Fearful avoidant attachment or dismissive avoidant attachment

shebakesalot​(sub female) • Jul 1, 2024

I float between anxious attachment and fearful avoidant, though mostly the latter. Talk about attachment styles seems to be popular these days, though I don't believe people ARE their attachments. For me personally, my attachment style changes depending on the kind of relationship I have with the person. Most of my friendships are secure attachments. But romantic relationships have been secure and not secure. Highly recommend reading the books Attached and Wired for Love. Great reads with insight on attachment styles and how to interact with people who have different attachment styles.

mishie​(sub female){Taken} • Jul 4, 2024

Sorry I didn't reply to your DM, Rob. I'm not opposed to replying on the forum.

I have a lot of thoughts about this topic as someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style. I went over it a bit in my profile, but have since removed it since it no longer felt like a relevant thing to tell people. I'm fine with talking about it, though. I tested as fearful avoidant across all of my relationships. And it is very emotionally taxing.

I found this video, which I relate to incredibly hard. > https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nHqyyt66dQk&t=607s

I am usually more anxious, but my avoidant side comes out when I become afraid to express my needs. Once I become attached to someone, I find it very difficult to leave. I think I turn into a very unhealthy version of myself when I am attached and can't get my needs met. It's not fun.

I think I can have a healthy relationship, but it needs to be with someone who listens to and takes care of my needs. It's too easy for me to discard my own needs to maintain the relationship, but then things go terribly wrong.

Master Rob • Jul 4, 2024

Thank you for your comments, but correct me if i am wrong, a fearful avoidant is not able to attach to anyone. So when you say, it is easy to make that attachment for you, i am wondering if there is something else there

Bunnie • Jul 4, 2024

@mishie,

I could relate to everything you said. Great video, thank you for sharing

mishie​(sub female){Taken} • Jul 4, 2024

From my understanding, a fearful avoidant both strongly wants and fears connection. I am definitely fearful avoidant, and I definitely get attached. (Sex triggers attachment in me as well, which is why I don't like casual sex.) I don't think that's unusual? I could be wrong as well.

My attachments just generally become unhealthy... I struggle a lot with advocating for my needs, upholding boundaries, being vulnerable, etc. That cannot lead to a healthy relationship, and I know that. I try to do those things, but it can feel too difficult to in the wrong relationship. I never felt secure in my last relationship. And instead of leaving, I will hide the fact that I am in pain and lie to myself. I'm at the point now where I'm afraid to get attached to anyone, because my attachments always hurt me more than I can manage. It's part of the reason why I tell people my heart is closed.

I think the best thing for someone like me is to be in a relationship with a secure person, who can model that behavior. Or any stable relationship, romantic or not. I don't think it's good for me, or anyone like me, to be alone. And I generally am. So, when I find someone that I feel attached to, leaving is really difficult.

AlphaByDesign​(dom male) • Jul 5, 2024

I don’t allow emotions to come into play because like drugs and alcohol, they impair good judgment. This is a learned skill but it generally protects someone from getting hurt either way.

mishie​(sub female){Taken} • Jul 5, 2024

I don't think I would ever be willing to sacrifice my emotions just to make more rational decisions. Though, I do find balancing emotions and logic difficult.

I feel that I need to prioritize relationships with people who make me feel safe and who can meet my needs, and slowly open up my heart from there. Plenty of people aren't patient enough for that. But for me, the risk isn't worth it otherwise. I think love can be worth the risk of the hurt that comes from losing it. I've just been in too many unhealthy relationships where pain was overall more dominant than happiness/love.