Does anyone want something serious anymore?

Does anyone want something serious anymore?

SirBuck​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2024

I just keep getting my time wasted by people claiming to want to build something serious.

I have yet to be told that I'm just not a good fit for them ..which honestly would hurt less.

But I've been ghosted and blocked, just out of nowhere. We'd be talking, connecting, have long distance movie dates, and then just ghosted and blocked 🤷

I've been talking and connecting, and then two days after they reach out to me, they say they've been talking to another Dom for weeks and they're gonna pursue that...

So I guess ... Is there anyone out there...who is actually looking for something serious, a commitment like me? Or has everyone just become the instant gratification fuck toys?

Shaynna​(dom female) • Sep 27, 2024

Honestly, I often feel like I'm treated like a kink dispenser... I have been here for years, looking for someone to start online and eventually become in real life but all I find (and I had my profile sub first, then switch and now Domme) is guys who want to play.

As a sub, and switch, most started talking about sex right off the bat, as a Domme I get messages begging for me to use them...

I had a Daddy/slave from here who ghosted me after two months, and a sub who disappeared after a week

I'm still here and trying but honestly I don't have much hopes of finding someone anymore

Kelpi • Sep 27, 2024

If you watch Youtube enough you will see that few want anything more than a quick fix and then run. No one wants to take the time to get to know and learn about each other. Hell even when they have been with each other for years they want to know if something better is out there and end up losing what they had.

Oh for the days of old when you could find someone willing chain them to a post flog them to ecstasy and then make them clean the mess up. Those were the good old days. Now all you get is a thank you and "don't call me I'll call you". Where have all the good slaves gone?

I reread this after I posted it and I am starting to realize why I was always called and evil bastard. No wonder they never stayed for very long.

Heero​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2024

First of all, my heart goes out to anyone suffering from the issues mentioned here. They're actually quite common, and in my time in the kink community, the same or similar things have happened to me often. So, even though I am currently speaking from the other side of this issue, I really do get and appreciate the frustration.

All that being said, I do want to give some admonishment.

Losing hope or getting frustrated is pretty much never a winning strategy.

Taking a break, fine. Changing your approach, fine. Reassessing or reprioritizing your goals while still seeking to fill the same void, but perhaps in a different way, fine. Giving up...no. This just puts you in a "you miss 100% of the shots you don't take" scenario, and you're just guaranteeing that you are never fulfilled. Having a positive chance at something good is better than having zero chance.

There is another thing that we often forget when going through something like this. And it may sound a bit dismissive or ludicrous at first, but stay with me. It's not personal. It's math.

The not personal part is hard to swallow, because of course this is a very personal thing for you. But just putting things in perspective and understanding what you're up against is an important awareness that I find can help you stave off frustration and hopelessness.

(Things can get complicated when considering orientations and the various things people seek that are personal to them, but I'm a heterosexual male and would seek relationships with females, so I will break some things down from that perspective. But the considerations, and often the math, will look similar in other scenarios.)

1. Almost by definition, good things are rare and hard to come by.

If you're not looking for something casual/easy/low-value, you should expect to have a longer and harder search. It's just not very likely to go the other way. Some people get lucky, but it's almost like winning the lottery, and the expectation that you'll be the lucky one who finds what you want right away should not be there. A LOT of emotional turmoil comes from mismatched expectations-to-reality.

2. The math: Men outnumber women on sites like this, and pretty much every dating site. By a LOT. And the average male on such sites is going to be more interested in play and casual activities.

What does this mean for a man seeking something deep and fulfilling from a woman? Well, most of the good ones are taken by the time you show up. Yes, new people are entering the scene at any given time, but the "good ones" entering are rare ("good" being defined here in terms of what this thread is about--"high value" individuals looking for something deep, long term, and non-casual.)

What does this mean for a woman seeking something deep and fulfilling from a man? Well, the likelihood you will engage with such a man by chance is small, because there are a LOT of men and most of them will not fit that criteria.

3. The above issues get compounded because you're in an online venue. The anonymity and ease with which someone can just disappear or be an asshole without any real consequences reaching them simply make those things more likely. Water flows downhill; most people will not fight the convenience for bad-acting that an online platform provides. Most people will not have that strength of character. And a lot of people will never really even see you as a real person--just texts or images or video on a screen, and their brain never computes that they're hurting another human being on the other side of that screen.

==============

The above sort of tells you that you should expect an uphill battle. Expect and accept that most people will not fit the criteria you seek, even when they may appear to do so at first. It's not personal, it's not the universe being against you, it's not that these things aren't meant for you, it's not that there's no one out there for you, it's just the math. Most people are not looking for or are otherwise unable to give you what you seek. When you get that through your head, you'll realize that all these misadventures are just likely outcomes and a cost of doing business.

Setting your expectations this way is great for a few reasons. But here are too...if you find such a connection quickly, then the joy of being so lucky would be so unexpected and hence awesome. If you find someone after many misadventures, there will be a sense that you worked hard to get to this person, it would actually be way easier to appreciate and value them for the rarity they are and it'll hence be awesome.

Yes, as I have said before in many of my forum posts, ghosting and all that stuff is immature and in bad faith. But people are immature and act in bad faith, what are you going to do about that? Nothing you can do but roll the dice on a promising prospect once more. Perhaps after taking a breather.

Heero​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2024

Things can get a bit complicated comparing this time to past times. Quite often people staying together wasn't really a matter of choice. And I suspect the someone making the CHOICE to go deep with you is a part of the desire of the OP. But yes, the ease and multitude of other choices will definitely make it more difficult for the long-term side of things.

Hahahaha, yeah, the combination of "the days of old" and "where have all the good slaves gone?" doesn't seem likely to age well 🤣

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2024

There are a couple of things to consider here.

We can just ignore the notion that there is a subset of people who will always be flaky on commitment whether out of actual phobia or a 'grass is always greener' mentality. This is not going to change anytime soon.

What is left is the understanding that kink is currently trending. It is chic to be kinky. There is always a trend that drives the social construct and while it offers the benefits of exposure and eventual social acceptance, it also brings in an influx of cultural tourists. Folx who wish to be trendy, or may even be genuinely interested, but tend to be more interested in the image than the substance. They do only enough work to fit the mold they are going for, then coast along on that thin vaneer. This works better for things like nerd culture where the image is enough for most people, but when you get into something like kink, having lasting relationships requires that the brunt of the work actually be done. If you lean that up against the way relationships are commonly portrayed in the ever more intrusive media, you end up with a flimsy structure that will fall over sooner than later. Like any fad, within the next few years, the novelty will wear off and most of these people will have moved on to the next fad, leaving those who take it seriously to reap the rewards of the culture-shift, namely social acceptance and the broader variety that comes from free and inclusive thought.

Another thing to consider is how the definitions of loyalty and seriousness have changed and how your own interpretations may need to either adapt or embrace a somewhat niche existence. Non-monogamy is becoming a more common thing. I refer to this specifically because I am non-monogamous and I have a lot of experience with how this lifestyle has drawbacks. I've missed out on plenty of potential partners and have even been the recipient of uncalled-for flak by people who seem to be under the impression that it is only possible to have a loyal and commited relationship with one person. I see this as a difference in definition. To me, loyalty and commitment in relationships refer to a guarantee of emotional integrity and honesty, endeavoring to make the most of the limited time we all have. With this definition in mind, I would hold any of my relationships over the years against any monogamous relationship out there.

Long story short, I would advise that you just keep looking, bearing mind that this is kind of a tough time for kink, but that it is patterned to get easier once the fad starts to die down. In the meantime, continue working internally to fully understand just what you are actually looking for when you say that you want a serious, committed relationship.

Heero​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2024

Great advice and a great post oer usual, MA.

SirBuck​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2024

Thank you all for the responses and advice. I am obviously frustrated...but not giving up, just gonna be taking a step back from the search. Also taking a little inventory on myself as to why things hit me so hard this week.

...Tues the first would be my dad's bday. His first one since he passed...so sorta just a lot of negative feels going on for me this week to make it hit that much harder.

Taking a step back to heal myself a bit more before stepping back into the search.

Heero​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2024

Indeed. It's also often the case that there is a larger context at work making some things in life that less bearable.

Sending good vibes and well wishes your way.

DidiRN​(sub female) • Sep 27, 2024

I still don't understand why people think that ghosting, blocking without reason, or cheating are acceptable. Whatever happened to "treat others how you'd want to be treated"? I don't like when those things happen to me, so I won't do it to others. I don't want to make anyone else feel how I feel when that happens. I feel like people are out to get "theirs" and the hell with anyone else's feelings.

I hope things get better.