When you think of a Dominant, do you assume they enjoy sadism?

When you think of a Dominant, do you assume they enjoy sadis

JulesZero​(dom male) • Sep 9, 2020

Why I changed from Dominant to Other.

I consider dominant and sadist separate aspects, but I wonder if the two are often considered the same.

I am not a sadist.
I do not derive joy in the pain, pretend or otherwise, of others.
If a sub would like light punishments, and she needed a spanking, then this is something I think could be mutually enjoyable.
I do not derive joy in degrading others.
The spitting in faces and other 'acts of contempt', I find particularly jarring, and remove anything sexual.
If a sub has hidden desires to a slut in the bedroom (for her dom), then getting to to say it aloud is not degrading - I consider this liberating.

As much as I enjoy taking charge in the bedroom, raising the levels of kink and getting immersed in each other,
I do not want to have to be 'in charge' all the time.
I'd actually be pleased for my sub to lead, I would learn something about her.
This doesn't make me Switch - I'm not going to be slipping on a gimp suit to please her


I enjoy being pampered, attention given to me, sexual or otherwise.
I do not consider it to be a 'sub' attribute.


My tenets of dominance
* Measured patience.
For example, if someone (Sub or otherwise) is out of line. I'll let it slide.
If it happens again, I'll take note and watch for a third time.
On the third time, you need to explain what is going on.
* Non-confrontational disagreement.
When others are wrong, which they are , to work with them to figure out why.
This actually takes both parts to participate, and when they don't, I just let it go.
It's the whole "You don't argue with children" thing.
* Plan
(This might just be life skill rather than an tenet of dominance)
Know where I'm going in life, and if not that, plan how to figure it out.
* Being Wrong
People apologize a lot when they should probably thank.
To say "I'm sorry" is very different to saying "You are quite right, thank you".
Typically people actually mean the latter, but say the former. This does both of you a dis-service.


Perhaps I've over-thought it, perhaps not.
I'm inclined to think that I'm simply not as Dominant as others, and perhaps that's it.
It might even be likely that I'm not 'typically qualified' to be in the BDSM community, but am here with my 'welcome guest' badge on.
(Which I wear proudly mind you - you are all great)

So, I didn't say all that for no reason, I wrote it as a prelude to a question, which I then put in the title.

When you think of a Dominant, do you assume they enjoy sadism?

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Sep 9, 2020

Nope, I don’t equate sadism with dominance. There are sadists who aren’t dominants and many dominants who aren’t sadists.

There is no catch all for this, every single person wants a different dynamic and a different type of partner and it’s just about finding a partner that gels with you and who you are as a dominant. Not everyone wants a relationship that is 24/7! You just have to find what works for you.

Literate Lycan​(dom male) • Sep 9, 2020

I would add, there is no definition to how you or anyone perceives their Dominance or submission. As is often said, “There is no true way”

As a Dominant, you can be a romantic, a Daddy, a sadist, a masochist, and a Vanilla all rolled in one. You can like Shibari or not. Maybe you’re just into D/s without any other shades. But Dominance isn’t linked to any one characteristic. You be you.

In the same vein as you, I wouldn’t say I’m a sadist at all; although I enjoy giving intense pleasure to my partner. And many masochists enjoy - truly enjoy - getting spanked or flogged - and that is where I see my pleasure would come from. Learning to give them to the degree that meets their need and puts them in the space they desire. So I wouldn’t see it as me giving pain so much as giving a different type of pleasure.

And in response to your question: No I wouldn’t assume a Dominant is a sadist any more than I would that they are a Daddy or a romantic.

JulesZero​(dom male) • Sep 9, 2020

Thank you both, good to hear.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2020

Not all but a fair number. Things like floggers, nipple clamps, even simple spanking or "rough handling" is still pain. People that don't identity as sadists or masochists don't escape the fact that they receive and inflict pain on some level. Be it emotional or physical. The two go hand in hand. Enhance and contrast each other when together.

When people talk about sadists and masochists they might assume it's JUST about pain. Or involves "extreme" pain involving knives and the like. While a number of S/M people fall into that area many also do not. There's REASONS for said pain. "Because I care. Because it gets you to do good things. Because you chose to act up and that has consequences but we can still have a good time. Because it's dark and twisted love you'd see in beauty and the beast." etc, etc.

There's also "mommy doms" and "daddies". They tend to be "soft" and "gentle". Some might inflict pain to their subs/slaves but it's more in the minority there. The winning argument (when you're a sub that needs this from a "gentle" dom) is that it's a GOOD thing to do to you if it's a want/need of yours. Add in a bit of "It gets me to do what you like too" and that tends to establish things.

Some doms also act entitled to obedience and good behaviour without making any effort to punish a sub/slave. Like good behaviour will happen by magic. I see that a lot with those that use the "goddess" label. Sorry, no, you're not a goddess to me just because you just say you are. Give me a reason to care, actually DO things with me and THEN I'll start looking up to you. You're not entitled anymore then I am.

Let's have a quick run down of why pain exists. It either comes from a source of controlled events (to produce/end up with a good result. Positive) or it comes from a source of fear (note that anger stems from fear. You may forget the emotion of fear but fear will always be the source). If fear is present with reasons known/made aware this circles back to control. If however people fear the worst too easily irrationally and project their bad past experiences onto others as if they know you when they don't... Think about it. People hurt themselves and blame "drama" (and thus others) because they create their own mistrust. Had an experience like that recently. Sometimes people listen and actually respond. Be more understanding. And sometimes people are grade A dicks that pretend their own fear is an excuse to see the worst of you. Often this is how people learn to enjoy conflict/tension. You go through shit, you make the best of it. Then you make it more fun from there. Eventually cutting out the sad/depressing parts and just enjoying things because you get others to open up with you (even in events of extreme hostility/abuse). Once you go through enough shit you turn around even the most tense and volatile situations (provided communication remains established). Pain and worse turning into fun. Learn how to adapt in the worst of moments or suffer needlessly. It's that simple. You may as well enjoy what you can. Perhaps a desire to stay on top of that ability is what drives some people to seek it out. To keep that control.

Life is pain. It has hardships. It can suck. But you also learn how to make the best of things and turn it into a game. At some point you find out you enjoy challenging each other. In a more "friendly" way. Sure, things can hurt, but with the right reasons that can be a good thing. Could be something as simple as biting your arm when you're dying in a computer game too many times (and I will add call of duty grenade spam on the hardest difficulty sucks). In that situation it's controlling yourself. The alternative might be flipping a chair/table over. Which is going to hurt less? So sometimes pain (and fear) can be used to even calm people, or otherwise help teach them how to remain calm in tense moments. "remaining calm" often leads to incentive/rewards. Good behaviour. Even vanilla relationships can benefit from keeping in mind that if you're calm when you hurt each other (or/and are afraid of the other person) things can go much better. D/s relationships where control is established has an advantage here.

And of course sometimes it's just fun to see someone squirm. But if you're going to make that happen (or put yourself in that situation) under no circumstances should you ever toss someone aside. Especially not in THAT moment. Be dark, be hostile, have fear and anger. That's fine. That can lead to positive events. But the reason aftercare is so desired is because only presence will ensure things end well. Because at least then you can see the pain (as well as any healing). Both for good and ill alike.

The biggest danger is people that push you aware far too easily. When they never bother to even mention their concerns or let you talk about how to handle tense situations better. There's "pain" that can be turned into fun, but this is more... negative? It always has a bad end result. It's that lack of presence (and neglect) that will make people feel powerless. A sub actually is in control as well as a dom. They do things. Make actions. etc. But if someone isn't even there then your pain isn't even seen. You're not even understood.

The trick is not to let any pain involved get in the way. If you're that dom pretending a sub can "just be good" without any discipline then that oversight is on them. If you're that sub that's too shy/afraid and can't even challenge a dom and as a result live in fear then that oversight is on them. This isn't just pain. It's depression.

But that can quickly be turned into fun. If you add fun in those moments. And that fun wouldn't exist at all without the pain, of which might have been been depressing once but is now more enjoyable because you cut out the depressing part. You see the "pattern" of how to put something like pain to positive and constructive use. You might know how to get a sub on their knees and get them to do what you want with "harsh reinforcement". Or you might be a sub that knows how to get a dom to engage with you. They want to be entertained but so do you. It would be a mistake to be so afraid of hurting a dom that you let yourself get neglected. It's reasons like this that remind us of how pain can be used for good. Hurt people if you have too. Or for shits and giggles. Make things happen. Then have a good time. Just keep in mind THEY need a good time if they're going to focus on you. Pain and harsh recommencement can be a good part of what gets a positive result. But it will mean nothing without incentive. Sex is good incentive. Other things too. If you know you get something good after being hurt (or while being hurt) then pain becomes more attractive and desired.

It's the same concept as punishment vs incentive. The former makes the later more meaningful. Be playful when there's pain (can even work with drama and abuse at times) and then enjoy the rewards. Or otherwise get another too. Depends which side of the fence you're on.

Just remember, you might not get the response you're looking for. You might not get the behaviour you expect. In which case make it happen. Obviously this is the role of a dom/owner for the most part. But sometimes a sub has to have a spine as well if they want things to happen. First it's just life. Then it's controlled events where you're being flirty with each other (at least I hope you're learning to enjoy those tense situations. Beats whining). Next thing you know you're getting laid or/and have that deep, understanding connection of each other.

JulesZero​(dom male) • Sep 9, 2020

Wow Taramafo.
That's quite a bit to unpack.
I appropriate the effort, and I'll be reading this a few times to digest it properly.

J

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2020

I used to think that way but I realize now it can be sensual and no pain at all. There are so many different kinds of doms that it does not have to be painful I would like to find a domme who will inflict a little pain no more than a stinging sensation but I would be open to other forms . That is only one aspect I would enjoy

Sasa​(dom female) • Sep 9, 2020

Most of us can be anything, but not for every sub and not at the same time. That's what a domme told me last week. I asked her for my own journey a similar question. Well, I think it should be fun most of the time for both sides of the slash. When you find your someone things could change after a couple of years. I slowly learn there are not many roles to follow, just examples of others. You can look how they handle it, take what you need for your own way and leave the rest with respect.

Sasa​(dom female) • Sep 9, 2020

In addition, also an advice I got and follow... Learn all the little funny techniques and think less (worry less would be better). You might need them one day. Don't be surprised in case you enjoy things your head said NO first or a month before.

ASensualDom • Sep 9, 2020

Other than *pleasurable pain* you know a spanking "that doesn't ACTUALLY cause swelling or actual hurt", NOPE. I get turned off immediately.
Also nothing extremely humiliating or degrading.