Defeated :( Help me

Defeated :( Help me

Cocotitss​(sub female) • Oct 8, 2021

Hi guys, I’m not very very sad. I feel like there are so many fake Doms out there and people who are just looking to waste my time.

I came to this site to finally be able to explore what I felt I had to hide from myself for so long. There are plenty of nice people but the people who aren’t nice, really are not nice and it has been getting to me in my day to day life. I cry, and get irritable so quickly when a Dom mistreats me.

It’s hard to feel disconnected and not welcome in a community that has a huge part of my heart. I don’t want to give up but I also know that I cannot keep up like this.

I need help or advice. Are there better platforms, does it get better, ect.
Any other statements or comments welcome but please be kind I am quite fragile atm.

Thanks for reading, hearing me, and being here today ! -coco

CURIOUSBRIT{OWNED} • Oct 8, 2021

Hi Coco,

I have been where you are and can tell you it does getting better. I have meet some amazing doms on here and I am currently taken.

Please use this time to learn about yourself, what kind of dom you would like and what kind of dynamic you need.

I would suggest reaching out to other subs and make friends to share experiences.

Be patient!!+

Secret Mind​(dom male) • Oct 8, 2021

It gets better. But you also need to be the one who makes it better. We all hit this bump in the road and question if this lifestyle is really for us. We are right there with. So there's no need to feel alone.

EagerToPleaseYou​(sub female){Owned} • Oct 8, 2021

It does get better. I had several disappointing experiences before I found a good Dom. I can relate to the frustration.

Moonlighter​(dom male) • Oct 8, 2021

I just checked your profile, and you are very new here by comparison to other members. Now what I'm about to say sucks but bear with me;

It does appear that new profiles, especially new FEMALE profiles especially especially new FEMALE profiles who identify as SUBMISSIVE. Tend to be flooded with tens of messages a day every day for the first couple of weeks. (not my experience because I'm none of the above but I have seen people make mention of it before).

There is a good community here and it is worth sticking around, but you will have to weather the storm of insta doms that will assail you first.

p.s. it probably won't ever stop completely but it will drop to being more manageable

Cocotitss​(sub female) • Oct 8, 2021

Thank you so much that is very helpful.

CSI • Oct 8, 2021

From personal experience, I can say this is one of the or the very best platforms around. As you learn and grow, it does indeed get better. You just need to set some boundaries for yourself and follow them, rather than getting swept away by pretty words being said by the snakes in the grass. In the beginning, I set arbitrary ones like I won't call anyone by any honorifics until we enter into a dynamic, that vetting should take a minimum of six months, and that I won't sext or send nude or lewd pictures for a minimum of 3 months (and even then it has to be where there is consistent communication and their words and actions have to align).

Many people are here solely for sex and to get their rocks off. Many others are here because this is their way of life. You need to figure out what works best for you and what you need, want, and desire. There is no rush to get anywhere and I truly believe that what is meant for you will be there once you are ready for it. But committing to those that are trying to instantly dominate you or get you to do things you aren't comfortable with aren't actually dominants and is just asking for heartache and pain. I have definitely been there (and most of us submissives have). They are just users, posers, and the like. Chin up, there is so much more to explore and you are just getting started. Congratulations on the beautiful journey you have ahead.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 9, 2021

If you went into a big room filled with people.

Would you automatically assume everyone was there for the same reason as you?
Would you automatically assume that they were all nice people with nice motives?
Would you automatically assume everyone there was being honest about who they were and why they were there?
Would you automatically assume that one amazing person in that group could be found by you? Just-like-that?

Gosh, I hope not.

I suggest that it is easier to deal with the posers when you stop giving them more credit than they deserve.

I agree with those who said you have to learn more on your own and discover how you fit into all of this. So please do not let people swoop down on you and help you find a faster way to do this because there is none.

On every site out there, and I mean every single one, there are people who have no right or business to be there. You will find 20, 30, and 40 somethings on Ourtime.com. Non-Christians on Christian mingle. and so forth. You will find any variety of people on sites that they have no connection to. We here, and every other kink site, have the same problem. You aren't mistreated by Doms, You are mistreated by people and disreputable ones at that.

I suggest you get on fetlife.com and search local groups in your area. Find other younger women groups for support and learn from each other.

Women who will go through an entire mall looking for exactly what they want will take on the first person here who hits them up. We gotta be better shoppers and just as discerning here as we are in other areas of our lives.

If someone doesn't really know you and they write you gushing about how perfect you are stop assuming they are anything but interested in your newness and vulnerability.

What gets better here is your ability to kick those assholes to the curb at hello. Not after they hurt you. Like all things, it takes practice, patience, and a good instinctive gut to learn how to stop people from selling a cheap knockoff to what you are really looking for.

So you need to figure out just what that is. And you will be ok and get stronger over time.

I looked at your photos and you are very lovely. But I will ask you what I ask a lot of young women. What exactly are you advertising here? You don't have to answer me, but I am a big believer in holding back until someone is worthy of your gifts. Others will disagree, but if this isn't working for you, I suggest you rethink the entire profile and photos. You are attracting people. If they aren't the type you want, change the commercial.

H*

Banemus​(dom male) • Oct 9, 2021

I'm new here as well and I see this notion of "fake doms" pop up once in a while in conversations. What is considered a "fake dom" ?

Or is this a matter of subjectivity?

rosethorn​(sub female) • Oct 9, 2021

Stop allowing others to take advantage. Have an idea of some red flags to keep an eye out for. Self respect goes a long way if your expecting others to respect you.... one way i think of this is to think of myself as property of my Dom, (even though i don't have one yet) if he wouldn't be happy with what im doing then why am i doing it? And if he wouldn't be happy then its not likely i would attract him.

Part of that is putting boundaries in place and sticking to them.

If messages are 'hi im your Dom send me pics of x y z'
Tell them to go watch porn and block them.

Just because somebody treats you like that and send you messages that you might not be happy with, doesn't mean you have to sit there and take it you can block them.