High Pedestal and Expectations?

Global Goddess​(sadist female) • Aug 25, 2020

Great response @pigforgoddess! I like that perspective a lot and totally agree.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 25, 2020

I expect... fear. Mainly yours. On the one hand you're worrying too much.

On the other hand if you made this thread then it's clear answers are lacking. Which means your communication (or theirs) is lacking.

I personally can "lead" a conversation. Get into the wants/needs talks easily enough. etc.

As for expectations, just try to take things easy and don't be negative. Don't act like you can't enjoy something without having given it a chance. Don't project past fears and concerns onto the present and future. Except... I expect people to fear the worst at times. It can be an issue. But logic is logic and context is key.

At it's heart being a "dom" is all about being in control. A sub should also know that (if only to keep the dom safe). What we all want, and what we all expect, is to have fun together while also being realistic. Have things fair and look after each other while working out any obstacles. Don't ever assume you're not right for someone without having ever asked them. That's assumption. Simply lead and direct events and see if they follow your lead. Do they always do what you tell them or otherwise imply? Are they doing that even at the expense of their needs? If someone "backchats" you it's probably something you did. Or didn't do. You too will have your moments where you get snappy at others.

It makes more sense once you realise we all have much in common. We still have our difference of course, but focus on being clear with each other first and foremost. Subs by nature tend to struggle with leading (for example. With strong and clear communication). Now this can seem like it's "extra pressure" on you to get very very good at that and get the details and facts from people ASAP. Which is kind of true at first.

On the other hand life is life and the more things are left unresolved the more drama it can cause. In handling and dealing with situations I've come to learn you can turn any event around into fun, even the most unpleasant ones. This will happen regardless of wherever one is a dom, a sub or neither.

The simple fact of the matter is this. We all have to tell/instruct others to get the ball rolling. That doesn't mean being demanding, it simply means some people let their irrational fear stop them even trying and some actually put events into action. You're naturally not a mind reader which means getting your partner to be open and clear. The stigma of taboos and other topics can cause people to stall and hesitate. But if you treat the "scary topic" casually like it's something you talk about every day and maintain the none judgemental stance they're open up more easily. Especially if you provide examples of context.

Sometimes it's better to just state/say things like "Get on the bed. I just whooped your ass in this game." If a stranger has been playful with you in a conversation it could lead to a threesome. It's all about being upfront with what you say and just being confident and not letting the fear of a bad impression hold you back. In my experience, it's in stalling and hesitating that we give bad impressions more. And if people get the wrong idea, one of two things happened. Either they assumed or I wasn't clear enough. But if I never messed up I'd never learn. I used to be an introvert (still am technically) but these days I can go "Let's talk about this, let's do that even if it's a taboo. But here's context about how/why we might enjoy it". Which is especially helpful to them if they're struggling to be upfront with someone else. It's more "personality types" then "being a snowflake". Both exist, but the later always ties in with the former.

As for why people are drawn to you, hmm... Can it be that others are seeing what you do not? But if it's there, it's there. There are reasons for why. However, I know nothing of your past events and struggles and so I can not even begin to formulate any kind of guess, let alone an accurate observation on the matter. The general pattern is basically "Go through shit. Learn how to control events around you or let yourself (and others) suffer". So, if people are drawn to you, perhaps they feel "safer" around you. If you're quick to be playful or strike up a conversation or/and respond then that's something a lot of people struggle with. Which means you're showing you're more capable if you do that better. And the truth is some people are better at it then others.

The question then is what can those subs that are drawn to you do for you? And did you give them a genuine chance before assuming things can't work? This will depend on your ability to be clear on that account as much as theirs. But if one is better at that then the other, then by that logic whoever is the better one at leading a conversation can get the other to engage in it. A sub could be better at one thing but a dom gets to make the decisions. Just makes sure you "tell". Be confident in your orders and instructing. Two simple words of "Do tell" can get someone to reveal an interesting story.

Global Goddess​(sadist female) • Aug 25, 2020

Thanks for the insight! Not sure about the part where you said as a sub you expect fear from the Domme? But there were a lot of good points to consider.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Aug 27, 2020

It can be easy to fear the worst. Some people struggle with it more then others. You mentioned "What do they expect from me" which might indicate you have a fear of obligations.

You also mentioned that you might not be a good fit for the subs. But did you ask and find out? Have discussions about how things can work or not?

If anything is to be feared it's a lack of communication.

Beyond that fear being that person that closes ears and turns your back too easily, acting like you know when you don't. No one wants to be that person but it can be an easy trap to fall into. Often it is those that worry about mistrust that end up creating mistrust. "Fear itself".

That actually gets me thinking. The fear of trust is why people become mistrustful. Which only serves to further fuel mistrust. Hmm...

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 27, 2020

Trust and knowledge dominance is an attitude and it comes from confidence. The the clothes do not matter you could wear street clothes and you could still dominate if you are confident. If you have anything that makes you feel confident whether it is wearing a certain outfit or music or whatever it is use it . The fine line is to be dominant and not domineering. Also if you have questions on how to get more experience with certain toys just ask any Domme here they can give you some great advice.

A woman deserves a place upon a pedestal and permanently so.

Johnny slave sub​(sub male){I'd most w} • Aug 27, 2020

In many mainstream typical relationships, one could be forward, honest, fun loving, caring and aggressive. The other could be honest, passionate, reverent, romantic and passive. They get along really well together and are loving. They both love the quality traits within each other. They love the entire person and know their relationship is real. Yet notice, neither one is dominant or submissive. The relationship works, because it's real...not pretensive.
It is grounded in the reality that although neither one of them are in charge. ..they both find happiness in each other...as total persons. It's not based on sex alone, it's not based on fantasy, but real life.
Now...take 2 with similar quality traits, but the woman is dominant, the man is submissive. The relationship will work...if it's real and not pretensive, not based on fantasy or sex alone...if both find themselves happy together, as the total person's they are.
Being submissive, yes...I do need a woman to lead, to be the primary decision maker, to assume control, to form and mold me into a better me, more adoring of her, more humble, more obedient and more servile to her ways and say so. Then too, I firmly believe that women are Superior to men. So, I do look up to women. Do understand, in today's culture, within the mainstream. ..many women do indeed see men as head of household. .as Superior and that has generally been true for centuries. Many women want equality in a relationship and that is accepted as natural. I believe the supremacy of women is just as natural. On one hand, a woman should hold a place above men...as upon a pedestal, but a man shouldn't see her as only dominant, but as the full...the complete woman she is.
Ok...she is Superior, she is dominant, she is in control, but she remains always...the most unique, strong, wise, and feminine woman. She will make mistakes, she'll have fears, doubts, hard times, bouts of insecurity, her own weaknesses. She will be joyful, fun loving, confident, not so confident as well, sometimes sad, sometimes tearful, etc...
At one point, she can have her man humbly crawling before her, to kneel in her presence as she sets a new rule or set of protocols for him to obey. The next moment she could be asking him for feedback or advice on a matter. Fully knowing that she can ask for opinions, though knowing she'd have the final word. The next moment, they could be walking hand in hand along a path or attending a musical production or sharing a romantic dinner together. A dominant Woman is always STILL a woman. A woman with wants, needs and interests that are very vanilla and common. She is all woman, who knows that she isn't always perfect, but she'll never fall off the pedestal in the eyes of a man, who adores her for all that she is, and not just her control, nor for sexual reasons alone, because after all. ..all sex is primarily for the joy and pleasures of the woman. When an where. How often, how long etc....
All up to her. Her male. ..who knows and is taught his place beneath her....may see imperfections, but treats her always as though she were perfect. He'll at least strive to do so. Will he always be obedient. No...but through the love and authority of the woman, she holds the right to correct him, thus improving the male who belongs to her.
Have the confidence in your own self...knowing that you ARE in charge, but that you are not fully defined by your dominant trait, but as the complete and individual woman you are. I'm proud of your inner courage to have the concerns you have, but as woman. ...it doesn't come down to how your man wants you to be..,it's being how YOU want to be. Yes, you rule over and train your male...but he holds no real right, but to adore you as the total woman you are.

Global Goddess​(sadist female) • Aug 27, 2020

So many helpful answers! Thanks so much for your input everyone!

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Aug 27, 2020

Love this question, i think it is very thoughtful. i also think just asking it can help weed out some of the less serious or 'just looking for sex' situations?

i think some make the same mistake with pedestals as with any other need/desire and resulting expectation. A rule gets made and we start expecting conformity to the rule instead of words being used to describe a reality.

i've experience feeling adoration for a Dom, but it was not a contiguous state. He knew how to trigger the response, but it was not a 24/7 thing. In a way, it was something He could learn to control with understanding.

It seems to me that you do not want to be on a pedestal 24/7 and that every thing has it's place and time?

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Aug 27, 2020

when you are placing an ad on a site or paper for like minded people you have to sell yourself make yourself standout to the person you desire a relationship with whether you are a dom you want to present the best qualities you think make you more attractive whether it is your prowess with whips and chains or selling the idea that you are the one true dom for anyone to have . As a sub you want to show that you are either worthy of training or are as skilled as a sub as they want also a sub must be of some use to the dom they are trying to get to know. whether you are a ms or mr fix it that might put you over the top Doms and Dommes have their own criteria but if you show them there is a practical usefulness it makes you human and not just a sub who comes on and says I am a sub I will do whatever you want sexually in other words no instasubs true dominants do not want doormats so if you present yourself that way you will probably have more scammers looking you up to be their slave. Any kind of dating requires people be themselves and discovering what each other is all about

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 15, 2020

Depends on the woman.

Depends on the man too (or/and other gender here).

Too many people act entitled instead of leading by example properly. Imagine a bad king/ruler that runs their country into the ground that's a tyrant. Some female doms act that way.