Courtesy and Dominance

My Sir has mastered this concept. He is a gentlemen who I find charming but also someone I highly respect, tinged with just the right amount of fear (the fun kind that makes me obey even if I don’t necessarily want to).

Sir, maybe you can add some insight on to how you balance dominance and courtesy so well?

From my perspective:
It definitely depends on the tone and timing. We’re 24/7 so he is always Sir and I am always sub/his kitten, so there’s a balance between a scene and just general life.

In scene, Sir would not say “please” and frankly it would be weird if he did. In scene he’s my sadistic Master. “Please” would take the edge off the intensity of the moment and his commands and neither of us is interested in that.

In life, “please” is sweet and sexy. In life he’s my playful and loving but demanding leader/care giver. In life I agree with many of the other sub’s comments that “please” makes me want to rush to comply more than just a direct order, so I suggest you wield it like the powerful tool it is.

As a sexual masochist for me, "please" does not enter the equation. Nor does "asking". But that's just me. As I write often, I'm not a "lifestyle sub". In sex my purpose is to serve the pleasure of whatever top takes me to the bedroom/dungeon. I am an object and that turns me on.

But when the clothes come back on I'm an ordinary stuffy Asian bitch.

* * * *



A lot of things Southern women say aren't what they seem.. There's a whole lexicon online somewhere that describes the "compliments" they give and that they're really insulting the hell out of you.

Haven't seen it yet but I'm positive there's a nice Southern belle way to tell someone "You're an ugly bastard and you smell like ass. Get the fuck out of my house."

For me, I especially be mindful when requesting/demanding my submissive to carry out a task for me. I *always* say please, not only because it goes well along with my "No need to raise your voice to get across your message/Gentleman's tone only" principle, but it also reminds my submissive that despite I am Master and she is mine, that does *not* mean I am superior to her as a human being. It reminds her that although I guide , she propels. Although I harness the power, she *gives me the power in the first place* as BDSM relationships really do revolve around what your submissive is willing or not willing to do, for if there is no submissive, what can a Dominant do? And vice versa as they are necessary for each other. But the submissives hold the key for the Dominants to be, well, Dominant. Saying please lets them know you are not power hungry, that you are not just throwing your weight around as a Dominant just because the BDSM says that Dominants order around submissives. You *guide* and help them *grow* into their own person as they strive to achieve what they wish for in life, just as they give you the power to do the same.

The other part to saying please all the time is it gives a bit of a signal. Imagine, all your relationship, you are known to your lover as always saying please and thank you. Now, one day, your submissive decides to act out really badly or they decide to test you. *Not* saying please the next time? They *will* notice that and psychology plays into it as they figure out, "Well, I screwed up, huh?/Oh, I am going to get it./My Dominant is not pleased with me." It lets them know you are serious and that you are not about to let them walk all over you (then there are brats/littles but they are another matter entirely) just because you have been courteous and showing consideration.

Saying please and thank you does not lessen the impact as you fear, but it can definitely intensify said impact.

Saying please and thank you is never a detriment on your image as a Dominant despite how the inner instinct to "Dom-mand" your submissive to perform a task or whatever it makes you feel as if you should recoil at the words. You are only reinforcing yourself as the authority, the figure being looked up to, the guide and teacher, and also, the lover.

Of course, it can depend on your submissive to, as to whether or not they are into you demanding them around or finding peace and all with you politely requesting them. But this one is easiest to figure out, just test it, heh.

Hopefully, this helps you in regards to courtesy and all. I wish you well and hopefully, you can sort out which sort of route you will go for and that it works out well for both you and your submissive.

Edit: A good middle ground is to simply ask them (with a polite tone) to go about their tasks. "Can you (so and so), May I (so and so)." It lacks please and thank, if you want it to, but it is still polite and achieves the same affect of you actually considering their stance.

Agreed. In fact, "please" said in just the right voice, with just the right kind of energy, can cause the hair on the back of my neck to stand up, a shiver to slide down my spine, and my pulse to race. It can shoot a spike of enorphins through me. The delivery and intent is everything.

Power, after all, is not a loss of control.

Generally-

I think there is a time and place for good manners with your submissive. It always depends on the dynamic I suppose but when you are out in public or not actively playing, training, or setting up a scene it’s cute and polite. There’s nothing wrong with being a gentleman I don’t think. Plus, as with everything, tone and body language matters. I can hold eye contact with my Kitten, ask her politely to do something and know that she very well knows that I’m not asking her.

Being a Gentleman-

Every Dom has a different way they like to run their dynamic. Every sub has different things that make them wriggle. Being a gentleman outside of play with my sub is very important to me. I like to hold doors for her, grab car doors, I try not to curse in front of her (that one definitely drops off in the bedroom), and generally ensure she is treated well and politely. It makes me happy, it makes her feel special and happy, and it’s just nice. Having a good relationship with your submissive, saying what you mean and following through, and taking the time to ensure that you and your submissive have good chemistry make it so that you don’t have to worry about your style of D/s. If you build your D/s Dynamics around who you are and who you want to be then things will flow naturally and you will be more comfortable and happier than if you are trying to catch yourself and stop yourself from saying please to your partner who may very well enjoy hearing it tacked on to the end of the thought anyways.

In play-

As I said before though there are times where ‘please’ may not be appropriate. Once I start providing specific sets of instructions that are to be followed exactly and without question then I don’t add the please anymore. For me it happens naturally. Though you could still say please and use it as an escalation of force type thing I suppose. “come here please” (add some eyebrow raises) “come”. I think that can be fun too. As long as you can differentiate for your sub when you are asking and when you are commanding I really don’t think it matters how you decorate the sentence.

Chivalry-

It’s not dead! Being a gentleman does not make you weak, it’s just a style. If it’s your style own it!

-JB