Poly and Protective

Poly and Protective

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 28, 2021

You can be poly and protective;you simply need to trust your partners.

You can be poly and value each of your partners much as any mono partner; you simply need to understand that time spent together is only one way to measure value (and the laziest way, in my opinion).

You can be poly and develop deep connections with each of your partners; you simply need to be emotionally mature enough to accept that you are not their only deep connection.

You can even be poly and jealous; you simply need to value your partners’ happiness and realize that sometimes an emotional response can only be controlled, not eradicated.

You can even be poly and love too much. It’s not a free-for-all, and sometimes a new partner is simply not in the cards. You simply have to be mature in how you handle your changing needs by communicating and working things through.

These are retorts to common arguments I see for requiring monogamy. There is nothing wrong with choosing monogamy because it is what you want. There is everything wrong with bullshit and, even indirectly, belittling someone else’s lifestyle for the sake of your self esteem.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Apr 28, 2021

MisterAshmodai​, "These are retorts to common arguments I see for requiring monogamy. There is nothing wrong with choosing monogamy because it is what you want. There is everything wrong with bullshit and, even indirectly, belittling someone else’s lifestyle for the sake of your self esteem."
.......................

I agree with everything you've said but rather than it coming down to one partner or many, for me, it comes down to being mature and responsive to the challenges your chosen path brings to you.

I was surprised to see this last part. It seems to me for the last 5 - 7 years the belittling went the other way around. If you were monogamous you were narrow and limited and too fragile or insecure to trust multiple partners.

I think life gets much easier when you know who you are and what you are capable of. I've seen people screw up the simplest of concepts and bastardize anything that justified their brokenness. It's tiresome really. The bottom line in life is always, if it works for you (and all involved) run with it.

We just don't all run in the same direction.

H*

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 28, 2021

The goal of this forum post is not to knock monogamy in any way. What you want is what you want and there is n nothing wrong with that.

My issue lies with the reasoning given by many here for requiring monogamy. They are not even outright saying there is anything wrong with non-monogamy. However, I have yet to see a poly (ENM) profile that gives any reason for practicing poly beyond ‘it is what I prefer’. I have read multiple profiles that require monogamy because ‘I am protective’ implying that a poly person is not protective of their partners. ‘I value my partners too much to be poly’ implies that I do not value my partners as much as a mono person because I have more than one. ‘I love too much’ implies that I have less love for those I am in relationships with because there are more than one.

My issue is not with either act. It is not even with making excuses instead of owning the reason you choose one over the other. Not everyone chooses monogamy because they have low self esteem and poor emotional maturity. Some are perfectly capable and simply choose to be mono. Not everyone who is ENM chooses to be so because they have difficulty committing or do not care as much about their partners.
Any argument that, even inadvertently, makes the other seem like an immoral choice is a problem and should be addressed.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Apr 28, 2021

I didn't say YOU were knocking monogamy. lol But I have had others come at me over it plenty. So I was surprised that you found the opposite.

And I don't know what ENM is.

In the end we all want what we want and those working off agendas they won't admit to, are really just fruit flies on the apple of life. Swap them! I promise, it feels sooooo good.

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 28, 2021

Sorry if I seem militant or overly touchy about it. It has hampered my search for new connections quite a bit.

ENM is just ethical non monogamy. I try not to lump it all into the poly camp.

It is sometimes overwhelming, the abundance of fruit flies. I do try to get the most out of good fruit when I find it.

OraclePollon​(sub female){NotYours} • Apr 28, 2021

This is lovely. If you choose anything for the right reasons, than it is truth.

Many people choose (or follow) for the wrong reasons, or get swept up in some ideal that is unrealistic and fantastical. These just affect people who are true to themselves. Go work on yourself before bringing people into the fray... then bring in as many as you want! 😁

MountaintopMaster • Apr 29, 2021

Indeed, it always seems to come down to the reasons why. There are "right" (healthy) reasons and there are "wrong" (unhealthy) reasons.

If you're failing to adequately maintain one relationship because of your own selfish or manipulative etc. behavior, and you want to start a new relationship as a "backup plan" or for whatever similar reason, then you're probably doing it wrong.

If you're starting relationship after relationship because you're just indecisive and want to avoid truly deep commitment to any one partner, while still reaping the short-term benefits of intimacy and support from each partner, then you're probably doing it wrong.

Oppositely, if you're trying to be exclusive with one partner just because you think that's the only way to achieve a meaningful level of intimacy, then it better really be working for you and satisfying your needs, because everybody is wired differently; you might never feel complete in a monogamous relationship, and you might wind up jumping from one partner (at a time) to the next, never being fully satisfied. Just ask yourself: is that a better way to live, in the long run, if you only ever have one partner at a time, but eventually always have to "move on" because something is missing?

I could go on and on with examples of "the right way and the wrong way", but honestly, the point is that we all have different life experiences, and life is too short to have toxic feelings towards someone else's lifestyle if it's working for them.

OK, one more, then I'm done. I totally roll my eyes when I see the wealthier crowd (I live near Newport Beach, CA) putting monogamy on such a high pedestal, when their "family unit" involves a maid, a nanny, and a bonkers income to pay the mortgage of their mansion and put as many kids as they want through college. When they say "eww, that's weird/creepy/unhealthy" about the triad or whatever it is that is all busting their asses to pitch in to pay rent and/or raise a family, ...I just want to vomit. But, now we're getting into classism and economics/politics, so, I'll shut up now and just hand out grains of salt to go with my bitter rant.

M.

Maybaby​(sub female) • Apr 29, 2021

When is being poly just an excuse for lying? When is poly really poly? If someone tells you they are poly but fail to mention a partner that has been a part of their life the same as you, as long as you but has been kept hidden from you, is that a poly relationship or is that a great excuse to use to cheat? I get poly relationships more now than ever before, i understand different people help meet different needs. But my understanding is that when poly and relationships are used in the same sentence, communication becomes key....to all parties involved. Am i out of line? Am i wrong for feeling lied to?

MisterAshmodai​(dom male) • Apr 29, 2021

If someone has multiple relationships that violate the consent of any of the relationships (I.e. the various partners are unaware of one another and this is not agreed to beforehand as the way things go), that is cheating. It is a big deal in the poly community because it is a violation of the very foundation of poly relationships, which is honesty and communication.
I have encountered ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ scenarios where partners are allowed to have other relationships, but do not want to know about or have anything to do with metamours (a partner’s partners). I don’t personally get this, but as long as the situation is consented to, it is their business. I personally prefer to know as much as I can about any of my metamours and I share everything with each of my partners.
You are not wrong to feel lied to when someone with another partner attempts something with you without divulging the existence of their other partners, but this is not an accepted practice in the ENM community.

FirmGentleman​(dom male) • Apr 30, 2021

We all do it differently. I put "N/A" on my profile because I'm not single, but I'm also not monogamous or polyamorous. I usually have 2-3 active subs in my life. I have 1 local that I have been with for 7 years, another that lives in Seattle that I see 2-3 times a year (she is free to do as she pleases when I am not around). And when I actively have a 3rd, she will be local as well and operates the same as sub #1. My local subs do not enter relationships with other people. My subs are USUALLY intimate with each other, and also intimate with other men if I set it up. Monogamous to me but not "Monogamous" sexually.

So it really depends on how you define monogamy. Cuckolds generally consider their relationship monogamous, because their wife only loves them, although she can have sex with other men. For most, I believe, poly is about relationships not sex. There's just so much middle ground, the definitions are overlapped. Most dictionaries will give the first definition of monogamy as "being married to one person." So someone can be married, but also having sex with someone else and still be "monogamous" by the truest definition. Swingers also consider themselves monogamous because they only LOVE one person, although they often swap partners for sex. "Gamos" is the actual root word of monogamy in Greek, and it means marriage.

I prefer the term FIDELITY over monogamy. Faithfulness. I require my subs to be faithful to me. They cannot seek loving relationships or sex outside of our relationship. Within our relationship, they will have many "partners."