Positive Masculinity

Positive Masculinity

MrMeltron​(dom male) • Aug 8, 2020

There is much discussion around toxic masculinity, as there should be, but I am really curious to also hear from a sub female perspective: what are some positive aspects of masculinity that you look for or appreciate in a partner?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 8, 2020

Ok, I’m gay bottom sub, but I’d wager these are things that align with sub women, we often seem to have stuff in common.
I believe part of the problem with patriarchy is how some cultures try and establish it as the norm, one size fits all, or how it ‘should be.’ Some things are medicinal to one or under certain circumstances and poison under other circumstances.
Some masculine attributes that are positive for me are assertion, desire for control, the drive to procreate (which I take way beyond the physical) , so much more. For me it’s really how and when masculinity is expressed/delivered that makes the difference between positive and toxic

larkspur​(sub female) • Aug 8, 2020

Personally I appreciate men who are calm and self-controlled, driven, and assertive, but like tallslenderguy I think that there are as many expressions as there are men. Many traits that are positive can also be really toxic if you don't know your audience, for example when exerting control is appropriate. Even anger can be appropriate or toxic, and make a sub feel safe or unsafe, depending on the context and how you express it.

Bunnie • Aug 8, 2020

Logic, rationality, inspirational leadership, patience, kindness, tenderness...
It’s difficult to name individual characteristics like a checklist. When it comes to recognising positive masculinity, someone who stands out to me is a man who sits comfortably and unapologetically in his masculinity, and doesn’t see that as a negative thing, because he’s not afraid of it... and because he knows that masculinity isn’t negative, nor is it simply all about machismo. He fully owns himself, and has explored every valley of himself, coming to accept all of who he is. Yes, these men exist. Growth is their desire. Walking a path of authenticity. When I find myself around these men, it doesn’t become about personality traits that stand out... even though they do possess those... it becomes about how I feel around them. Something in them stirs something in me. Something so deep inside and so primitive, that all I can name it is my femininity. My femininity recognises these men.
That for me is positive masculinity. When a man inspires my femininity to meet the space between us and create that magic of symbiosis.

Toxicity in my eyes, simply means lack of growth and self-awareness. Anyone trying to push themselves along a path that isn’t for them becomes toxic, whether it be male or female. We see it in females who are miserable and snarky, just as we see it in men who are arrogant and violent.

Bunnie • Aug 8, 2020

I also wanted to say that I absolutely love this thread, and really look forward to reading what others consider to be positive masculinity. Thank you

kajirasubm{On Hiatus } • Aug 8, 2020

It's a quiet self assuredness and strength of calm. It's the ability to take charge with ease.
The desire to protect, nuture and guide.
To step fearlessly.

There is no manner of dress, nor speech, nor boastfulness to define one's masculinity. For that is merely " role playing " a part.

One's masculinity is inherently natural and genuine.

PawPawGirl​(sub female){Azzabackam} • Aug 9, 2020

Bunnie, I agree, toxicity is not a masculine trait...it is a human trait that unfortunately has become all to prevalent. When we have no accountability, do whatever we want with no regard for anyone, and lack empathy...we become toxic to ourselves and those around us.

Whether masculine or feminine, I appreciate the following:
1. Listen to understand. Too many people don't bother to try to understand another point of view. It's ok to agree to disagree...even within a D/s dynamic.

2. Be considerate of others. The world does not revolve around you (or me) Above all things be nice. We can be friendly and not be friends.

3. Act like a mature adult. Just because someone hurt my feelings or things didn't go as planned doesn't give me carte blanche to be a brat ( or worse)

4. Be accountable for your actions. Actions have consequences...some positive-some negative. We all make mistakes, own it...D or s.

5. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. We evolve...we change our mind...that is to be expected...just be honest about it.

PawPawGirl​(sub female){Azzabackam} • Aug 9, 2020

Bunnie, I agree, toxicity is not a masculine trait...it is a human trait that unfortunately has become all to prevalent. When we have no accountability, do whatever we want with no regard for anyone, and lack empathy...we become toxic to ourselves and those around us.

Whether masculine or feminine, I appreciate the following:
1. Listen to understand. Too many people don't bother to try to understand another point of view. It's ok to agree to disagree...even within a D/s dynamic.

2. Be considerate of others. The world does not revolve around you (or me) Above all things be nice. We can be friendly and not be friends.

3. Act like a mature adult. Just because someone hurt my feelings or things didn't go as planned doesn't give me carte blanche to be a brat ( or worse)

4. Be accountable for your actions. Actions have consequences...some positive-some negative. We all make mistakes, own it...D or s.

5. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. We evolve...we change our mind...that is to be expected...just be honest about it.

Keeeks • Aug 9, 2020

Positive Masculinity= action/doing, assertive, protector, decisive, focused

There is nothing inherently toxic in masculinity. Toxicity exists in all humanity.

What would toxic femininity be I wonder? I guess it just means negative behavior that females are more likely to engage in. Gossip, backstabbery, etc.

Growth is hard work

FeralM​(dom male) • Aug 9, 2020

Bunny - I really like your comment about self-awareness. In my own journey, I had to hit bottom in order to realize how deeply I held core beliefs that were not only completely disrespectful to women but also dehumanized and objectified them. I had come from a fundamental Christian background with very defined roles as to what was expected of a husband for example, but I did not realize a lot of my behaviors used masculinity to control and manipulate. For example silence, in my mind, I would rather say nothing than blurt out something stupid that would damage the relationship beyond repair - yet my ex-wife would interpret that as distancing myself emotionally from her and she felt it was an invisible barrier to communication. There are positive things about traditional masculinity, but often, if a man is immature and unwilling to face his issues it becomes a mask/shield to hide vulnerability or to control the other person. Control is fear-based. Men, if they are honest can be intimidated by a woman who is comfortable in her sexuality - this is, in my opinion how slut shaming becomes a way to keep women in their place and that is what I would call toxic masculinity.