When your Dominant Can't be Strong Right Now?

When your Dominant Can't be Strong Right Now?

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Oct 31, 2021

I'm in need of some solid advice, please?

(I'm adding a TL;DR at the end for the short question)

Some background:
My Dom and I have been together for almost 3 years. We live approx an hour apart.
We try to see each other about once a month at the very least. We're both business owners with very busy schedules.
We are both over 40, averse to drama and have fulfilling lives outside of D/s.
(If you know the Enneagram, He is a 1 and I am a 9.
I say this to explain exactly what a stickler for rules and processes He is. It's His happy place, in many ways and it's something I love dearly about Him.
I, on the other hand have a vast inner life, and able to happily adjust to accommodate the needs of others and myself-both good and bad.)

I wrote previously how I was blindsided with Him taking sexual BDSM play off the table due to significant health issues.
Yesterday I learned that He is going through major life changes and challenges. He didn't share that previously.

(He finds sharing His thoughts challenging in general. It's been something we've been working on constantly and have had some improvement, but He is like a Fortress at the moment.)

He has disconnected from me emotionally. He confessed last night that He has disconnected from everyone. I was shocked at the extent of it.

I need to help Him, but I don't know how.

Asking Him didn't yield usable results.

I refuse to be selfish and focus on my needs but to say my insecurities have been triggered by the past few weeks' events is a complete understatement. My inclination is asking Him to help me manage them, but that didn't result in a good response either.

I don't feel I can demand things. It isn't our dynamic. Even without D/s. He balks if anyone tells Him what to do anyway. And I want to protect us. And our life that we're building and the future we have been planning. But at the moment it feels like we are losing that.

Now the TL;DR question.

How do i help my Dominant (50+) man, as a woman and His submissive? Both those are important. D/s to us is a must have.

How do I guide Him to seek help for what I fear may be depression?

How do I create and maintain even the slightest connection to stand a chance of protecting us?

How do I take the lead in preserving our relationship without inherently breaking our dynamic?
Should I take the lead in preserving our relationship? I want to. I want Him, and us.

Your considered advice is greatly appreciated.

m

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Oct 31, 2021

Firstly, I'm sending you all my best wished to both of you. Now...

There are a few things about your circumstances that concern me, primary among them is the fact that you have been together for 3 years and yet are having prolonged difficulty communicating. It is unlikely that he doesn't already know that you are concerned; that you would do anything to help him and protect your dynamic.
Also, your question about how can you "as a woman and His submissive" step up and do whatever is troubling. I know that oftentimes dynamics are founded on the idea that a Dom always has the last word, and a sub never questions it. But you are more than just the fundaments of your dynamic. You are also friends, committed partners, confidants, etc, and as such both have an investment in your relationship, BDSM or otherwise.

So I have some radical ideas. These are things I hope my sub would do for me:
1. Call RED on your dynamic for a minute (or whatever word you use) and have a conversation as equals. It's allowed. It's even healthy periodically. No demanding, no usurping, just two people talking about Their life together. Make your suggestions and express your concerns. They might just be the things that help most. Go back to GREEN afterward.

2. We do negotiations beforehand, we do aftercare, but what about the time in-between? Call it inter-care if you wish. If you can't make your opinions known to him - or don't feel as though you should - just be there for him during this time. After all, part of your "position" is to serve his needs, is it not?

3. Have someone who is not his submissive talk to him. Someone who he does not feel as a superior to. Surely after 3 years you have mutual friends, or are at least familiar with each other's, so go to one of them. You could be sneaky about it and tell them not to say they heard it from you, rather that they have noticed a change in him. In this case it's ok to do it that way, just don't make it a habit. For now the goal is to help him and preserve your relationship so you do what you have to.

Those are my answers to your questions. Yes, you should take steps, and here are some ways you can. The alternative is do nothing and just watch as things deteriorate.
However, be prepared for him not to be entirely receptive. He may be, maybe not, but be prepared for the possibility.

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Oct 31, 2021

Thank You for Your response.

It answered some really vital questions for me.

I realise our communication issues would be a concern. There is a legitimate reason for it.
We regress when there is stress and it continues to be where most of our work lies.
Also, our D/s relationship was what we started with. The rest, the lives sharing stuff only came much later, perhaps why my impulse is to revert to D/s first... It feels more solid. I can now that it is probably the wrong tack.

I understand the reason behind each of the pieces of advice and thank You kindly for that. It reinforces my own (somewhat frantic) thoughts and allows me a direction to start with.


m

BellaTrixxx​(sub female) • Oct 31, 2021

I wish you both the best and wish I had answers. It’s very difficult to see a strong man struggling and to be for whatever reason unable to help.

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 31, 2021

Without knowing the full nature of his major life challenges I can only comment generally.

(and that is as it should be. This is a private matter that shouldn't be on any public website, regardless of the underlying nature of a given website.)

Anyway, near the end you ask if you should take the lead, risk the dynamic, etc.. You should if you want to save the relationship, because these "challenges" have already comromised what you two have/had.

Written above a post says "call Red"-- I assume that's a "Time-Out" on the dynamic during which a couple speak as equals not dom and sub.. That's a very good idea. You're both human beings first, BDSM partners second (or less) That has to take precedence especially if these ;'challenges" involve a serious illness.

That's the best I can come up with as far as "advice" goes.

My wishes for best of luck and speedy recovery to you both.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Oct 31, 2021

Yes Miki, that was exactly what I meant by "call RED."
I could have been more specific.
I happy that you agree.

Defender​(dom male) • Oct 31, 2021

As a "strong male" who has been there - been through what your Dom is maybe going through, may I put another perspective?


He has withdrawn from "everyone" apparently.

This is good news. If he had withdrawn just from you, then you would have good reason to be worried about your relationship.

However, it isn't about you.

"Strong" men can occasionally withdraw. Sometimes it is because of life-pressure, sometimes it is a "time of life" thing, sometimes it is just "what they do".

It isn't planned.

It isn't targeting anybody.

And often they don't even realise - however often you tell them - what it is like for someone who cares for them.

Have you ever heard of Winston Churchill's "black dog". Few thinking men can be strong all the time. Or be responsible for life's "stuff" all the time.

Understand that he simply CANNOT explain it. He isn't being deliberately horrible. He may not even be able to explain it to himself.


What can you do?

If you really feel that it isn't about you, then persevere if you can.

Perhaps less emphasis on active doing.

Maybe passive doing is what you can do.

In short, just "be there" for him.

Not in his face. Not fussing. Trying not to show how much it is worrying you (difficult, I know).

Try not to be "another one of his problems".


Depending on the person, yes of course counselling could help. (But He needs to want to go).

But so might something as simple as space.

And time, and the occasional kiss and hug (and go - expect nothing back for a while).

He knows you are there.

He just cannot communicate like he used to, at the moment.


Only you will know if anything I've said relates.

Only you will know if you want to "be there" while this is happening.


It is quite possible that He will end up later being a happy and smiling 60-70 year old with "no worries". 😊

If that is the case, and he remembers you being steadfast by his side through his "black period", he will probably love you like something you havent experienced.


This is not "an answer" - merely a perspective.

I do wish you the very best of luck.

This thing is never easy.

x

Sir'smisty​(sub female) • Oct 31, 2021

@Miki
Yes, it has compromised us, but it is worth stepping up to make it possible to save.
Calling 'Red' also sits right in my chest. It feels like the right direction and I plan on doing that.

@Defender
Thank You for your response. What You said relates so so well.
I've been afraid that He thinks I don't want to be here while He takes the time He needs. I want to be here for Him. I've told Him I'm here, and decided I'm not going to keep saying it. Now I'll just show him.

I want to do whatever is in my power to be what and who He needs.

A while ago I read that it shouldn't always be difficult. The fun times must balance with the serious times. I've always been able to make Him laugh and tease. I was able to do it again today and I felt like I won the day.

Re: When your Dominant Can't be Strong Right Now?

Sasa​(dom female) • Oct 31, 2021

I believe our relationships have so many layers and only one is D/s. As far as I understood there is a person who needs help. Give him the space to open up in his own pace and be there as the friend you are and as the partner and the lover you are. Sit with him in the dark and just be there.

Again this is not about the dom he is, or "egodriven" or whatever you might hear. Be open, be patient, be there. Put yourself aside in case he is difficult. This is only about a human who has a hard time and he has feelings and is maybe scared of what will come. You know him best, you know what to do.

Master Maneesh​(dom male) • Jan 10, 2022

I am a Dominant who had to have major back surgery. I was left with no alternetive, but to trust My sub and slave to step up and cover My responsibilities. They are My family and even though it meant basic role reversal for all involved, it was something that had to be done or our lives as we knew it would no longer exist.

Once I began to heal and get better, I told both of them that we would all need to reconnect with our proper roles. It was a difficult thing to do, but without regret or failure, We made it. Since then we have dicussed the issue even further. They, both, saw it as a way of serving their Master. Being one step infront of what their Master's needs, wants, and desires. They did great. I am here to say, "Everyone should discuss this within their dynamic before it becomes a last minute desision that has to be made.

Master Maneesh