Punishments

@Deliberate Dom

Glad you wrote that because I agree completely with what the wolf man up there wrote. And it wasn't a "tear down" of anything, just his thoughts on how dynamics that work... work.


Of course, subs choose who will be the dominant but dominants also choose who will be the sub in their dynamic. But there are always exceptions. Don't forget the TPE where the submissive neither has nor wants any "power" outside of necessary communication, boundaries, limits.

So, I am glad that cooler heads have prevailed. (Thanks@ SirsBabyDoll)

.....And as for the original topic, lest I wander too far into the weeds, the "punishment" aspect of a D/s relationship is for those who are into it, like in a TPE or in the case of brat-taming. But indeed, there are many dynamics without this feature, and the domination/submission is as simple as the D taking the lead on decisions and the S completely content with that arrangement.

Also, the perception that it's always whips and chains for the subs could very well come from the very words that "BDSM" spell out.

It's tough to shake a stereotypical perception when "we" use those letters to describe this life choice.

Heeeey! I take exception to being included in the "or in the case of brat-taming"! Not all Brat dynamics want, need, or desire "punishments".

In fact, in my 6 year dynamic, I was only spanked as a punishment once. That was when we discovered that spanking as a punishment (for ME) was a hard limit.

I have learned that the best way to beat a Brat...is to best them at their our game. We enjoy that shit like a kid in a candy shop!

That was a general statement.


II do not include specific individuals or their particular dynamics in what I post unless expressly indicated (and I know the person)

So just relax .

I'd like to come at this in a little different way. It is true enough that punishment is nearly always seen and expected as a one way street. Probably also true that it gets talked about here way more than it is actually practiced by most mature D/s couples. Funishments? Sure, for their fun...

Since it is probably not in many sub's make up to want to try actually punishing their Dom, maybe addressing something valuable is needed in any Dom's make up, but often difficult to come by. I am talking about APOLOGIZING when warranted. I suspect that a sincere apology along with a promise to try to do better, etc., would be even more satisfying to many subs than the prospect of punishing their Dom!

Since no human (including us Doms) is perfect, clearly errors of judgment or action will get made now and then. Doms who can man up, and admit a mistake --with an apology-- are more worthy of their title !

[quote="SirsBabyDoll"]What gets me is that accountability is so one sided.

Where are the writings about the Doms being "punished" for breaking a dynamic rule? Hell! Where are the writings about how a Dom should properly show remorse for violating a rule?

Where are THOSE writings, be cause it's not just submissives who are accountable for their actions....

Yet it's treated like they are the only ones who break a rule.[/quote

All of this is SO true and it’s this exact subject that broke me for years from a Dom who only enjoyed when he was getting to punish me. There was very few days that perfection to his liking was achieved. I left that relationship which was attached to a 30 year friendship that was everything to me. I learned a few things through. First I never really knew him in 30 years. He was not the safe, loving and gentle man who everything about me was safe with. I loved seeing the one person who spoke of punishment seeming to be the front of the thoughts of most Doms. Your words about it and where is the talk about what should happen when the Dom is the one making the mistakes?? Great question.

A lot of worms crawling out of this can. I think the punishers believe that's what a sub wants is to be punished, but even if he/she does, there is more complexity to a dynamic than punishment and reward. A dynamic is not a Skinnarian box.

I think if all someone wants is to punish, it's coming from a place of insecurity. Many want to control and punish because they feel inferior to begin with. Punishing gives them the (false) sense of superiority they crave.

Punishment is negative reinforcement. It's the difference between using a shock collar, or treats, to train your dog. Humans obviously are much more evolved than dogs and even dogs are more effectively trained through positive reinforcement than shock collars. They are good for conditioning/setting boundaries. You actually need a little negative reinforcement. Damn, though, where's the joy in relationship if you lead with punishment? That, for me, is the whole purpose of obedience training to build a healthy, happy relationship.

When it comes to a dynamic and building a relationship with a human being, you're training each other. You both agree to protocols, rules, limits etc. It's not a one-sided deal even if you are "training" someone. If you need to make someone feel miserable to make yourself feel good... yeah, you wouldn't be listening anyway, so this is a rather pointless post, but I'm sitting out in a parking lot waiting with nothing better to do... so my two cents.

So a possibility I’ve not seen mentioned yet is perhaps people ask so much about “how to use punishment” in their dynamic, because they want to utilise it as a tool but genuinely don’t know how?
Perhaps praise and recognition etc already exist, and the concept of punishment is foreign and uncomfortable, so they’re seeking guidance in how to do so without creating damage or doing harm.
I’m not talking about the ridiculous “daddy sent me here so you can all tell me how I should be punished”/“how should I punish my naughty little slut?!” type crap we see posted from time to time.
But the genuine questions and concerns.

I believe in “punishment” as a form of correction. That can look many different ways- don’t assume that what that word means for you, means the same for everyone. I have received punishments ranging from being caned to writing lines to being made to edge for days. Of course, they all varied to match what it was that was being corrected. Some were severe, some were mild. All were effective.
That’s the key. It’s not about whether something should exist or not- it’s about knowing someone well enough to recognise whether or not it is an effective tool to have in the kit.

If it’s people genuinely asking questions to seek guidance, we should be encouraging that- no matter how many times we see it (I’ve been here a while- I’ve seen the same discussions a lot 😂), not shitting on it and silencing them.
If you want to see discussions around how Doms hold themselves accountable when they make mistakes, start a thread or write a blog, or read some of the blogs- there are plenty of great Dominants here who do actually write about that very aspect of their journey.