Dealing with shame

Dealing with shame

Eliza Raine​(sub female) • Sep 8, 2020

This very well could have been covered here before. But one thing I’m curious about is shame when (especially as a sub, because that’s where my headspace is) how do you combat feelings of shame when unable to do something that is desired of you by your dominant? Unable whether because of discomfort or just physical inability. Maybe it’s something that is normally okay, but this time it’s not.

I have an idea that it may have a lot to do with my own sense of self worth and that some more work and love needs to be accomplished towards the self. But I wanted to get feedback for this community as well.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Sep 8, 2020

I can only speak for myself in that I would never ever ask a sub to complete anything in a task that they were unable to do ! Either because of a physical reason or lack of knowledge/training

I have known Doms set up subs to fail in order to justify a punishment and I find that wrong in my opinion

If a sub is living in fear of failure then that’s not healthy

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 8, 2020

I think this is a tough one. I’m big on compatibility vs doing something because one or the other wants it. i think that leads to false expectations and resentment. I know some look at D/s differently, but I think up front discussion of kinks is really important for this reason because that’s where we can discover compatibility that creates a symbiotic relationship instead of quid pro. I think a healthy D/s relationship needs enough compatibility to satisfy both parties. To me compatibility removes the cause of (this kind) of shame. I know it’s not cut and dried, things change, I just believe (in kink terms) shame should not be a thing (not talking degradation or humiliation here)

Eliza Raine​(sub female) • Sep 8, 2020

I must have been too vague, not really setting up a good scenario in my post. Here is more context...

The particular times I'm referring to what was wanted of me were not things that were beyond my limits of what I wanted to give, or even have given in the past. These particular times, for various reasons, it wasn't working out, no matter how much I might have wanted it to. There was no pressure or shame given to me by anyone but myself. In fact, my partner worked very hard to encourage and console.But, nonetheless, I found myself feeling inadequate.

Does this give more clarity?

Bunnie • Sep 8, 2020

I think shame is a natural emotion... like all others. We want to do our best and if we fail, one of the emotions attached to that is shame. In all honesty, I see nothing wrong with shame.
It becomes a problem when we either try to ignore or deny it, or if someone else exacerbates it for the purposes of causing emotional harm.
If you’re in a safe space with someone you trust, just allow yourself to feel it. So often we expend so much more energy on trying to not feel an uncomfortable emotion, than what it would take to simply feel it for a moment and allow it to pass on naturally.

Eliza Raine​(sub female) • Sep 8, 2020

Oh, I like this viewpoint, and I see truth in it! Herein lies one of my coping mechanisms....avoidance/distraction/hiding from uncomfortable things. I'm working on being more available to all the things that come up for me, but it's such a natural reaction for me after all the years of my life.

Uncomfortable feeling comes up (shame), must find way to avoid this happening again.

I love how simple "just let yourself feel the emotion" is. Thank you for your response!

LordofPain56 • Sep 9, 2020

the following was copy/pasted from an old profile that I no longer use. This is a portion that came out of the section titled "How girl will be treated":

"Master will never try to force her to do something that she is uncomfortable with, or that he believes she is incapable of doing, mentally or physically. In some cases she may want to do something, but is unsure of herself. If I detect this, I will be here to help her to achieve the goal and help build her confidence in herself."

LordofPain56 • Sep 9, 2020

I wanted to point out something else. I do not believe that "shame" is a worthy nor worthwhile feeling for anyone to have. It does no good to have shame. Guilt, however is a proper emotion to have because guilt for error or wrongdoing can be corrected at which time the guilt is erased and turns into victory when the subject tackles the same problem and succeeds without error.
But I believe that in your case, you should feel neither shame nor guilt, if you were given a task to complete, without having all the information required to complete the task correctly. It is not your error that caused failure here, it is the Dom, who neglected to arm you with the valuable information to succeed and along with that, the patience to teach and the ability to discern your full understanding of his instruction.
How dare YOU feel shame for his failure? How dare YOU feel responsibility for something you didn't know?
Okay, rant over.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Sep 9, 2020

Yes, this does clarify (for me), thanks. i like what Bunnie wrote. i agree that emotions are, that we can't really reason our way out of them, though i think it can help to understand them (sometimes). Even if shame is not coming from your Dom (as i wrongly inferred), it's coming from somewhere, maybe a standard that was 'nurtured' into us as a kid. i like Bunnie's Zen approach of just sort of breathing through it vs resistance or avoidance, both of which do not get rid of shame, they just distract us from it or hide it under something else?

To me, one of relationships greatest benefits is the reflective aspect where we can see and learn about our self, all the nooks and crannies, comfortable and uncomfortable.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 9, 2020

I give what I can as a Maso-Girl. I do not feel shame because I will enter into such an interaction only when I am "ready".

It's up to the Dom/Sadist to get the miles he/she can get out of me.

Be confident in one's role, enter into interactions on Your schedule not theirs.. and you'l never feel guilty.