I'm a new Dom experienciencing a breakup. Help!!!

Theres a lot going on here but from what you said you are probably best to move one. That doesn't feel good but it is what you need to hear.

I'm very troubled by your use of the word 'abuse' true BDSM does not involve abuse. Did you have a safeword? Were you SSC or RACK or PRICK?

The abuse, real abuse from what you said caused her real physical AND emotional damage. She needs to heal and she'll heal on her timeline NOT YOURS.

I've only heard some of one side of what happened but I suspect you found each other. She wanted a DOM. You wanted a sub. And you rushed into a BDSM realtionship too quick and didn't build enough trust and communication.

You need lots of communication and much more trust in a BDSM realationship than a vanilla relationship. It looks like you didn't build on a solid foundation and your house collapsed when a storm came along.

I can tell from your post that you are hurting and that sucks. I've been there. A lot of us have been there. It hurts and I'm sure a lot of shoulda, coulda wouldas are going through your head.

I hope you are able to learn from this experience and take those lessons into your future relationships. You'll be a better man and a better Dom for it.

Welcome to Hell, Ricccardio. We hope you enjoy your stay.

https://youtu.be/vcmjDPDOk7c

I don't know if anything I'm about to say will actually be any "help." Or at least the kind you are looking for. But, it's all I have to offer.

Since it is most likely that you don't know me from Adam's son, I'll just preface by saying that in addition to studying relationships and sexuality in college once upon a time and embarking on two careers that called my sanity into question (as well as involving a great deal about learning control), I've also been involved in some flavor of BDSM for over three decades. Two and a half of that with my wife, my submissive, my slave, my little, my love, and my very best friend before she shuffled off to the next plane. (Without my permission, damn it!)

Depending on who you ask, I'm either a Master with DD tendencies or a Daddy Dom with Master tendencies. (And a rather vicious stripe of subtle Sadism underlying.)

***shrug*** Not looking to impress. My point is that this isn't my first rodeo. Not by a long stretch. Actually, I've been kicking my can down the side of this gravel road for quite a while now. And spent no little of that time picking gravel out of road rash, just like you are now.

First, I would just reiterate what Orgazmo said that there is a world of difference between "use" and "abuse." He's generally a pretty knowledgeable fellow, except when his sense of humor (that can make even me pause from time to time) gets the best of him. And he's right on point with this one.

The thing is... For some people, abuse is all they know. And, yeah. They equate it with love.

It sucks. It's not right. And you can break your heart trying to fix such a person and never get anywhere. Because in their mind, in their view of the world... their Johari's Window or Frame of Reference, if you don't abuse them, it is because you do not love them enough to.

Am I saying that you should abuse these people? Fuck no! I'm all about making sure needs are met within reason. But, there are limits. And this tromps the fuck all over mine.

And I say that as someone who, at one time, employed blade play that involved blooding for a masochist who needed it.

(Before my inbox explodes, no I will not do such again. Ever. It is beyond my physical capabilities to do so safely now, so look elsewhere if that's your thing.)

And, yes. I have been accused, time and again, of being "no kind of Dom!" by more than one hysterical submissive that I would not relent and give what she thought she wanted as I was tending to her needs.

As if they get to determine what I am. What I am to them? Sure. They are within their rights to say, "you are not my Dom." However, their right to swing their fist ends at the end of my nose. They don't have any more right to say that I am "not a Dom" than they would accede the right to someone else to say they are "not a sub."

Or you either for that matter.

Alright, so you say it's your first rodeo. And you got kicked in the teeth when the bull threw you.

It happens. And, it will happen again. No matter how experienced you get, if you have more than just one more submissive in your future, it will happen again. Hopefully not to this extreme where she says if you won't break bones, then you don't love her. But, it will happen.

I'm not going to tell you how you should Dom. Nor am I going to tell you what you should do with this relationship or any other.

There are just as many ways to practice BDSM as there are couples who practice it. The question is always going to be if your demons find a comfortable Hell to use as a playground in this one's soul. And if her/his Hell is fully actualized without being overly stretched by your demons' antics.

Or, as Johnny Cochran might say, "if the Hell doesn't fit, you must acquit."

***shrug***

I said I wasn't going to try to tell you how you should Dom... But, seeing as how it's your first attempt at winning your spurs... In my experiences, for it to work, I had to work it like this.

First, I had to see to it that her needs were met. Even when that meant that my needs, my wants, and her wants were not.

If her needs were met, then it was time to get mine met. Even when it meant that my wants and her wants might not be.

My wants came in after both of our needs were met. Even if that might leave her wants out.

Her wants were only taken into account if it didn't violate her needs, my needs, or my wants.

If she couldn't accept that... well, she might be someone else's submissive, but not mine.

And, in the case of someone that wanted her bones broken... No. That would be counter to her needs, my needs, and my wants.

***sigh***

I don't know, Ricccardio. I don't know what else I even could say. Much less if what I have said was any help or not.

At the end of the day, you have to be you, she has to be she, he has to be he, and I have to be me. Expecting anything to work that doesn't allow for that is, according to Einstein, the definition of insanity in my experiences.

So long as everybody involved gives consent. You. Your submissive. Any potential onlookers.

I used to try to push safety, but figured out that only two things are infinite; the cosmos and human will to be stupid. And I'm not sure about the former. So, now I just don't play if I think anyone's safety is in question. What they do when I'm not there... I just shake my head and roll on.

Sanity... We're all bughouse nuts in our own way. So, what use is sanity when we're all fuckin' crazy in our own individual way?

But, any row you need to hoe, here's to bountiful crops for your day.

And may the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a more beautiful tomorrow.

Wow, tuff and complicated situation, i am sorry.


i'd suggest couple counseling. There are so many angles here, i believe it would be impossible to give specific input without a good overview of and from both of you. i know, it would take a pretty specialized counselor, but i'm sure they exist. Google is our friend lol. You seem open to input and counsel, if she is too, why not seek out a professional counselor to help mediate and wend through this? Objectivity of a third party trained (and professionally licensed) in counsel can help if both are looking for honest answers.

That said, i have some thoughts and feelings based on what you've written that may or may not help?

Do you both have a working, agreed upon, definition of "abuse?"
Do you both have a working, agreed upon, definition of "love?"

i may be misunderstanding you, but when you say (a couple of times): "I don't care about the past... I am not concerned with her past," what i see/feel (and wonder if she doesn't feel similarly) is "I don't care... I'm not concerned." i suspect you are meaning to convey something different, but suggest something may get lost in translation? It seems to me that she does care and is concerned about her past, that it influences who she is today, so to not care or be concerned may be seen as not caring or being concerned about her?

At the times she said you were "...not being dominant." Did you ask her to explain? Did she tell you specifically what she means by dominant? Does she know what You mean by "dominant?" Maybe they don't align? i think a lot of the failure of relationships comes from incompatibility. She may say, feel and think You are "not being dominant," and that may be conflicting for You because, hey, You are being You and You know You are Dom, but who You are and who she is may not fit?