Fearful avoidant attachment or dismissive avoidant attachment

Fearful avoidant attachment or dismissive avoidant attachmen

Master Rob • Jun 30, 2024

I dont know much about this behavior and want to ask if anyone has had experiences with fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant behavior? Last week was literally the first time i have heard these terms and wonder, how common is this, is there any way to reconcile this behavior to a positive outcome? Does it always end in failure?



As i understand, and please correct me if anyone has a difference of opinion, the fearful avoidant has two ways of discarding the relationship. Firstly, they tend to be clingy, needy, and often will attach early in the relationship, and but then the problem is they dont communicate their needs and this leads to a build up of resentment which leads to the discard. Secondly, and this is similar to the dismissive avoidant, they fear that they are just not good enough to keep their partner and that if their partner becomes really close then they will see that they are unlovable and not good enough. The core fear is being abandoned like what has happened to them in the past as a young child. When the discard happens, it is abrupt, traumatic, vague, distant, ghosting occurs, pushing the person away, shut down and there is a lack of empathy and the avoidant person is not concerned with his or her partner, but is only worried, that he or she is discarded. It’s a very painful experience for their partner.

I just wonder if anyone has ever had this experience and other people’s thoughts. Thanks

Miki​(masochist female) • Jun 30, 2024

No, I never had these experiences, but I definitely avoid outright.

As it is, I was never into relationships, not for fear of getting hurt, ghosted, or what-have-you, but I simply cannot function in give-and-take relationships, I am fiercely independent, and I prefer solitude. So in here I clearly list "Not Looking" and in the real world offline I have always made it clear that if I do go out wth someone, that it will definitely go no further. Before I went celibate, "no further" meant the date and screwing around after. But that was it. I'd play and then go away.

This way I don't hurt anyone's feelings and I abhor "ghosting". Except in the case of when someone is persistent to the point of being creepy, those who ghost others rather than come straight out and tell it like it is--- are cowards.

lambsone • Jun 30, 2024

I've never heard of these, but oh boy, I think I fit the 2nd one. Sheesh!

I find it super hard to communicate my needs and it helps if the Dom asks me about them first so I know they are interested. But follow through is also important, because if he shows very little interest or interaction after I open myself up, then I assume he has rejected me. I need a lot of encouragement in that area.

I grew up in a home where we were not encouraged to open up. I felt very rejected by my dad most of my life. But in all fairness he had a rotten father and didn't learn how men love. I feel sorry for him.

I have also had a lot of experiences in my life of trying to talk to people and it's almost as if they are looking straight through me like I'm a ghost. I know I'm short but it's almost ridiculous how many times I seem to get ignored or overlooked. It's very tempting to start thinking that I'm not worth someone's continued time or effort.

I once attended a Christian event and got in line to thank the speaker, who I knew personally, and he talked with everyone ahead of me but when my turn came, he reached his arm out to shake hands but it was for the man behind me. He bypassed me completely, not even looking at me.

One of the men on staff saw that happen and appeared at my car when I was ready to pull out and apologized to me for the other guy. But I never went to another event that included that ignorant guy.

Anyway, thank you for bringing the topic up, as it will help me going forward. I just want to find the human one who appreciates all of me and who I can know I'm genuinely loved by for the rest of my days or his. I know I have all of this in God, but sometimes you just need someone with skin on.

Master Rob • Jun 30, 2024

Thanks for your feedback

balloonkotinsp • Jun 30, 2024

I'm fairly familiar with avoidant attachment styles. As I am classic dismissive avoidant. It stems from childhood. If you were emotionally neglected as a child, you begin to blame yourself and see yourself as fundamentally flawed. So you withdraw emotionally and shut down. You think everyone is going to see you as flawed, and reject you. So you don't expose your true self. Ever. And you avoid confrontation as well. You keep everyone at arm's length. Incapable of real love. Always romanticizing a past relationship, or someone who you may know, but doesn't really know you. This is only fixable through intense therapy, and a lot of work. I'm too old, so I'm fucked, but dieing alone is something I've come to terms with. If someone that you are dating is a da, be really careful. And in situations of conflict, never accuse. Use encouragement in your words. Or you'll cause them to shut down. Like really shut down. I also believe that this lifestyle can be very helpful to those with that attachment style. As long as you both understand how it works and affects the way we interact.

Master Rob • Jun 30, 2024

Thank you for your genuine honest words. I have to believe there is someone for you.

Master Rob • Jun 30, 2024

I have to believe G-D has plans for all of us, and it’s not for me to decide when and where. The old saying is so accurate. “Man plans and G-D laughs”

fluffypoppet​(sub female){Protected} • Jun 30, 2024

I’m an anxious attachment girlie. I’m told it is possible to develop a secure attachment style but it is something that seems to need to be intrinsically motivated and not something you can press on someone especially the avoidants. There’s a lot of info out about attachment styles though so hopefully you are able to find something that is helpful. 🤗🤗🤗

Bunnie • Jul 1, 2024

I’ve read mixed ideas around attachment styles. Some say they can be normalised, some say they can simply become toned down.
Either way, my take is that work this deep requires the knowledge of trained professionals.

I'mME • Jul 1, 2024

balloonkotinsp,

You are not too old to change whatever you feel like changing. We may never be perfect, we leave that for younger folks, but we know what's up.

I'm not saying you NEED to change B, I'm going by what you wrote.