Are your fantasies holding you back?

Are your fantasies holding you back?

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Oct 19, 2022

This being a kink site, there is also a large FANTASY aspect to the way people think here. I've read so much that makes me wonder if folks are allowing fantastical thoughts to keep them from actually finding that special someone.

Are you seeking perfection?
Or have you convinced yourself that you just want someone to treat you right, but it's disguised as seeking that perfect person?

Does he/she have to be a certain height, make a certain amount of money, have a specified length of hair? Does she have to have the perfect set of boobies? Do his shoulders have to be so broad? Do her feet have to actually look perfect!? That last one was for me, of course.

I must say that I myself am guilty of fantasizing. It's human to do so. But I always pull myself back to reality. Logical, rational, and reasonable thinking keep me grounded. As much as I wanna fly, gravity will always bring me back to what's real.

Are you always trying to defy gravity? Living in your mind instead of in the world?

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Oct 19, 2022

I realized after reading your post that my profile probably comes across as seeking perfection, but I don't think I am. I think once someone starts having standards, you weed out the vast majority of the gene pool of people who either don't have them or don't understand the need to meet them.

I also think there's a woeful lack of individuality in this community of seekers. A lot of people think that being (insert label here) qualifies them to be someone's sub or dom or whatever. They don't seek to individuate themselves from everyone else. I've asked quite a few people to tell me something that sets them apart as an individual and what makes them unique compared to everyone else on here. I usually get the text equivalent of a blank stare or they tell me for the tenth time that they're interested in cooking, cycling, and watching movies.

I don't think it's asking for perfection that someone has standards and some form of individual uniqueness and wants the same in a partner. I want someone to read my profile and think, "Hell, yes!" I want them to see that I have standards and that I am a unique individual and be thrilled that they've found me at last.

Yes, that eliminates about 98% of the human race, but I see that as a good thing.

Bunnie • Oct 19, 2022

I thought I didn’t do this, because there were no real specific traits that I pinned to an ideal of a person as an individual, beyond certain characteristics that I admire and respect.

However, I’ve come to realise that it wasn’t the specific person I had created a fantasy around… it was the dynamic itself.
We would meet, it would be magical, everything would click. Yes, it would be hard work, but what isn’t right? (I’d say, whilst deep down knowing secretly that it was all still magical). My problems would melt away. He would just “get me.” Understand my mind, my fears, my worries… blah blah blah.
Basically… he wasn’t a person with his own necessity to be understood, life struggles, past or fears or worries.

What I had forgotten is the reality of two complete strangers trying to come together to choose to find a way to enmesh our lives based simply on the fact that we both thought the other was a bit alright. That is definitely a very quick slap back to reality. One that took a rather large slap for me to see through. Thank goodness He has lovely, big capable hands

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Oct 19, 2022

Bunnie, oh Bunnie...I really like what you said. Very insightful. I threw in certain features but you grabbed it...and took it where it needed to go.

A fantasy based on the dynamic!!! I didn't wanna spell it out. So you took it there. And for that...I salute you. You went outside that box and crushed it. Thank you.

Steellover​(sub male) • Oct 20, 2022

It is a common trap, to live in your own head way too much, especially if you are single and looking for the perfect dom(me) or sub. I find myself going there, and falling into that trap, too.

You cannot go into a relationship simply looking for someone to fulfill your fantasies. Especially if your fantasies are too far out there, extreme, or kinky. It's easy to forget this, and get to caught up in the fantasies that arouse your darkest and innermost fantasies, your ideal scenes, and so on.

Having compatible interests (Non kinky) is a start, as is compatible personalities.

Estaria​(sub female) • Oct 20, 2022

I'd say I obviously fantasize about the perfect meeting and the perfect person and fireworks happen and it's amazing and we walk off into the sunset.... but I'm in no way actually expecting that. Lol

I don't think I have unrealistic expectations, but then again sometimes I feel like I'm living in the wrong world or something. I just want someone who will fill my cup as I fill theirs. Loyalty, love, honesty, humor and the ability to handle a needy sub. It's hard to picture a certain person or situation for me. You just click with some people and don't with others. I like my person to be taller than me, physical attraction is important but personality makes it or breaks it for me. I mean, I'd be lying if I said money doesn't matter...I just want them to be able to take care of me. Nothing crazy, just live comfortably.

I think I've gotten to the age now where consistency, responsibility, the ability to just step up and be a real dom/daddy/man is sexier than any amount of money or broad shoulders. I'm too old for that noise. 🤣

Musetta​(sub female) • Oct 20, 2022

I love this topic. Especially as it’s one I’ve been thinking about as I get back into being open to a relationship. My virtual community is very discussion/relationship oriented, and I tend to stay within that bubble. It’s weird getting used to being shaken up by encountering peeps ‘in the wild’, so to speak. But good.
When it comes to fantasizing our way out of happiness…it’s not a big problem for me (though I run up against it plenty), but only because I’ve learned how to be honest with myself.
Fantasy is a way of living w/ the idea of someone, so we don’t have to deal w/ an actual someone. And there are all kinds of reasons for not wanting to to deal w/ real humans. At this stage, I get real w/ myself about feeling resistant, and then investigate the why’s.
For me, right now. I’m rusty. I’d forgotten what a roller coaster ride meeting people is. It’s uncomfy. Being able to say that to myself means I don’t have to make up Mr. Perfect-ly Unattainable. It’s just about processing my feelings about being out of my comfort zone.
Mostly I’m able to accept people as they are and let compatibility (or lack there of) decide what kind of place they have in my life

Steellover​(sub male) • Oct 21, 2022

I remember reading on some other forum, a question about how to discreetly be submissive or kinky in public.
One person mentioned how he would walk around wearing a butt plug, or women's panties, while either at work or out running errands. While others would wear a chastity cage around their cock.

The question came up in these cases, who are you submitting TO??
Who was the key holder of the guy wearing a chastity cage, for example? Sadly, and I'm not judging here- the answer was, nobody.
While they were submitting to their own desires rather than someone else's, is that really being submissive? And more importantly, is that healthy?
Or is it simply an act of someone resigned to living out their fantasies in a way that cannot be fulfilled any other way. I can relate; it would be nice to be commanded to wear such articles by your dominant, if you have one. Kind of hot, actually.
But if you don't have a domme, what happens when you meet someone you genuinely want to date, who doesn't understand or approve of such fetishes?

While I have never actually left the house physically wearing any "piece" locked to me or attached to me, there have been times where I have been "in my head" and imagined what it would be like.

Dom Pinnacle​(dom male) • Oct 21, 2022

A lot of great things I've read from everybody. It's hard not to fantasize. But I'd say everyone seems based in reality for the most part.

I often fantasize about her with red fingernails and toenails. A couple sexy toe rings as well. She's wearing red crotchless panties. No bra. Her complexion is caramel and her body shines from a cocoa butter and coconut oil blend. Full red lips. Dark curly hair that almost touches her ass. Big beautiful eyes. She's in the kitchen arranging flowers on the counter (red of course). I walk in and stand behind her. Whisper in her ear, "daddy missed his little red riding rose". She smiles seductively. Then I turn her around. Pick her up and set her ass on a plate. Her freshly shaved vajungle peeks at me. I lean her back, throw her legs on my shoulder and devour that sweet...

And that fantasy will stay exactly what is...A fantasy

Some things are just perfect in our minds. And that's where they belong.

RogerThat​(dom male) • Oct 22, 2022

This is where porn I find can be dangerous particular for new less experienced people in the lifestyle. People get this idea in there head this is exactly how scenes are suppose to go. Jumping straight in without good communication, clear limits and expectations. The interaction goes poorly and one or more of the parties are end up emotionally and/or physically scared from the scene. Do your research, talk to people in the lifestyle before starting anything. Get some real grounded advice before jumping in and enjoy.