Is it ok to ask?

Is it ok to ask?

Tied and Bound​(masochist female) • Aug 17, 2019

Bare with me here everyone. I'm new not only to the online scene but the BDSM world. I'm a submissive masochist wanting to find my Dom.

What I want to know....is it ok for a sub to ask the man to be her Dom? Is it simply assumed when you start tying each other up and pouring wax on their nipples?

I find myself confused and conflicted on how the limits get set when owning your sub hasn't happened. I would like to think there would be a conversation when the Dom wants his sub for himself.

Is it ok for the sub to ask for clarity? To ask to be the only sub?

So many questions..........

Swift • Aug 17, 2019

I think it's good to be explicit.

Ask what you want. Part of being submissive is about finding your voice and getting your needs met.

And it will help your guy understand what you want. He may say yes or he may say no. But you don't know if you don't ask.

Go for it : )

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Aug 17, 2019

First, welcome to the community!

Limits should be set before you play, not just before you commit to a Dom. You don’t want your play partner crossing a line they didn’t know existed because you waited to tell them your limits.

A sub can ask someone to be their Dom, but I’d be very careful not to do that too quickly. Compare this in the vanilla world to going on a date and asking the guy to be your boyfriend. You’re welcome to ask but wait until you’re ready for the commitment and you think he may be too.

It’s going to be a long in-depth conversation, not just a simple question and answer. You’ll both need to know what being a Dom and a sub means to each other; your expectations, limits, aspirations, long term plans, are you going to be 24/7 or bedroom only, how do you both feel about collars, what experience do you each have, etc.

And yes, it is 100% ok to require monogamy from your partner. Sharing is a hard limit for both me and my Sir.

As a newbie, please feel free to ask lots and lots of questions and make some contacts who you can reach out to for advice and friend support.

Tied and Bound​(masochist female) • Aug 17, 2019

Not having any experience makes it especially difficult.

I really appreciate the feedback.

Interlimnal​(switch gender fluid) • Aug 17, 2019

Bare with me here everyone. I'm new not only to the online scene but the BDSM world. I'm a submissive masochist wanting to find my Dom.

What I want to know....is it ok for a sub to ask the man to be her Dom?

*Yes, always.

Is it simply assumed when you start tying each other up and pouring wax on their nipples?

*If you're at that stage and haven't discussed things, it's either super casual or you've gone too far without talking things out.

I find myself confused and conflicted on how the limits get set when owning your sub hasn't happened.

*You set, change and modify your own limits as you see fit. You should know them well enough to be able to express them in a conversation. It's the responsibility of your partner to ask A LOT of questions. Over and over again as much as it takes. They need to understand and respect what you will and won't do, and where those lines are hard, and where they're blurry.

I would like to think there would be a conversation when the Dom wants his sub for himself.

*many, many conversations, before, after and during. Even if it's casual.

Is it ok for the sub to ask for clarity? To ask to be the only sub?

*ABSOLUTELY. Tell anyone who tells you different to take a long walk off a short pier.

Interlimnal​(switch gender fluid) • Aug 17, 2019

I want to add another point. I saw a blog earlier with the same sort of assumptions that you might have.

It's very important to understand that submission, like consent or limits, is not a one time event. It's a living breathing thing that changes over time.

You can ask someone to be your Dom, but even if they say yes, it means nothing. It's simply an agreement to progress further and explore things together within agreed boundaries *which may and should change and evolve over time*.

You're new, so I won't overwhelm you with trying to explain the nuances too much. Yes, some D/s arrangements are very formal, and there are commitments and protocol to how limits and submission may be modified or discussed. This is advanced stuff for people who are experienced.

You don't want that in a first D/s relationship. You want a loving, attentive partner who genuinely makes you feel understood, safe and desired. Someone open and honest who will take all the time in the world to explain, comfort and wait if you are uncertain.

Be cautious, take things slow, and talk through anything you don't understand, both within the relationship and in places like this.

Lossofalme • Aug 17, 2019

Welcome! Asking questions is super important and a really brave step when you're feeling new so I want you to know you're being awesome and doing the right thing by asking and reaching out. If you ever run into someone who tries to tell you that you shouldn't reach out or talk with others in the community... get rid of them!

For your questions... they all boil down to communication and consent, and BOTH communication and consent are important elements here. Like Interlimnal said, consent is not a one-and-done event, consent is an ongoing process of communication. Especially when you're just starting out (in the community, or with a new partner) you'll want to sit down someplace where you feel comfortable and just talk about what you would like to have happen and what you DON'T want to have happen. A lot of bdsm is negotiation and communication and a building up of knowledge about yourself and the people around you (as a submissive masochist you'll probably want to be extra open with new partners about what intensity of sensation you want and where you want those sensations to happen, since one person's happy "five" on the intensity scale might be another person's omg no "eleven" and making a mistake there isn't going to be fun for anyone! lol). Take your time, talk, and remember that nothing is off limits when it comes to communicating with a new partner. If you need something to happen, or don't want something to happen, it's absolutely okay to tell them that up front. If those things turn out to be a problem for them, don't worry! You'll find someone else who is a better fit for you, and probably sooner than you imagine!

If you can, you might see if there is a munch or similar "get to know the community in a vanilla setting" opportunity near you? Some communities also offer classes (like a bdsm 101 class, or more specific classes that address specific interests, like rope or leather or age play) you can attend to get a feel for things. Don't let the vocabulary scare you off, building a relationship is still just building a relationship... get to know the people in your community, tell your partner what you want for yourself and what you'd like to offer them, ask them to tell you where they see the relationship going, and try to have fun!

Tied and Bound​(masochist female) • Aug 17, 2019

Thank you all for your advice and knowledge. I feel a lot better, less confused and overall really glad that I can reach out and not have to worry.

No Body​(dom male) • Aug 18, 2019

Welcome and hello. Yes it is ok but don't just pick the first one. There are so many good and bad ones take your time and talk to people (not just Doms but subs to). It takes so much more than just enjoying what he does to you. There has to be respect and love also. Take your time and get to know the one you want but also remember to leave a way out for yourself. Not everything will work out the way you want it. becarefull always be honest to you and to the one you want most of all never beafraid to give your heart. Even after you have it broken there will come the one who will make the others just a memory.

InYourHead​(dom male) • Aug 19, 2019

Hello and welcome to the lifestyle. Before i say anything else let me say this.
Take your time. Make friends in the lifestyle. Build a circle of support. People who you can turn to for advice...but for Gods sake dont jump on the first onrme that tells you what you want to hear.
Relationships take time. They require MUTUAL communincation, trust , respect and love.

If a dominant tells you he wont love you because doms cant love their subs then get away from him as fast as you can. Hes very likely to hurt you badly.

Now to answer your question. Yes... I feel it is perfectly acceptable for a sub to ask...you need o be able to express your thoughts..feelings..concerns and desires.

This should be ongoing from very early in the relationship. Be careful.. Watch out for the predators. And never be scared to express yourself to a potential Dom. If he is sincere..he will welcome it.