This ones for my fellow submissives...

shortylotus​(dom female) • Sep 14, 2020

If its not the right time....you can't force it
If it is the right time...you can't stop it

Everything you do now is like creating an oil painting, and when you're finished the right person will appreciate your work.

forgedbyfire • Sep 14, 2020

Sweet sister, try not to be disheartened by the amount of time that has passed. Instead, think about the incredible journey you've undertaken. In this year, you have evolved. You are undoubtedly more discerning now than when you first stepped onto the scene. Don't be discouraged. Just as you are searching for Him, He is searching for you.

annabellestasia​(sub female) • Sep 14, 2020

I love you guys so much, thank you all for the replies and honesty! These messages give me hope AND a wake up call all at once... It’s hard online because that initial chemistry isn’t always there in the same way as real life - so its natural to start by looking for clues as to whether they are the right one.

Bunnie • Sep 14, 2020

@ annabellestasia,

“Did you compromise on your list of wants or did you wait & find the reward upon doing so?”

Currently, I am waiting to meet the Master who ticked one of my major boxes... but who even to this day ticks few of my little ones. In a lot of ways we’re not very similar at all. I used to believe we weren’t really very compatible, and many, many times have wondered if that was a problem.

What I have learned is that I was always seeking someone comfortable and familiar and easy. “Safe.” Predictable. In a way it still allowed me control because I was playing within waters I knew. Of course there’s nothing wrong with that, except now I have come to understand that for me that’s not where growth lies. By always seeking the same “type” of people, there was no real challenge (on a core level) because I didn’t need to shift my perspective... I was merely finding those who agreed with me. There were no surprises because the other person thought the same as me. I love having people like that in my life as friends. We have amazing in-depth discussion and conversation, and of course they help me grow... however, more often than not we’re simply repeating what we already know. So ultimately... I see now, I wasn’t really even submitting as much as I desire to... not in my own space.

Choosing to follow this Man was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, because he didn’t tick my boxes. We don’t intellectualise everything together. Something else has occurred. He has shown me a world I didn’t know existed... and never would have known existed had I not chosen to trust him enough to give it a go (we had been friends for about a year beforehand). He has guided me in a way that has truly challenged everything about me and taught me to grow in ways I could not have perceived. I cannot lead this path. I cannot predict this path. He has truly taught me how to trust his lead. And we’re still only at the beginning. Regardless of where things go for us, he has changed my life path.
I have come to learn that we’re not compatible in the sense of how I originally saw compatibility... rather than being the same... we are so very different that we compliment each other perfectly. Yin and Yang.
The comfort for me in the beginning was that our values and morals are quite aligned. As things have progressed I have begun to recognise “other” compatibility’s (in a more general sense) that are there that only He saw originally. He just kept asking me to trust that He saw them. I trust Him... and now I’m seeing them too. They were simply deeper than I could see in the early stages. This is new for me. I have to admit that now I can’t imagine living any other way.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 15, 2020

I beg to differ. If people only ever stick with what they know, they're not prepared for what they don't know. At some point life will toss them in the deep end. It's that desperation for control that causes people to stick with what they know. Except when the time comes they're in a situation they don't know they're no longer in control. Pants down. Unprepared. Shit hits the fan.

People often want what is easy. "Someone like them."

Failing to consider that a mirror might see to EVERY want and need if you just reach out to them.

Got into an online roleplay with someone lately. Thought they'd only tick a FEW boxes. But they're really ticking off every single one. As a result I feel like "Me" is something I can be. All it took was them asking "Does this dark stuff sound like you'd be into" with a "That's right up my alley". Blam. They're starting things. I'm rolling with it. Having a blast ever since. Same logic applies to people physically as well. Just express an interest if you're interested, answer the questions and see if they initiate something. If not try initiating yourself. Best case scenario, it heads somewhere quickly. Worst case scenario, they stop things before giving it a chance at which point communication is needed. Actually worst case scenario is they end up ghosting you. But whatever the outcome at least you tried.

All it needs is an open mind and a none judgemental approach to situations. This includes situations that often get looked down on, feared, or/and otherwise are considered "fucked up". Likewise those "good" and "moral" situations can cause a lot of damage/harm. Context is key. And context of situations one hasn't been personally involved in is something not enough people genially consider. They're either too comfortable with what they already know, or too afraid after being brainwashed into fearing the worst. Or otherwise suffered a bad experience in the past. Which is not the present that has a change of context.

Being so afraid of the unknown that you make excuses to not consider it makes you soft and weak. Calling it as I see it. If the only way forward is to accept that and break before growing stronger then that's the path to victory. Accept your own flaws to improve.

Long story short, it's the unknown that needs to be explored. Not what is known. You can still take star trek into space and keep what you know. But it explores the unknown. Dr who travels all over the place too. But he always tries to understand. Only through understanding will there be peace. Only through peace will their be happiness. Only with control will this be obtained. Even if involves breaking to get there. Pretty fun when you know what you're doing. Depressing when you don't.

I find the trick to it all is making the best of the worst. Whatever the situation.

MissSpice​(sub female) • Sep 19, 2020

Hi!

This is a great topic and I think a lot of us submissives struggle about and think about. I've been researching and interested in BDSM/DDlg/etc. since I was 12 years old but I've only been legal for two years so I'm just now really getting into the community. So that's my disclaimer, I'm new to actually being on a site like this and have not been able to talk with many genuine Doms or submissives yet.

But anyways, on to your question. You are absolutely not being unrealistic or naive. As submissives, we need to realize our value and not lower our wants and expectations. The right one will come along. It's so hard to just wait but I think you're doing everything right by talking with people and learning as much as you can. That's what I've been doing. You are a wonderful individual with all your own unique characteristics, talents and more. Your perfect Dom is out there and you will find them eventually. Wait for that undeniable chemistry. I truly believe it will be worth the wait because when you find that person, all the waiting won't matter anymore. Keep talking to people until nothing feels missing with them.

For me personally, what I've been recently doing is just researching about being a submissive and figuring out what exactly that list of wants is for me. submissiveguide.com has a lot of great articles and lists. I've even started a submissive journal to explore my own mind and keep lists of my own. I want a Dom of my own, so while I wait I'm just going to use the time to explore myself as a submissive and mentally prepare myself for that Dominant-submissive relationship once I find it.

I hope this helps or at least lets you know that you're not alone. Much love and support to you!

-MissSpice

emeX​(sub male) • Sep 20, 2020

"am I being entirely unrealistic and naive to believe that to give away my gift of submission, for the first time, I should hold out and wait for the undeniable chemistry thats arguably pretty impossible to come by on here?"

Time is the enemy. You will soon wither like the beautiful rose that once was. As you learn to accept this, you will learn to compromise. Otherwise live alone, die alone.

"Did you compromise on your list of wants or did you wait & find the reward upon doing so?"

"wants" vs needs. you'll find there is clutter in the former.

I relate to this

Redamancy • Sep 21, 2020

I was first introduced to BDSM through books. Erotic books are full of hot, steamy love sick fantasy that every sub wants. Since this was my first introduction, that of course is what has always been stuck in my mind; despite developing an actual understanding of the real world of BDSM. I think there is a level of expectation that should be met, but there should also be room allotted for growth. Its so hard because we want someone who just 'knows" what we want, but that never happens.

shortylotus​(dom female) • Sep 21, 2020

I have brought up this analogy before but for me it hold validation. Its like finding a pair of shoes. You find the perfect shoes they are exactly what you want color and style except they are a 7.5 and you wear an 8. You can buy them, and even wear them with perfect outfit. Unfortunately at the end of the night no matter how great they look your feet will pay the price. Sometimes we need to wait and find what we really need.. not just what we see and want.

MariGold • Sep 21, 2020

Not sure if you’re looking for a dynamic only or a full relationship but the latter doesn’t come easy anyways, add a kinky dynamic to that and it gets even harder. I do belueve that I don’t have to compromise on the big things. Don’t rush into anything, take your time!