red flags

red flags

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Nov 14, 2017

Hello all,

I am trying to come up with a list of red flags for a project I have in my mind. and would appreciate any help with coming up with this list . Online or RL doesn't matter but if you could list which it is to you or just say both. it would be a big help. thank you in advance for your help

Red flags

K y i v • Nov 14, 2017

Red Flags:

• Tries to separate you from your friends, family or BDSM community

• Avoids talking about personal details. Gets mad when you ask or quickly ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.

• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to. Gets angry when you ask for references or ask around about them.

• Is inconsistent with details about themselves. Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.

• Only communicates with you at strange hours and gets mad if you try to contact them at other times.

• Criticizes the BDSM community and refuses to participate, especially if they never were part of it.

• Consistently breaks promises. Always finds excuses for not meeting.

• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong. Does not take personal responsibility.

• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.

• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do. Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.

• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.

• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.

• Hides behind their D/s authority and says that their authority should not be questioned.

• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being good enough. Says that you are not a “True” sub.

• Loses control of their emotions in arguments and regresses to yelling, name-calling and blame.

• Puts you down in front of other people.

• Turns instantly on their friends, going from best friend to arch enemy at the drop of a hat.

• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.

• Goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.

• Lies or withholds information.

• Cheats on you or is overly jealous.

• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like. Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.

• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions. Belittles your ideas. Blames you for your hurt feelings.

• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.

• Is constantly asking for large amounts of money from you or others.

• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.

• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.

• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.

• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing. Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

• Never shows you their human side. Is emotionless. Hides their vulnerability behind their D/s role.

• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.

• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.

• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers and janitors.

• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.

Bunnie • Nov 15, 2017

Wow KievaMadRussian, awesome list... thank you for sharing this.

DrT​(dom male){NotLooking} • Nov 15, 2017

I wrote this years ago on Red Flags as part of a larger article - here https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=12755&postid=1587 Some comments below relate closely to that article context, but for here I have tweaked them to be broader in scope.

Redflags

There is a commonly used term in the lifestyle, ‘Red Flag’ to indicate or warn of an individual's specific current dangerous behaviour, dodgy past history or perhaps refer to an attitude about being checked out or vetted. Usually (though not always) those who seek to evade have something to hide at worst or have an ego so big nothing or no one is suited to check them out and how dare anyone think they need it. These types often believe they have a God given right to just be accepted and don’t recognise that other peoples comfort and security must be a priority that overrides any individuals entitlement issues to just be accepted. Frankly if they can’t see or accept the need for them to be vetted then, they are not – in my view – fit to be included/allowed to take part in any real life community where the well being of the members is foremost in importance.

Real life community leaders will also have a pretty good idea who is to be treated with a degree of caution or extreme caution, or has one or more permanent Red Flag status marks against them and as such, and while it’s not an easy position to be in, knowing such, they will and in my view have a community responsibility to be able to offer advice re whether you should get involved with someone or not. It should though be kept in mind that some community leaders also have red flags against their behaviours. Unfortunately in the lifestyle not everything is as straight forward as one would hope, like to think.

Reputation is everything in the lifestyle, hard won and easily lost, but before getting involved seriously with anyone whether part of a real life group/clearly defined community or outside off it (and I caution against this – it is potentially more dangerous) ask for references. If a sub, ask the dominant for contacts from previous subs if he won’t do it then walk on by and the same goes for dominants re subs, talk to previous dominants and masters. As I have said earlier on in this writing not everyone is who they claim to be and being/keeping safe is better than ending up seriously marked/hurt, raped, emotionally screwed up or lying on a morgue table and if you’re a dominant you may find yourself in a police station accused of all kinds of things because a newbie, ignorant or unstable sub, unsure/dishonest of her limits etc withdraws consent afterwards - because it was more than she thought it would be. Those who think that stories of murders within BDSM activity are myths should do a net search to see just how many folks over the years have fallen victim to those using the lifestyle to feed their non consensual violence.

Also keep in mind that just because you have sat beside someone at a munch (not all munches vet attendees) or at a training event does not necessarily mean that person is safe, sane or respects consent and the fact it can be withdrawn at anytime. Trust must be earned and taking your time to scope people out before getting involved is the common sense thing to do. Sadly many leap into things way too soon, and don’t take the time to research the person they have met and on the face of it see a compatibility re interests first before the person being safe, sound and ethical. Ask around, ask the elders of the group, the group owners (if it’s a formal real life group, even if its online) what they think of the person – any honest responsible, with nothing to hide dominant or submissive will not mind questions being asked, in fact they should not only expect you to do this but they should positively encourage it – if they don’t be worried and run.

If the community respect them, it will become clear pretty soon, but even the odd bad word should be examined and researched. I would strongly encourage looking into anyone’s history as much and as far as you can. Go talk to ex's and in doing so be prepared to separate emotional baggage from actual examples of dangerous activity. Check out their online activity fully, what they write etc and if any friendships end suddenly, especially if they come after a longish period of mutual status and wall activity (this applies to Fetlife), contact the person/persons involved and ask why things ended. People fall out all the time for fairly reasonable reasons but it’s worth finding out why just in case there was a case of stalking, obsession, unreasonable behaviour – if there is this in their past I personally feel it would be cause enough to be concerned, especially if there are a lot of examples of this.

In saying all the above the vetting system if done fully and well is better than nothing, but it must be born in mind that someone being a member of a group does not represent a golden stamp of permanent approval. Sadly re safety within the lifestyle often things are not as cut and dried as it would be the ideal so be aware constantly and question everything and don't be afraid to speak up if anyone leader, group owner or regular member acts in an inappropriate, pushy or dangerous way.

I have spoken above mostly about real world activity but harm can be fall those engaging in online activity as well, so it is very much worth while to treat the virtual world in the same way you would the real world. It's a sad reality that not everyone in a chat room, or at the end of a pm is who they claim to be, nor are the exploits they might claim/boast about either. In my opinion if considering getting involved with anyone in an online relationship I would perform exactly the same kind of checks as I suggest for real world activity. Keep in mind that just because you are not in the same room as someone that the activity you engage in might lead to mental damage or even physical if a dangerous/ignorant unethical individual requests you do certain things to your body, or requests certain mental disciplines.

Specific Red Flags.

...... see Kieva's post above.

Ari Wick​(dom female) • Nov 15, 2017

Jenks, I would add more but I feel both KievaMadRussian and DrT covered this topic in full. Well spoken. Thank you both.

Lucia​(sub female){not lookin} • Nov 15, 2017

Wow, thanks for this y'all. Great read and continues to confirm that this site is the most real and safe I have ever encountered.

So, I am brand new to the community, but I am serious and planning to stay. How do I go about building my reputation/letting others know that I am for real even without references? I am a very cautious person and I'll be checking people out for sure, but I can't offer them the same peace of mind yet.

Hawkeye • Nov 16, 2017

The reality is that 99.9% of these red flags apply not only to this lifestyle relationships but in fact apply to any and all relationships. Perhaps it’s due to my point of view, but to me, there is one red flag that is above all the rest. That is a persons inability to acknowledge red flags.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Nov 16, 2017

thank you everyone. I have gone through what was mentioned here and what I already had (as red flags to me). and Hawkeye I agree that not being able to acknowledge red flags is a hugh thing. but at the same time when someone is new to the Ls. they may not truely know what to watch out for.

Fyglia Wicked​(dom female) • Nov 20, 2017

Any Dom/me who is gender biased .
I myself see many hiding behind the Dom/me title as a way to take out thier anger on a gender .

Hawkeye • Nov 20, 2017

@wicked_fyglia
Not sure how or why you narrowed it down to gender bias but I would broaden that red flag to include anyone (including subs) that takes out their anger against anyone is a red flag.