Illness and bdsm

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 3, 2019

I always balk at the "no matter what" statement.


TBI-- traumatic brain injury

(Which is what I have )

Can lead to inappropriate behavior, impulse problems, sexually inappropriate behavior in public, personality changes, anger, violence ect....


If someone's partner is ill AND require around the clock care OR has significant changes in behavior and personality then sometimes it is BETTER FOR THEM to be with professionals that are better able to help them transition into the next parts of their life.


Ppl can go from kind, loving, and caring to abusive and hostile making the end product unhealthy for the both of you.



I have seen so much damage done to ppl who really need around clock care by well meaning but overly emotional spouses who cant see past their own guilt.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Jan 3, 2019

I would absolutely never leave, as long as my love still cared about our relationship too.

Growing up I had to help take care of my mother. She wasnt unable, but it was insanely hard for her to do some things. Out of 33 vertebrae, only 4 are not messed up. Fibro, degenerative disc disease, Ankylosing Spondylitis, herniated discs, I can go on...

It was not easy, having to watch as my mother was forced to use a cane. Then a Walker. Now a wheelchair. I had to help her in the bathroom, take 10 minutes to go down a small staircase if she wanted to leave the house. Be insanely careful wheeling her around because any minuscule bump, even if we didn't see it, made her hurt. I couldnt even /hug/ her for a while. As someone with a physical touch love language, that killed me.

My Stepfather only had 4 out of 11 years with her being in good health. He has spent the last 7 years caring for her. For 5 years in the middle of that, he had to also care for his mother, until she passed. His own mother kept telling him to leave my momma. "You shouldn't have to take care of her when shes only 45" she would say. People at his work would question why he puts up with her. Shes... gotten a really nasty side to her since this happened. I cant blame her, I know I'm bitchy when I'm in minor pain, shes in chronic, level 7+ pain every day of her life. They fought a lot at first when she was way more afraid and not knowing what to do - she was always in control and now, she had something she couldn't control.

His answer, every single time? "I love Her".

He refused to lose the love of his life because of something neither of them could control.

She was the only woman he ever thought about marrying, let alone doing it. He was the eternal bachelor til she came around. He hated kids, and yet fell madly in love with me and wanted nothing more than to help make sure I grew up well and happy and safe. She showed him what it meant to love.

If you truly love someone, you actively make the choice to love them, every day of your life. When they hurt you, you choose to forgive and continue to love. When you are given a "better option", you choose to pass it up because you love the one you have now. When they become injured, you choose to love them.

I'm pretty open with my mother. Even now, when everything hurts, the two of them have found a way to still be intimate. And when this was starting and she was afraid they never would do things again, I remember the episode she had, breaking down about/everything/, not just that. Scared he would leave. Scared she would force him away. Scared someone else would entice him. He gently grabbed her face to snap her back to reality, forced her to look at him (gently, as this was shortly after having her neck fused to stop some of the damage from getting worse...), and told her, he didnt give a crap if, from that moment on, he only got off by himself. He didnt care if they couldnt go on vacation somewhere, if they were stuck in NY for the rest of their life, if they never left the house... he loved /her/. Not her body, physicality, though that of course was nice, he loved her heart. Her depth of love and how much she cared for him and their relationship, how unconditional she was to him, was what he loved. Who she was as a person, faults and all.

Because of having to deal with my mother this way as a child, I've thought for years about how I would be in my Stepfather's shoes. And, as long as Wolfy doesnt give up on us, neither will I.

I will /never/ leave him because of illness. He would have to change so drastically that he is a terrible person, or he would have to stop caring for the relationship for me to give up as well.

We were vanilla our whole marriage, til the last few months. For almost our whole relationship so far. We could do it again.

Sex isnt everything, so... our sex life changing/ lessening, would suck, but not matter much.

And, for us, it's a lifestyle, not play, but 24/7 (not saying everyone else isnt. Just stating it haha). Because of that, we would still be BDSM. I would still make the decisions, keep the house running, ect. Sure, he might not be able to do the service part of things, but we would figure it out. My love wouldn't waiver because he couldnt handle a spanking or he couldnt make my tea in the morning.

If it were reversed I feel the BDSM side of things might be a little harder. But maybe not. Would prolly make it so he had to do the service side of things more often.

Love is a choice. And I made my choice when I said "Til Death Do Us Part". I meant it. As long as he still loves me, I will still love him.

Would it be easy? Probably not. But honestly, love is often difficult. It's not usually easy. We've definitely had to deal with some hard things already. Will things change? Of course. Does that mean I stop loving him? No. Even if I left, I might still love him. It would depend on how he handled everything if he got sick. As long as he still loved, then so would I.

And if I got sick, I would hope for the same. I wouldn't judge if he couldnt handle it, but, knowing him and the hundreds of deep conversations about this subject and about love in general that we have had, I feel like his response wouldn't be too far off from mine.

My thoughts dont work for everyone and I'm not at all judging, I hope it doesnt come across that way. But for me, I would not leave because it got harder, or because it wasnt "easy" anymore. I would adapt and we would move forward in love.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 3, 2019

@Dark Fox,

Those stories are so beautiful.
I applaud those that are able to stay.


I think, that for me, having seen so much medically, I am an advocate for ppl doing a legitimate self inventory.
AND
If staying in a situation like being a caregiver 24/7 breeds hostility and resentment. Then no one wins.


I find that this isnt about love.


Caregiver burnout comes quicker to those who love because they want to be "perfect" for their sick partner.



Staying isnt always an option.
It isn't about greener pastures.

A partner needing 24 hour care can be difficult to impossible for ppl working 2 jobs with 3 young kids.

It's easy to pass judgment on those that cant stay.


You had written " as long as he cares about the relationship to"

This is my point.


Illness like stroke, embolisms, TBI , severe depression, Parkinson's, can take away the ability to speak and/or change how they communicate long term.

When I talk about illness I'm not talking about the small stuff.

I'm talking about major life changing events that both change physical ability and personality for the long term.

I dont know if you remember Terri Schiavo.
I followed the case with deep intensity.
She had a stroke from an eating disorder at age 26. It left her a vegetable.
Her husband stopped everything, moved into his in laws basement, and went to nursing school to learn to care for her.
13 years later he finally came to the understanding that her brain damage was never going to change. He made the horrifically difficult decision to remove her feeding tube. After caring for her for 13 years he realized that she was going to spend the rest of her life as a vegetable.
That horror was not in the taking care of her it was in the reality of what her life had become.


He was villafied.


I think of him often.

It's never an easy thing.
It rarely has to do with how much a person loves someone. Or wanting an easy out.


In this situation- there are no winners.

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jan 3, 2019

I have been in this situation before, feel free to pass my contact details on if you want to .

rosethorn​(sub female) • Jan 3, 2019

Just to be clear, not the situation above, just in a difficult place health wise personally.

BeyondTheVision​(sub female) • Jan 3, 2019

I lost my Master to a chronic lung disease in 2011 after years of happiness. When he got to where he felt he could not take care of my needs, he released me.
This was beyond devestation to me and brings it back even now as I try to type this because all I wanted to do was to care for him. I was his slave, yet he would not allow it.
It has taken me years to recover from his death. Was he right to do what he did?
I still don’t know. In answer to the question posted. I think I would still choose staying.

Mistress Maree​(dom female){Non} • Jan 3, 2019

I am In exactly the same position, it’s a hard one isn’t it... I need to talk to my partner but scared to wreck what we have he’s my subby soulmate

Good luck with whatever you decide.

SirHanz​(dom male){Minx} • Jan 3, 2019

Somehow on this post it has morphed from me trying to help another dom.. to me having a sick partner.. so just to be clear..
Me: looking for advice to help another dom.

Not me: looking for advice because I have an ill partner.

Just want to help a local dom in a tough spot.

Thank you to everyone who replied. Your opinions help me to think of things from different angles.

Meg​(dom female){NotLooking} • Jan 3, 2019

I'm falling on the ill side of this spectrum. I have major depressive disorder. My current "episode" is working it's way into 2.5 years. I now have zero sex drive whatsoever. I do what I can for my partner, but as the domme, it's very hard, because when my libido left, it took my sexual creativity and imagination with it.

On top of that, I'm unable to work, as any pressure makes me feel worse, and I'm socially dead.

I don't know why he stays

Meg​(dom female){NotLooking} • Jan 4, 2019

I'm falling on the ill side of this spectrum. I have major depressive disorder. My current "episode" is working it's way into 2.5 years. On top of that, I have social anxiety, general anxiety, chronic neck pain, and chronic debilitating migraines. I now have zero sex drive whatsoever. I do what I can for my partner, but as the domme, it's very hard, because when my libido left, it took my sexual creativity and imagination with it.

On top of that, I'm unable to work, as any pressure triggers me. I have no social life, of my own anymore, and I find that, though I like his family and friends, it's hard for me to interact with them, because they naturally call back into their native language, which I do not understand, and am having difficulty learning, because of MDD's focus issues.

I don't know why he stays, because it's not like we had a gloriously great relationship before I became ill. I've had MDD on and off for 20 years. We have only been dating for 16 months. I was way more enthusiastic about being a domme when we met, but that's evaporated. I'm wearing off antidepressants (slowly, actually more slowly than my doctor said I could) because I can't stand the side-effects, so my emotional bleakness is getting heavier.

I've had two relationships break down because of this, so it's hard for me to trust when he says he will stay. I'm always scared he will leave, and I would never blame him not vilify him if he did, because I have a lot of issues, and he doesn't deserve to deal with that.