Non- Erotic Needs of a submissive

Non- Erotic Needs of a submissive

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 21, 2021

I'm diving in here to pick the Dominant brain. I've heard mention of Doms aiding in the personal improvement of their submissive. What might some of those areas be and what have you learned from this practise for yourself along the way?

Dominus eius​(dom male){LittleLott} • Apr 21, 2021

I use this as an opportunity to give my sub an excuse to be selfish and spend time on herself - for things that she would put off because life gets in the way.

So, she now spends time each week playing the piano - an activity she loves, but never got round to as there were always more important things to do....

This then also creates some mental space for her.

As for me - I get to listen to her playing

Aquilla{ • • •. [} • Apr 21, 2021

How much we could all improve with some more structure in our lives. I'm reminded of my experience in boot camp (long ago) where my life was almost totally structured by the military. What I ate, how I acted, everything. I was made to exercise, study, respect others and learn to be part of a team.
As a result I got leaner, stronger, more focused and learned to do things I didn't know I could do.
Now we live lives full of distraction, rarely taking the time to self-improve, to do the things we are passionate about. As a result we are anxious and depressed.
BDSM offers an opportunity to provide structure and gives permission for self care, (or else!).
Ultimately, as a D we are looking for someone to protect and care for.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 21, 2021

I'm word geek and am having hard time finding words. Reading this simply felt warm and happy.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 21, 2021

This makes sense. I can also see some of the challenges my Master faces with me. ( long distance) I am the sole provider for my kids, I also homeschool, and have pro se legsl obligations. Having read this I appreciate his patience much more.
Anxiety and depression I'd like to discuss farther sometime.

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 21, 2021

Pro se legal*

K y i v • Apr 21, 2021

Food for thought sage,
From Kink events like Folsom Fair, to educational improvement, to a move cross country for a better job. It is a joint effort and a lot depends on back and forth to best find the right path for her.

Nothing is off the table for a slave willing to trust and do the work. I can only guide...

SageFlame​(sub female) • Apr 21, 2021

Tis much food for thought Kiev! A D/s has been my focus from the get-go. The more my perspective broadens by hearing from others the more texture and color is added to the beauty of the dynamic.

I am grateful.

Trust is the key

Jack of all doms​(dom male) • Apr 22, 2021

My experience has been submissive are looking for two things: safety and leadership.

The former requires trust and the latter requires a Dom to take the time and effort to learn where their submissive wants to be lead.

Are they looking to be able to express their desire sexually? Are they looking to improve or develop a particular skill or ability? Do they need someone to keep them on track toward a particular goal like starting their own business or going back or school or making time for themselves?

You see nothing I've mentioned actually is about sex or the lifestyle per se. Being a Dom is about knowing your submissive as a person and not just as a sexually partner. Because most subs I have been with are looking for someone they can trust to be themselves without fear of being abandoned or ridiculed or taken advantage of by their Dom as they often have been in the past and not just sexually.

The sex part isn't the hardest part. The hardest part is developing that trust that will let a submissive feel comfortable enough to let you get to know them in ways that makes them vulnerable. This means that I have to be vulnerable and open first as I get to know them.

Once I get know them then I can provide the support and structure to help them reach their goals and a positive environment where they will feel safe and loved. It takes time and patience to do this and can't be rushed.

IowaDom​(dom male) • Apr 22, 2021

It really starts imho with the basic expectations and desires we expect from a dynamic. For me, After I get to know my sub fairly well, (and ONLY after I know her fairly well), I ask her if there are any areas of her life or herself she would specifically like to improve. I then ask her to journal on those areas, (I do require a sub to keep a daily diary of her path) . Once she feels she has done this to her best ability, we discuss if she would like me to assist her in developing or improving some or all of those areas.

If she wants my help (and some don't,, some only want encouragement) we pick an area, and devise a plan together that will start her on her journey to making the change. We also discuss the expectations, and ramifications is she does not follow the path we have laid out together. An example might be:

"I want to get into better shape physically" In that case, a first obvious step would be a doctor visit (always before anything like that!) for advice and testing to keep things safe, then we lay out a regiment that is doctor approved. As a potential plan it might be:


1. Help her get the equipment or a membership somewhere to provide the ability to make the change
2. Set out a agreed upon REALISTIC schedule, and list what would be acceptable reasons for missing a day
3. Set out the consequences for failing to adhere to it
4. Set out the positive goals for following it
5. Set out both short term and long term goals, and a general "overall prize" like maybe a vacation cruise or something for when she hits her goal.
6. Have her read to me from her diary on a daily basis, just the areas that involve the goal (her diary is her personal property, and as such, I respect he privacy with what is in it, unless of course she wants me to read it.
7. React appropriately to how she performs in her goal attainment
8. Help her with both positive and negative reinforcement on a regular basis