Are people afraid of coming out of closet about their BDSM fantasies and why ?

Are people afraid of coming out of closet about their BDSM f

SpankMasterKS​(dom male){Searching} • Oct 13, 2021

I would like everyone to post their opinions on why this happens . I think the society plays a major part in this fear ....what do you think ?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 13, 2021

(Everyone I have spoken to living in India has made it clear that exercising this interest there real time is out of the question. So I am surprised you are asking this. Who exactly are you coming out to?

...................For those who do have real-time interests I will answers

We aren't all hiding per se. And coming out of the closet as you say is not always a sensible thing.

So what are the points that should demand we all show discretion in our interests?

--Much of what we do in this lifestyle is illegal in many states. Sodomy is still illegal in some southern states in the US.
--Consent gets you nowhere when things go wrong and your partner cannot speak for themselves. Many classes are offered as to what to do when/if the police come to your door.
--There is no such thing as a slave contract in the eyes of the law. Civil rights alter what constitutes rights or the right to enter into a contract.
--People in bad marriages dare not speak of their interests since it can and has cost them their marriages and parental rights.
--Others have lost their jobs. Probably more organizations than you know, have some form of morality clause in their employment terms.
--There still is and probably will always be a good amount of prejudice toward alternate lifestyles which is fuelled by those who are out and in everyone's face. We do have people into shock and awe and they hurt us all.
-You only think you know what you are risking. Someone I knew who was a successful business owner was walking into Hellfire in NYC some years ago. He happened to walk behind a celebrity also going into the club. The paparazzi were shooting the celebrity but caught them both in the shot and by the next morning, my friend was on the front page of the newspaper.

And all his employees had a copy on their desks when he came into work the next day. His authority was lost to them as they judged him for his actions and ultimately he had to close the business and start elsewhere.

All of these are real examples of things that I have seen happen to people.

So tell them anyway?

-We subscribe seriously to Safe Sane and Consent. People who have not consented to know how you like your ass spanked should not be told. Vanilla people have the right to consent to what they are exposed to as well as lifestylers do. It isn't funny or kicks and giggles to shove things into the face of others. I had a crossdresser show up at my vanilla munch in a family restaurant dressed as a french maid. He has given classes on how to shock the vanillas. Half my attendees got up and walked out. He put his pwn people at risk showing off.

-You cannot know what someone else is dealing with so you should always use good sense and not ego and bragging when sharing personal info such as this with others.

-And My fav...
it is no one's fucking business what I do privately or in my lifestyle where I am respected for my actions. Why involve them? I don't need their approval and I have no interest in getting in their face with this any more than I need them to know how I like to kiss or have sex.

One of the things that have suffered from the online world growing so fast is that people have lost the respect they should have for others and the personal pride they need to develop without others stroking their egos.

H*

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 13, 2021

Of all that, second from the bottom sums up--- the sum total of my take on this.

None of anyone's business what I do for "fun" at home after the lights go out and I have company.

* * * * *

Also worth mentioning, it's "awkward" or "TMI" when so-called "vanilla" people so much as refer to what they do in bed and for how long with their partners, and even worse if someone has the nerve to ask another about private matters. So why should BDSM couples, or groups, ( giggity) be any different, outside of things like munches or sites like this?

dollMaker​(dom male) • Oct 13, 2021

I know there is a scene, mostly underground in India, in the big cities, having seen a few documentaries about this.

BDSM is illegal in pretty much every country round the world, even with increasing media representation (most awful) and I know there are some BDSM themed series made in India, but suspect that BDSM is also illegal in India, so non kink/alternative society, world wide doesn't understand us, or want to, and in some places the attitude is hostile to say the least. Government seeks to protect us from ourselves, therefore setting themselves up to institutionally and legally know what's best, and therefore no one can consent to any physical harm within a sexual context, even with consent between those parties involved. In my part of the world marks on skin that are more than trifling and transitory are illegal and constitute assault. No one can consent to assault. There are a few places were blind eyes are turned, tolerance between consenting people considered but most, no. You can read more here - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM_and_the_law

Kink acceptance in wider society, if ever, is something that society has yet to seriously consider, LGBTQ+ people are still fighting and even dying to win their acceptance in the world, in some places gains hard fought are being lost and I suspect kink acceptance is very much on the long finger.

In most peoples minds, we are freaks, perverts and the other, much as LGBTQ+ people were, and in someplaces still are, and we are hated and many people are scared of us, they don't understand us, our choices, sexuality and lifestyles. This will vary from place to place, country and society, but coming out to friends and family is incredibly risky, as is being out and proud.

In many cases people outed have lost jobs and even had their family effected, so yes I think many people are afraid of coming out, or being outed. A few trusted friends know about me, but I was sure how they would react, but most people don't know about me and I have no intention of ever telling them, as its none of their business. I don't share or flaunt my sexuality, or my kink, and I am very much of the view that no one who has not consented should ever see or be involved in a kink scene.

As far as I am concerned its on a need to know basis, and only those I am involved with, or about to be involved with need to know. Its as simple as that, and discretion and privacy are sacred things in the kink lifestyle. Those who treat privacy and discretion casually are people I want no involvement with.

Berlin​(sub female){Collared} • Oct 13, 2021

For me I was raised in a very sexually restrictive household. Women are shamed if they are sexual and welcome bad things to happen to them if they are sexual. In a way, my experience with both vanilla and insta Dom men have solidified this thinking. Women must either be the Madonna or Whore but not both. In my adulthood, I’ve come to realize that isn’t true but in my mind, I still struggle with my sexuality. Fear of judgment. Of rejection because of my perverse needs. Shame because I’m trying to find sexual acceptance in removing my thinking from that mindset I was raised with. Sexuality is a large vulnerability to me. It’s a constant struggle between being conditioned of what sexuality should be like for women and what sexuality actually is for me to be happy. Having no experience in BDSM besides simple kinky incorporation into my bedroom and just jumping into my fantasies and exploring can be fearful. It’s a lot to make adjustments too and can be both terrifying and exciting.

House Talion​(dom male) • Oct 13, 2021

My family is too religious

Steellover​(sub male) • Oct 14, 2021

A LOT of good responses so far. I appreciate DollMaker's point that sexual repression is a very real thing in many parts of the world, and even here in the US, sexual freedoms are constantly under threat from certain political elements and cannot be taken for granted.

And Miki's point of being private about private sexual affairs is also valid- and totally understandable why people wouldn't want to be open about their intimate affairs- and I'm the same way. I wouldn't want to talk about even my more vanilla sexual fantasies in polite company- because it's usually considered impolite (or at best, crude "locker room talk" that public figures get in trouble for.)

But as for my, well, more extreme, BDSM-related fantasies, I have always felt a deep seated guilt and shame about them. The main reason being, the knowledge that these thoughts and fantasies will impair my ability to have a lasting, meaningful, and romantic relationship with another person. For example: If I were ever to say to my girlfriend: "Uh, baby, I've been thinking, would you be into tying me up, spanking me, taking me with a strap-on, and then calling me a 'worthless groveling man slut' while peeing on my face?..."
...Then chances are, she will probably immediately cease to be my girlfriend. And that's just how it is, at least for us guys with submissive tendencies and extreme kinks. While I may fantasize about "going there," the fact is, the chances are almost certain that my partner will not. And it isn't fair to her to ask her to do things she is clearly not comfortable doing. So yes, it does lead to feelings of personal guilt, and a need to keep these fantasies repressed.

Cressida Clytie​(masochist female){Taken} • Oct 14, 2021

Society
Beliefs
Religion
Upbringing
Preference
Family

No Body​(dom male) • Oct 14, 2021

I have been in and out of the life for over 20 years. In because I love it out because I have moved around so much it is hard to stay with someone long enough to get to know them well enough to be with them in or out. It seems I am needed in once place then have to move again when I get comfortable and meet people. Such is life but my oldest and dearest friends know about me and what I like and when 50 Shades came out I almost had to shut my phone off. Still some have tried it found a place and others think I am the devil but still call to ask me questions. Seems when your into BDSM your suppose to know about everything else that goes on.
NOTE this is just a few things I have had to deal with from vanilla friends and these are the answers not the questions.
No I do not know why that woman/girl winked at you. It could have been she liked the way you show off your tit or your long legs.
No I do not know why that guy bought you a drink could it have been the fact you where in a gay bar? Next time you go out check out where your going first. (that was the night it hit me how stupid some of the guys I use to hang around with where).
No I do not know why your son/daughter is gay? Maybe God found out about the side bitch and this is your punishment or and I think this is more likely God wanted your kid to grow up to be happy and well adjusted so he made them gay and nothing like you. (This is why I no longer go to any church).
Yes I have gay friends and no I will not introduce them to you now go back to your wife.
Yes I do have gay friends I am sure my ex wife would love to meet you and show you what your husband can't do for you.

Reading this I know understand why I was called king of the assholes.

Banemus​(dom male) • Oct 14, 2021

When I talk to people about basics like allowing a woman to cook for Me, their brains already short circuit. Or owning someone. Or for some reason they think being a Dominant person equals raping people.

I’ve already decided to keep it silent but it is difficult since it’s an intricate part of Me that it leaks out during My work. But I need to keep it silent because too much is at stake in My life.

So if I do try to find someone, either i do it anonymously or subs sense it in Me. Or this site.

The funny thing is though, the reason I have a lot of people around Me is because I behave like a Dom and they have no clue that is the actual reason they like being around Me. Go figure…