Possessiveness

Possessiveness

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 1, 2021

As a Dom, I understand the allure of the fantastic. I constantly work on my ability to portray character traits that I do not actually possess in my vanilla life (cruelty, tedium, sadism, authoritarianism, etc), especially with my extreme play partners. I engage in CNC, rapeplay, murderplay, and other role play that is certainly not who I am as a person.
I also do a good job with these portrayals. I have been doing them for a long time, they touch on interests and passions of mine, and I take them seriously.

With this being said, this thread is meant to focus on a particular character trait that I view in this same manner, but that I feel is more often taken as something that should be an actual mindset.
I understand the draw of possessiveness; being covered and aggressively claimed and defended. However, as previously stated, this is viewed as just another form of role play to me. Something that ends with the scene and I return to my normal happy-go-lucky, very non-possessive personality.

I am curious to hear from those who believe that legitimate possessiveness is a trait that is not only appealing, but worth the difficulties that accompany it. Those who view jealousy and the aggression attributed as something they want in a partner.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 1, 2021

I am especially curious about the practice of meeting a Dom, then at the command of that Dom, refraining from even speaking to other Doms or outright deleting your account.
At what point does this become indicative of how poor the self esteem of the Dom actually is?

ellefire​(sub female) • Mar 1, 2021

This is an interesting question. On the one hand, possessiveness in a Dom can make me feel wanted, which I need. And it can be useful to respond "You'll have to get permission from my Sir" if others are pestering. On the other hand, well, I'm a grown woman, I have friends, and if you don't trust me we have big problems.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 1, 2021

And, would this feeling be diminished if it turned out that the Dom was able to control that possessiveness and allow you to continue your interactions unhindered by an emotional need? Or, would that awareness make their desire to control your attentions seem too manufactured?

LordofPain56 • Mar 1, 2021

It has always been my view that people who are possessive as a trait, are actually insecure in themselves.
As a Dom, I always believed that if I had a possessive girl, it wouldn't matter to me, and I could deal with it in time and make her whole by building her self-confidence.
I believe that possessiveness is a separate issue from jealousy, but they can often go hand-in-hand in some people. In some folks, jealousy seems to be rooted in mis-trust rather than insecurity. But hey, I'm no psychiatrist.
Regardless, I believe that either of those issues can be worked out between Dom and sub prior to a relationship ensuing with proper communication and an agreed upon "covenant" between both parties.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 1, 2021

Agreed.
Though, I am more curious about the mentality and reasoning behind those who embrace legitimate possessiveness and jealousy as positive traits in a Dom.

ellefire​(sub female) • Mar 1, 2021

I don't think that possessiveness and jealousy per se are traits I want in a Dom, though a bit of caveman-style staking a claim does have some appeal. I think there's a line between feeling desired, knowing my Dom is looking out for me, feeling protected (even if I don't really need it) and feeling smothered or squashed. A lack of ANY possessiveness would feel dismissive to me, sort of a "do whatever you want, it doesn't matter" which would drive me away quickly. So I guess for me, at least, neither extreme is good.

Now, you mention play partners, and in that case I think it's different. I would still want to know I'm valued (who doesn't?!) but no possessiveness thank you very much. In a committed dynamic, I want something between possessive caveman and laissez-faire.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Mar 2, 2021

Ok here is my input. While I have rules of not talking to other Doms . It is only in a private sense. And i am allowed to reply to any new messages ( vai mail or bond) from any dom as i see fit. Mainly they are just new insta wannabes ass hat and I deal with them yet if they keep it up . WOLF then deals with them.

I do have a few Doms that I have permission to talk to privately. And I will say that I had asked for that because of this or that reason . And it is never because " oh I just want to" it's more because of something is going on and I know them thru their sub.

I dont see it as being possessive or jealousy . It is part of his way of looking out for me and at the same time knowing I can handle myself with asshats.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Mar 2, 2021

I do not know if I could view it without the qualifier of circuitous justification, but if it legitimately works for you, then that is as valid as any other approach.
Thank you for sharing.

MelMell​(dom female) • Mar 2, 2021

I consider myself a very jealous and possessive person. Jealousy comes from childhood issues while possessiveness comes from being an only child. I never fully learned to share at a young age and never had too many friends so I find myself very easily jealous or possessive towards certain people. I’m not totally sure as to why some people spark my possessive and jealous side and others just don’t. I don’t think either trait is good unless your partner likes it. I’ve had submissives with more slave tendencies that loved the idea of my darker emotions, of being locked away which is what my possessive side wants. A desire to control everything. Mine to look at, mine to touch, mine to hug, mine to kiss, mine to fuck. A strong desire for the other person to be fully mine heart, body and soul. Since I do deem these traits as negative, they can get very very dark and I will essentially stalk whoever causes these emotions. I will also mention the stalking to them. I’m a person with very little filter 🤷‍♀️ The only way to really handle my possessive side is by giving me access to everything that person has, phone, social media, keys to their house, access to family and friends(unless they are pretty much a loner like me and my current sub 🥰). I have found that I will not feel possessive towards someone I trust fully and has similar loner behavior and a “I got nothing to hide” attitude.
To answer the original inquiry... I don’t deal very well with jealous and possessive people and we end up going after each other’s throats. And I’ve only ever noticed the slaves in here wanting someone jealous and possessive as they only really want to be an object.