Apologies

Grey Eyes​(sub female){Owned} • Jul 6, 2020

I am a person who learned in my vanilla long term marriages to apologize for everything. It kept the relationships "calmer". Honestly I didn't even notice that I was doing it, because it became so automatic. No doubt, taking away the importance had I heard what I was saying so frequently. By that time I was just trying to tread water.

Enter stage right....my Dom who immediately noticed what I was saying and has helped me stop the automatic response. Now I say it when I really did do something to apologize for and not as an automatic response to take blame. Probably a 99% drop in frequency.

Sir Don​(dom male){Nt looking} • Jul 6, 2020

Apologize only for things that need it. If someone is always saying they are sorry, in my opinion it has no meaning anymore. Things happen that may warrant a apology ...

annabellestasia​(sub female) • Jul 6, 2020

I used to date someone who used to say... “I’m sorry you feel,” or “I’m sorry if what I said made you...” BE ACTUALLY SORRY! Lol. We didn’t date long. Lol.

Mr E​(dom male) • Jul 6, 2020

That is a maddening kop out when I hear that.

skyrich​(dom male){rottenbrat} • Jul 7, 2020

I have and do apologize for things which I have done, or failed to do which caused problems for other people. And, I sincerely mean it. I don't do "empty apologies". Having said that, if someone demands an apology from me, and I wasn't the cause -- I don't apologize -- it wouldn't be right to take responsibility nor blame for something not under my purview.

Now all of that aside.... subs, if we doms ever say or do something that can be interpreted two or more ways, and one of those ways made you feel bad, or offended.... WE MEANT THE OTHER WAY! Generally speaking, we don't intentionally offend, or insult you, unless we explicitly say so.

Whose feelings and actions do I own? Only my own.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Jul 7, 2020

I would venture that in some cases this can be a cop-out but realistically, and in my case , I use this when I am not responsible for how the person feels (which is all the time). I can't make anyone feel anything...... but if I cause offense I can apologize for the offense given. If I don't believe I did wrong and someone is upset, I will tell them "I'm sorry you feel....." just because I AM sorry that they are choosing the upset.

Cithaeria • Jul 7, 2020

“Sorry” is a verb not a noun. If you say sorry to someone, don’t repeat the offense. That is a genuine apology.
If you can’t be sure that you won’t repeat it, don’t give the other person hope of change by apologizing.
How many individuals here have heard, “I’m so sorry, I’ll never do it again!?!”
No one is perfect and there are many ways of apologizing.
It takes a lot of effort to exact real change in oneself (especially lifelong habits). Sometimes it’s good to just say “I value our relationship enough to work to improve things.” And then do the work!
Actions always speak louder than words.

Zenithir​(dom male) • Aug 15, 2020

Honestly it is not the way that has a problem. Apologizing or not apologizing each have merits and could be argued to be more virtuous. A lot of it boils down to you perspective of time, guilt, blame, and what apologies accomplish. Note everyone is on the same page, so I feel apologies can help people be part of the journey, that said, they are a touch superfluous as they are after the fact. What is more pertinent is what can be done to help, heal, and enrich, not necessarily apologize as this is a bit devoid of that activity and has more to do with how people style themselves and perceive than with what is truly going on and the feelings therein. If you cannot hear clearly, an apology might help you shift a system of thought which you use to acommodate for blocking your senses.

It actually reminds me of two zen parables and a quote:


A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his 
journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?”

The older monk looked at him and replied, “Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river, why are you still carrying her?”


--- zen 2
Once upon a time a man whose ax was missing suspected his neighbor's son.
The boy walked like a thief, looked like a thief, and spoke like a thief.
But the man found his ax while digging in the valley, and the next time he
saw his neighbor's son, the boy walked, looked and spoke like any other
child. -Lao-tzu, philosopher (6th century BCE)


--

Man and his deed are two distinct things. Whereas a good deed should call forth approbation, and a wicked deed disapprobation, the doer of the deed, whether good or wicked always deserves respect or pity as the case may be. -Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948)

**and just for fun since I was reading them

How strange that nature does not knock, and yet does not intrude! -Emily Dickinson, poet (1830-1886)

You can preach a better sermon with your life than with your lips. -Oliver Goldsmith, writer and physician (1730-1774)

pharisaical
PRONUNCIATION:
(far-uh-SAY-uh-kuhl)
MEANING:
adjective: Characterized by hypocritical self-righteousness; putting emphasis on strict observance of rituals unrelated to the spirit or meaning of the ceremony.
ETYMOLOGY:
After the Pharisees, a Jewish sect during 1 BCE - 1 CE, whose members were noted for strict observance of rites and rituals, and felt superior because of it. The word is derived via Latin and Greek from Aramaic prishayya, plural of prish (separated).

In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted. -Bertrand Russell, philosopher, mathematician, author, Nobel laureate (1872-1970)

I suppose finally, that all of my pets have never apologized to me nor do they need to. Apologies do not mark a person better nor nobler, forgiveness does, an apology is not a note of who or how a person is, it is a social grace. The forgiveness is what is within a person and what they carry, that is where the merit lies. My pets have forgiven me and I have forgiven them, I would be curious to know if those who are so adamant for or against apologies would have such strong exercise and opinions of forgiveness. The grace then is but a kindness at best, and not one to the person, but to their identity, to their ego, which is not disgraceful or bad, but simply so.

A bit of fragrance always clings to the hand that gives the rose. -Chinese proverb

Devotedsub​(sub female){His} • Aug 15, 2020

I agree with IowaDom.. But I also think you shouldn't apologize if you don't mean it. Apologizing means you accept the responsibility for what you've done. If you truly don't accept that responsibility and feel regret for what you've done, saying it is useless and has no meaning.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • Aug 15, 2020

Come on folks we all (allegedly) have a functioning brain along with a conscience!
If you take the last choc in your partners box of chicks
Or
Say something wrong /offensive/ rude
Or
Deliberately set out to hurt someone

The little light should come on if you do anything similar to these and an apology should follow !

What is the issue ? It’s owning up, taking responsibility, own your mistakes !
Choosing not to compounds your offence !!!

It’s not a hard word , come on all together !!!
SORRY