Intentional cruelty or ignorance?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 2, 2020

Thanks everyone for some great and reasonable responses. my mindset and emotional disposition have me usually defending the ghoster in one form or another, giving them a reason or excuse for their behavior that usually exposes an insecurity in me. i appreciate Sasa's point that "teachers come in all shapes" (even inadvertent).

i think it is also a good question: "Why the heck are you looking for love in such a short time?" i might rephrase it, "why the heck would one expect love in such a short time?" my response would be: "it's not reasonable." The search for (need for?) love, connection, connectedness is an emotional drive? Online is a game changer when it comes to 'love.' It has the potential for more instant gratification , and conversely, instant disappointment. A ghost doesn't feel is the other persons feelings and they do not have the other persons perspective. Feelings, and their effects, can be cumulative. I.e., the reality if that many online have not been looking for love for a short time, but maybe many years, maybe their whole life. i know that's not the implication of the original question, which strikes me as asking is it reasonable to expect insta love? And perhaps that is a valuable lesson from the inadvertent ghost teachers, to come to this process with our emotions in check. It occurs to me that the notion of insta love is just as immature as insta dom or insta sub....

Sasa​(dom female) • Aug 2, 2020

Love comes slow, it's a marathon. A crash is a sprint... it's about us, homones go crazy, we see what we want to see. There is a difference.

But I see the point, cause I'm talking about what I do with ghosts and all others about what a ghoster could have thought. I can't even read the mind of people I know a long time.

Yeah, it's stupid what these idiots do, hurtful, but purpose or not, there is no answer ... except mostly " they do it cause they can".

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 26, 2020

yes I feel it is like they got what they wanted and that is it I don't understand this unless there is a good reason but if ghosting happens they should at least give some closure to the relationship and not leave you hanging I have been ghosted by some and I do not know exactly why but i speculate it was because I stopped doing some of the things they asked they will say things like you are twisting my words and you must be stupid it is your fault and they do not take ownership of their part in the demise of the relationship

Sculpther​(dom male) • May 27, 2021

I have posted on the matter of ghosting before, my take on it is that most of the people who ghost are cowards, they eschew confrontations of any kind and while it might be the "proper" thing to do, very few have the guts to tell someone that it just does not seem to be working out.

There are narcissists who will only do what works for them, "to hell with you if you don't like it, you came looking for me." In general completely selfish and who could not care less who they leave in their wake.

Those are the ones who should have as their Profile opening line "Asshole at large, interact at your own risk."

The final version I find is the group that actually get a buzz out of hurting someone to the point of bewilderment. What happened? You let your guard down for a while and someone took advantage of you because they could and laughed about it afterward.

I have no use for anyone who can't say what they mean and mean what they say.

Bunnie • May 27, 2021

I wonder, is on-line ghosting not just an equivalent version of an off-line “white lie?”

Off-line awkward moment: “do these jeans make my ass look big?”
Response: “Oh no, definitely not... it accentuates your curves.”

On-line awkward moment: same as above in whatever context.
Response: Silence.

It may at first glance seem completely counter, however, both situations are based around someone being unwilling to speak truthfully, and choosing the “easy out.” In both scenarios the person is making themselves exempt from having to take responsibility, but no doubt telling themselves it’s the kindest choice.

On the other hand, my behaviour could easily be seen as ghosting. I’m the kind of person who will read a message from someone (anyone)... text message on my phone, message on here, anywhere... and I’ll think “ok, I don’t have time now to respond with the focus I want to give it, so I’ll come back to that when I get a chance.” Suddenly a week has passed and I realise I haven’t responded. I saw recently that this was attributed to ADHD. It wouldn’t surprise me to be honest. If I can catch a thought, it’s a good day. But as someone still relatively new to the on-line world, how I’m viewed in this world is not something I have a lot of awareness of. Watching that Catfish show with my housemate had us laughing hysterically, because by many standards of that show, I’m a Catfish. My on-line presence is something I’m not interested in spreading wide and far. This is simply not my world, and I’m ok with that. But it does mean that I don’t meet all of the “requirements” of what makes someone an “authentic on-line presence/personality” (which again, I’m also perfectly fine with lol).

Steellover​(sub male) • May 28, 2021

Nobody likes being ghosted. And when it's happened to me, I always wonder, "Well, what did I do wrong?" assuming that I did, in fact, make a mistake. The not knowing aspect of it is the hardest. I would rather my partner just be honest and say, "Well, you creeped me out/grossed me out when you said or did such and such, or you offended me when you said/did this or that." Or say, "I'm not ready for that level of commitment yet; you are moving way to fast, and that scared me off." Because that way, at least you can learn from your mistakes. I think, not everyone has the courage to get past the awkwardness and explain the reason for the rejection, though.

As for the question, "Do people hook up online planning from the get-go to eventually "ghost" their partner for the sheer malicious purpose of causing heartaches?" I don't really think that's how it works. There may be some small group of people who play that kind of game, but even if there is, I would think that if the chemistry is good enough, they may fall for the other person and abandon that plan, and meet a long term partner (who they may have originally intended simply to use and discard) that way. But I don't know.

With that said though...

There ARE plenty of scammers in the dating world, and it seems to be especially prevalent when it comes to males in the kink/fetish world. These are people (I don't want to say "Women" because in many cases they are probably male scammers who pretend online to be female) who will exchange e-mails with you, discuss "kinks" with you online, maybe even chat on the phone. But before agreeing to meet up in person you will get the inevitable "I need you to send me money for this or that or the other." And you can probably guess what happens next.

Sir Observing​(dom male) • May 28, 2021

in my opinion, there are a few options in ghosting

1.when people decide to use online as a way of connecting to others they need to create a profile. in the pursuit of making their profile they end up fantasising themselves up. They say things that in them they want to be true, in them they desire to be and in them the need to be chosen, wanted and needed so their profile becomes a distorted image of their true selves.
Then the wonderful happens and they attract connection, they play into the connection and the truth starts to become a real anxiety. "what if the person finds out that i am dominant but not confident" , "what if they find out i am 5 years older than i said." the distorted image starts break apart and instead of owning up to it, the anxiety makes them so ashamed or scared that the easiest course of self rescue is to blame the connection and runaway,

2. real life happens, you connect to someone chat for hours and hours, make a connection and you get your hopes up, it feels real, but for you or for the other person this connection is an escape from real life, from some awful shit going on in life and then all of a sudden real life kicks in and boom they are gone, you are left ghosted without knowing why, they are dealing with real shit in their struggling life. you are left to learn and deal with your hurt.

3. some people are just dickheads.