Invalidating others kinkiness - has anyone else experienced this?

Invalidating others kinkiness - has anyone else experienced

babyybubbles​(sub female) • Aug 4, 2024

For example, I've had people question my authenticity in the kink community simply because I don't enjoy the same things they do, or play thats super common within the community. They imply things like, "Oh, you're not into impact play? Then you're not really kinky," or that you need to enjoy certain things to say you are into BDSM This not only invalidates my personal preferences and boundaries but also overlooks how diverse BDSM really is. I see BDSM as a spectrum. On one end, there are
For example, I've had people question my authenticity in the kink community simply because I don't enjoy the same things they do, or play thats super common within the community. They imply things like, "Oh, you're not into impact play? Then you're not really kinky," or that you need to enjoy certain things to say you are into BDSM This not only invalidates my personal preferences and boundaries but also overlooks how diverse BDSM really is. I see BDSM as a spectrum. On one end, there are people who enjoy only a small handful of things, both in and out of the bedroom, and on the other end of the spectrum, there are those who enjoy a lot of activities and play. To me it’s perfectly normal for some to have a limited number of interests while others might be a more open.

Shouldn’t the community be accepting of everyone no matter if they like only small handful of kinks/play over a lot of different things?

This has happened to me so many occasions, times it makes me wonder if others in the community have had similar experiences. Have you ever felt judged or dismissed because your kinks or hard limits didn't mesh with someone else's expectations or ideas of what BDSM is? How did you navigate these situations?

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Aug 4, 2024

I've been hearing variations of that for decades now.

My favorite was "you can't be a Dom and have a foot fetish. Feet things are only for subs."

You are are always going to run into people who say "yOu ArEn'T dOiNg It RiGhT!!!"

Pay no attention to them, if it feels right and is consensual, then fuck'm.

Master W​(dom male){Busy} • Aug 4, 2024

I think it's a very uphill and disappointing battle to attempt to navigate kink (or anything for that matter) through the lens of "shouldn't we all" Because the "community" is made up of individual people who span all types of upbringings, moral compasses, personalities, belief systems, etc.

People here, and in life are always going to have things to say. That's just the nature of the world. In my experience inside of kink, here on this site, and outside irl, I've found that everything from maturity to understanding vary drastically from person to person.

If I don't specifically like this ONE thing then to this person I don't qualify to be here.. but to the next person I'm a perfect fit. It can definitely be annoying when you're just trying to find people who are kind and who aren't going to judge you, but keep in mind that majority of the time it's them trying to push their desires or wants onto you.

Especially as a submissive. You're going to get tons of weirdos who are going to say you don't count as a "real" submissive because you didn't start calling them daddy within 3 seconds of receiving an unsolicited picture lol most times it's a lack of experience, social skills, among other things that limit people's ability to see beyond themselves and realize that everyone is unique.

Although the internet is great and has allowed us to have places like this, it's also introduced a lot of generalizations about the lifestyle. So you run into a lot of ignorance. Don't let that bother you on a grand scale because it's nothing more than a bad interaction. You will experience many of them. It will get frustrating. You will get irritated. You might get sad. That's okay too. There are people who will welcome and embrace you, who will share in what you enjoy, and will also have the ability to respect you even if they don't.

LoveandDevotion​(sub female){Looking} • Aug 4, 2024

Yes. To be honest I am slightly wary of "very experienced" people until I get to know them because sometimes that's code for "My way is the only way, I know what's right and you need to learn my way" which is insufferable. Now for somethings with safety risks, like rigging, experience is good, but with stuff that's more about that ephemeral dynamic between two people sometimes being very experienced can mean they're less open to new things or less likely to hear you out with what you want or are curious about (versus tell you how it should be.)

To me this lifestyle comes down to relationships (even if they are short term ones) and so the best experience someone can have is being a good communicator and a willing listener. Because their way isn't the only way.

todayis wednesday​(dom male) • Aug 4, 2024

It seems that this is part of human nature, part of being in a community. We often feel attacked when things do not align with our liking. We tend to forget that we all have different tastes and preferences. This would be a very plain world if we were all the same.

On the other hand, some people try to be accepted in a group by posing or pretending to be alike, because of those social chameleons we encounter this type of behavior in this and any other communities. Of course, this is disliked by people, and think we all can see why. When someone does not like the same things as us, we might think they are just faking it. And I think this is just a defense mechanism to not get hurt in some way or another, and some sadistic people just enjoy hurting people so it could be a tactic as well. But it does not matter in most cases. If you are not into certain things, there are plenty of people who are, and you can get along with them.

Ultimately, I think that giving too much thought to why other people are assholes just for the sake of ostracizing others is not something we should spend too much time on. I get that it can be a bit disheartening to be told that you are a fake just for not liking certain things, but at the end of the day, if people are just judging you because of the things you like, that’s not someone you would want to have a relationship with or be part of their community.

House Talion​(dom male) • Aug 5, 2024

Far too many have done just this and to them I say they are all simply followers as they lack the ability to truely enjoy their part of this lifestyle without being forced to include what others have forced on them.

Take what you wantnof this lifestyle, make it yournown, and any that'd speak against the way yoy do your thing let them be damned.

Irish123​(dom male) • Aug 5, 2024

Screw them. You do you. Your kink may not be my kink, but I will not ever invalidate you kinks.

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){I Guess } • Aug 5, 2024

I would question why you feel invalidated by these others more so than why they are doing the invalidation. Be your own source of validation and then you won’t have these negative feelings, and you won’t have to rely on fitting into a narrative that you didn’t define.

FracturedPeaks​(switch female) • Aug 5, 2024

If I were to take a stab into this conversation I would say the best part of bdsm is the choice. Everyone has a menu and if they don’t like what’s on it, then its not the place for them. Plus bdsm is about more than just kink, at least in my opinion. Its a deep bond, a relationship built on trust, mutual understanding and consent. I think that is what draws the line between kinky and bdsm. There are people who want no sexual aspect of bdsm in their relationship but who still have deep and meaningful relationships with a dom/sub. I think that still makes them valid. Kinks and desires are personal, and anyone who tell’s you that you aren’t valid for what you desire and enjoy can shove it. Likewise there are people who want nothing to do with relationship and just want to have fun. Also completely valid. You are who you are. You like what you like. Bdsm is already outside the box, so there is no reason to waste time on people who want you in one (unless thats what you like.)

I guess my point is, you are valid and those people who tell you otherwise need a lesson in manners.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Aug 5, 2024

This reply fascinates me. I spend a lot of my time when helping friends or family, or myself, saying just this. Do not rely on the validation of others to feel okay. But I think it's easier said than done. And I think it's nigh on impossible when we are talking about Ds and being submissive. Isn't what we do the absolute opposite of this? We rely on the dominant for validation? That constant back and forth, the good girls, the cause and effect of tasks /scenes. Being found pleasing /actively pleasing. I think, for me, that whole sense of validation that comes from that is what 'gets me'.. What motivates me. And when you find the other half to that equation, what I like to term ds codependency, kicks in, then you create this glorious positive feedback loop.

What I think maybe happens with what the OP is talking about, is that, if you are actively looking to explore in that way, you're sensitive to criticism and maybe feeling invalidated by 'well you aren't submissive/dominant because xyz...' because you are in fact seeking to have those feelings. And that makes you vulnerable, in a way you would not normally be 'in the real world'.

I just know I am a lot more... Sensitive to others' comments in this arena.