Mentoring New subs

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 24, 2018

I agree that sub to sub mentoring is better.
It removes the complexity of the sub/Dom dynamic and promotes insight.

It stops the sub from concentrating on the Dom and allows for the sub to concentrate on the self.

I look at it like this.

A nurse cant teach someone how to be a police person.

The requirements of the identities are completely different.

Tanaquil • Oct 24, 2018

Really glad to see the dom-sub "mentoring" thing getting called out here. Of course some of them really do mean well, and in some situations it may have turned out to be beneficial for all parties, but it always struck me as predatory grooming behavior. Especially when it comes in the form of a random solicitation over a kink website from someone who lives a thousand miles away. Being new to the community can be a rude awakening, I feel for those who are new to the lifestyle as well.

Berserk​(dom male) • Oct 26, 2018

@MasterBear
“A nurse cant teach someone how to be a police person. “
There is no one size fits all answer to mentoring and I see benefits on both sides of the debate.
A police man can teach a nurse how to protect herself and a nurse can teach a policeman to save a life.
I have read Submissive’s blogs to gain a different perspective and I have had discussions with Doms to help me understand a situation.
Your gut instinct will tell you If you are on the right track.

Good read.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 26, 2018

@wolfhead01

I think your answer that a nurse and a cop can teach each other -- for me illustrates the finer points here.


It isnt as easy as one aspect of the job.

Like submission and dominance.


I'm not saying that they dont have things to teach each other.

But the depth of what they have to teach is limited.
Nursing is much more then saving lives.

Being a cop is much more than protecting themselves.

Some of what each has to teach is not only not necessary for the other but also could be dangerous for their given professions.


You dont start a new nurse out by putting them with a cop. You put them with a more experienced nurse.

But that was only an exaggerated example.

I've been M/s for 17 years.


What I see over and over are D types

"Mentoring " subs for play and sex.
Then once the sub is used they go on to "mentor" another sub.

I dont mentor subs and I dont mentor ppl that aren't master identified.

If a sub wants to learn how I do things that a fine. But their next master may
have a completely different set of expectations.

Plus - if the slave is "into" me then it makes it that much harder to be honest about how they feel IF they feel differently then they "think they should".


My love mentors slaves.


she understands a slaves pain in a way I will never be able to.

she understands a subs disappointment in themselves in a way I cant.

New nurse - put them with an older nurse.
New sub- put them with an older sub.

Berserk​(dom male) • Oct 27, 2018

I would like to weigh in again. If anyone has on their profile a ‘Do not disturb’ i Shall respect that .... otherwise I see no reason not to contact , sub or anyone else for that matter.
I do realise there are the misinformed, immature, disrespectful trolls who try hard and need to be monitored. However I refuse to let that affect me approaching a woman on a dating sight with whom ,at the very least, I can have an intelligent conversation with, that is not predatory behavior. My contact with Dom’s, where the conversation is fairly consistently about subs ... I give and take in those as I do in conversations with subs. And as is my prerogative I prefer to spend my valuable time in the presence of a submissive woman than a Dominant man.


Mentoring, as a long term commitment is serious business , I can appreciate that. Being a part of someone’s learning process and contributing to their knowledge base on a positive way is also mentoring., and a process of someone looking to understand their bigger picture..

We should be starting from a position of Repect and Trust and hold that position with someone, unless your gut or their action tell you otherwise ....expect the best... prepare for the worst.

Just to reiterate ;If a Dom approaches a sub online on a dating site it is not predatory. It is though the second he/she disrespects a boundary.

ivyandtwine​(sub female) • Oct 27, 2018

I think this may be the crux of the different perspectives:

I don't know that many of us see the Cage as a "dating site." There are personal ads, sure, but I think there's a good portion of people who are here are looking for advice and discussion.

When I first joined the site, and even now, I get at least a dozen doms a day offering to "train me" -- but they aren't even anywhere close to me on a map!! They may be lovely people, but if they took the time to look at my profile and posts here, they would realize that I'm not looking for "training." I'm looking for guidance. Advice from a Dom who has experience is welcome, and I've had a handful of cold callers in my inbox who offered me amazing advice and guidance. The difference between them and the dom offering to "train me" is that they didn't assume/ask/hint/manipulate/push me into a dating dynamic that may not even be logical or plausible.

If a Dom or sub sees this as a dating site, and want that kind of "training" I think they should only offer to those who have requested that in the personal ads. Otherwise, you may get ignored for no other reason than that the person isn't interested in dating.

Ivy

Phanes​(dom male) • Oct 27, 2018

Ok I know I had previous responded to this forum early on; however putting a bit more thought into it, I decided to add one more post.

I have Myself mentored both Doms and submissives in the lifestyle. What needs to be done before you do so; just like any relationship to be established. A clear, defined expectations and limitations need to be established. That way there should be no confusion as to what the roles are between the two parties involved. A Mentor is mainly someone to help guide and advise someone who is seeking to learn of the lifestyle, to be there to answer any questions they may have regarding their search for the O/one they may wish to enter a relationship with, assist them in devising questions they may wish to ask of anyone to whom they may be interested in so they can weed out the pretenders and to determine if whomever they may be considering is a good fit , and perhaps train them in proper ettiquette in training sessions (non sexual in nature). The Mentor should be someone who can be trusted not to blur the lines; who will stay within the established limitations, and who has only the interests of the O/one to whom they are Mentoring.

Bunnie • Oct 27, 2018

Completely agree @ ivy

Berserk​(dom male) • Oct 27, 2018

@ivy

I did refer to dating sites in one of my posts and have looked through the personals here at The Cage as well, I just want to agree with what you have posted.
Just through my interactions on this post alone I have learnt that the term ‘mentor’ in the D/s dynamic carries much more weight and depth than I had previously considered.

I have always enjoyed discussions about BDSM and the dynamics we have and I would rather see a united front of kinksters sharing their thoughts and experience, after all communication of ideas is what keeps the kink world turning.

I still maintain that if asked for advice or, as @ivy put it, guidance I will give it if I can.

Here is to questions and crumbs.
Have a great day.

Revising and reflecting before action

Indi303​(switch female) • Oct 29, 2018

Nicely stated. I'm still refining this revision and reflection skill as a writer, and it's great for branching out into different areas of my life.

General interests are very important, and can easily be overshadowed by the specifics of actions that can be figured out later on.

While I may consider myself a sub because of positive experiences I've had in the past, I may find that my chemistry, ideas, actions and reactions feel differently with a mentor.

It's quite a baffling but interesting idea to me, so I'm learning as much as possible before even interacting with anyone.

There's so much information, forums and groups to gather and learn in.