Virtual BDSM

Virtual BDSM

Blaire Hilton • Dec 27, 2017

Is it realistic to maintain/have a virtual BDSM relationship? How (as a female submissive) do I go about finding a dominant who is interested in this?

K y i v • Dec 27, 2017

In my 50 years experience---Short answer. No

That would be considered role-play and is in no way a real BDSM relationship.

It may work for some if you realize it is what it is.. a Fantasy.

Good enough for some.. yes.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 27, 2017

Actually yes. Many people get close online and it's no less "real" then the physical thing. And it is NOT a fantasy. I take offence to that. Only someone that is ignorant and doesn't know what they're talking about with no experience in the matter that hasn't experienced it would dare to claim that.

I myself have experienced it and continue to do so. It "can" be a fantasy but so can being a physical room and doing a "scene". If you "only" make IC posts with someone and don't talk about each other on a personal level then that would be more of a fantasy. Or the equivalent of only seeing someone at a bar or club.

However, it is quite possible to both talk about make posts on a personal level without it being a fantasy. The actions themselves might be in the realms of fantasy but the meaning behind the actions when done to each other can be very very real as well. Online might not have physical but it still carries the "context" of things.

Sometimes, in fact even oftentimes people end up moving into the physical after spending enough time together online. Though some are content with remaining online only. Which is not less meaningful then being together physically. People on the net are still exactly that. People. And you can get close or far apart in either area. I speak both from first and secondhand experience on this.

You got better odds if you can make posts (even short ones will suffice) and explore the more "online social" areas. Personal I'm in Furcadia, F-chat and Secondlife. Despite the focus on F-chat it's actually where I got close to someone. I did on Furcadia a long time ago (exes. Still on talking terms). And Secondlife "can" work out. If you can get serious enough with someone that isn't just "All about the online stuff only and not the real stuff about you". Maybe avoid people that "only" want to RP without even trying to get to know you.

Keep in mind that it won't be easy online. It's just like life. You got to "meet" someone and get to know them. It could take months, it could takes years. If you try Secondlife I recommend a sim (it's a place) known as PAC. Just search it. For Furcadia you got "the golden tether". F-list just pick your poison and see what works (despite the nature of the site people go on their to be social too). Should you start to feel like a "fantasy", which can happen, talk things out or/and find another that sees you as more "solid". But also be aware that it takes time for that.

Yea, it's not any simpler online. XD

Orpheus​(dom male) • Dec 28, 2017

Coming from the perspective of a dom male....Thinking back on a very positive relationship experience of mine, much of the time that my partner and I invested into our relationship...and the way we stayed in touch and “connected” when we were apart...was online - through a combination of private messages / pictures, and shared intimate thoughts and photos in a semi-public forum, etc. Having said that, we did meet IRL when we could, when apart she wore her pretty (discrete) collar in public, and we were almost always in touch. The relationship wasn’t “virtual’ in the true sense, but the experience leads me to see possibilities there.

Irezumi​(sub female) • Dec 29, 2017

The virtual world of BDSM, in my experience, can be a minefield. That said, it CAN work - IF you take it for what it is. I have a real life relationship with my Dom, and we both also have an online relationship with another woman, who is submissive to Him but equal to myself. Which is a whole different ballgame, being poly. I digress.....

Online, I look at it much the same as you would in real life. For me, it's VERY important to get into the MIND of my 'partner'. I have seen many who are strictly online, and it is very different to real life in that it's not possible to truly play out certain aspects. That said, it's no less 'real'. For me, personally, it's about the mental connection. The physical side of things with my Dom is amazing, of course, but even then it's our MENTAL connection which makes our D/s dynamic what it is. I know a M/s couple who have had an online relationship for 4 years. It fulfills what they both need, and it fits in with their real lives.

The thing I've seen with online over the last several years is that many 'claim' to be Dom or sub, yet have no basic understanding of what that truly means. So, as in real life, tread carefully when moving into a relationship with someone online. And remember that WORDS HAVE POWER. Research, research, research. Online OR real life. You cannot do enough research. And in the end, do what works for YOU. It can be what you make of it. And make sure you know what it is you are hoping to gain from it, because if you aren't going into things with a clear idea of what you hope to have, it will end badly. Just like any relationship, vanilla or BDSM.

Just my humble opinion.

Miki​(masochist female) • Dec 29, 2017

@Blaire When I first signed up in here, my inbox was "blown up" by a wide assortment of doms who wanted an online D/s adventure.

For me that simply won't work. What others find as a success is not necessarily a success for the next guy or girl. It's as individual as we are. All that aside, you'll have no trouble finding Doms who want an online D/s situation. The trouble will come in winnowing out the neanderthals. They will find you.

You will want to to read what they say, read between the lines of what they say and decide for yourself if Dom A Dom B or Dom Z (you'll get that many letters-of-interest!) --are into the same thing you're looking for, or something a bit more "short-term gratifying".

Hint: If they want, no, demand phone numbers, photos and all that crap right away, it may not be a good fit. Or maybe it will.. but in all cases, only time will tell and must be invested.

I am a professional woman in real life and while my pic is my avatar I bear in mind the caveat about larger photos, especially those in degrees of undress-- and to where they are sent.. There are many people I do not want knowing I'm a kinky, twisted bitch behind closed doors.

Pics, phone numbers, personal information-- Once they're out here, there here to stay.. and in my personal experience, they often don't stay where they were originally sent. That still applies even if the recipient is honorable. There are ways to intercept, hack and so-forth and to deny that reality because it's remote-- is not wise.

* * * *

As for the concept itself, for me it will not work. No exceptions, no exclusions, no debating.

Virtual and physical are not the same no matter how philosophical one tries to get about it.
You go out with someone and the sparks don't fly, you have to face them and call it a night.
If one moves in as a "house sub" and the situation simply goes south regardless of how long the couple has talked online and seem to mesh-- then the one who does the "moving in" is out on his or her ass with maybe a bus ticket.
The risk is greater in real life, and so can be the reward. if a digital dom doesn't tickle my fancy, or I don't tickle his pickle.. then we hang up. Case closed, good luck and of course as with online "Hey fella, I hardly blew ya."

Oh yeah, try as one might to be all-telling "transparent" online, there remains the ability to hide things that are less easy to conceal, over time, in real life.

Surely for some online works quite well, and my hat is off to them. In my opinion to which I am entitled as much as anyone else in here, virtual and real are not the same. Each has its own audience and it is simply a personal matter that is not open to debate. One has to do what works best for them or else they'll be miserable.

WickedLeo​(sadist male){F.E.A.R} • Dec 29, 2017

Here is my very simple response because i am at work lol...

But i believe online bdsm RP, Relationship, you name it are great for find the person that you most click with, it is safe, and you only have to give out as much information as you wish.. That being said, it wont last, eventually it needs to progress to being IRL, other wise it will being to fizzle, for example: submissive how long can you go without touching another online you do to yourself what your dom. Tells you he wishes you to do, if you can stay dedicated to that arrangement then fine, but what if you follow your dom. When online and have people around you, you physically serve????? Are you being loyal to the online dom Or honest??? Best if you eithet stop the online or commit to being with the online.... i think it is perfect for discoverying who you are and whom you wish to serve, but after that it has to become real...

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 30, 2017

Again, it is not less "real" online and I take offence that just because it's online it somehow has to translates into being dishonest. There are also people that would want to remain online and you put them down by pretending that it "has" to go into RL.

Me, personally, I'd want to go into RL eventually. But it is in no way less honest online. The none physical doesn't mean less then the physical. Wherever someone has just a online dom and has none or others IRL is another matter. Do I have one in each area and am being honest about it? If the answer is yes then what's the issue? Does it make me less loyal to either? Well loyalty itself isn't a simple affair. But if someone follows "online orders" and goes out of their way to be their for that person, dom or not, then I'd call that being loyal. If someone is "there" for an online and an offline dom with both knowing then I'd say they're loyal to both. If that person that follows online orders from an online dom also has another dom and both know about it then that's still being loyal and in no way has to subtract from each other. Heck, if an online dom sends you over a collar and makes an active effort to post with you when the physical dom might not want too then it can be argued that the online dom would be more "real" then the physical. Being "physical" isn't what makes things "real". It's "making the time and effort". Along with things like honesty. That's the core of any and every relationship. Online or off. And can be just as present (or if you're unlucky, absent) in both areas.

And online relationships DO last. Some won't of course but not every physical "friend" (or even partner) in real life is there forever. People meet people and they either keep in touch or move on. That happens in both areas. And in both you get a lot of not sticking around with some that do.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Dec 30, 2017

Quick translation in the "posting" part of my previous comment. An offline dom obviously won't make posts. In this case translate "posts" into "Making the time to do things together".

I also want to point out that "Online relationships" tend to happen a lot and people can "assume" they're less real. By which I mean someone they are physically with (Partner, mate, dom, etc) might be "magically ok" with it (and a lot are. But it's still a mistake to assume). A lot of people have "online only relationships" even when they have partners. In these cases I would encourage letting your physical partner know in the interest of honesty. As even something that doesn't start "real" online potentially can, wherever someone wants it too or not. At which point you'll need to figure out what to do or otherwise end up not knowing what to do in such a situation by not having been prepared for it (and let's get something clear here. Online and offline "people not yet met" don't have a "real" connection with you yet). Better to be prepared then to assume it can never happen, which can cause complications down the line should it happen. Speaking from experience on that account. Being unprepared leads to confusion. Relationships that involve confusion tend to lead to depression.

Even if you think to yourself "It'll never happen" at least be prepared for if it does. Not for your sake but the sake of someone you might end up caring about. Last thing anyone wants is to end up between three people that care about them and being confused not knowing what to do, which can hurt them as much as you. I found that out the hard way. Never thought that would happen, that's for sure.

TakenLower • Jan 9, 2018

This is simply a question of what do you both need. For some, that purely physical realm is enough, they don’t need or want a connection. For others, they need the physical to back up and validate their connection, and there are those that can not do without complete control on a daily basis (being controlled or controlling). I prefer a mixture. I’m not ready to give up parts of my life. However, if faced with the choice of physical “sessions”, no connection, I would choose a purely online type of thing. The connection is most important to me. Having experienced much of what I need physically, I can in many ways relive this mentally. It’s not my ideal, but in all honesty what is ever ideal. I need the duality, I have commitments to fulfill. I can’t say what I will need when I have more freedom, but as a whole I find online to be more fulfilling than just physically seeing someone once a week.