some very practical thoughts ImME, not just for me but for other subs who may be dealing with this type of issue.

Heaven Leigh Angel​(sub female) • Jun 8, 2024

Interesting how they all seem to want to gang up on you.

I think the question is fine.

Why others feel the need to get on their little band wagons is absurd.

Just ignore them. No answer you give will satisfy them.