Is it ok to be married and have a D/s relationship?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 22, 2020

@Kajiasubm: You clearly see only the worst and have overlooked the fact people get into relationships like that successfully. completely biased comment. All you did is go "It's like this" with no facts or evidence to back up your claims.

@DjDom: Poly can be a confusing topic. I am poly I suppose but I don't like talking about "poly". It can be very varied and people have their own sub labels and poly itself and even "relationship" or "marriage" or even "friend" can be a safe label to hide behind. It can hurt when someone goes "I like you like a friend" then goes fucking ANOTHER friend for a week when they don't give you the time of day. Oof.

Going to get a bit in depth and it's largely based on my own experience but also observations with others. Try to read between the lines.

Instead of talking about the labels I talk about what exists before you're in a relationship. Think about it. You're in a relationship the MOMENT you even talk to someone. You're affecting each other. Here. Now. And right now I'm saying my happiness matters too. For better and for worse. As does yours. "Being there. Looking after each other. Making each other happy." It can happen VERY easily. Or, if someone is too fixated on just one person while not making time for a second, it can lead to disaster.

Some people get caught up too easily. Make excuses to be lazy and difficult (bad past experiences can especially fuel projection onto current company which fuels irrational fear). If that happens at the start of a new relationship then that relationship will suffer due to concerns remaining unaddressed unless said action is taken sooner. For context it doesn't have to take half a year before finding out you can have fun once you make it about someone. It could have been DAYS. Or sooner. "I got looked after. Then you had fun." It's when people hold back with each other that they put each other in danger. In a word, neglect. No safe labels. No excuses. Take action. Make it about each other. It's not as bad as people fear. It doesn't have to come at a present persons expense. On another note once someones fears are proven unfounded when they finally LET you do that it's a perfect opportunity to ask them if they wanted it to take that long. They tend to say no.

If person A already got a majority of time and effort recently and you keep falling asleep with person B (this actually happened with my recently) then it seems only FAIR that the time and effort is made for person B. Otherwise person A hogs ALL the time/attention. Which is unfair. One solution could be "Swapping time". Instead of seeing person A when you normally do let person B have that time slot. Keep swapping on a daily bases (day to day?) as needed. Just one example. It's a matter of "rotation". Making sure everyone involved gets a "turn". Fairly. consistently.

When you're in an already existing relationship you're already in a "habit". A routine. some people make it a habit to involve others easily. Other people struggle more because they're so caught up with their current partner (or/and others) already. If someone gets caught up and distracted that easily it could even threaten the currently existing relationship (And I have seen this happen). All it takes is one bad argument, then you're letting yourself get distracted by others. And risk not putting in effort for your partner. It's that "lazy/feeling like it first" habit that puts people in danger. Because those people fail to CREATE a good mood and get the ball rolling. It's always the starting that's the hard part for many people (which, frankly, is their own failure and inadequacy). Though for me (and others), it's much easier due to having done it so many times already in so many situations. "Worry less, do more". Only way forward. Getting others to do it with you is the trick.

Once you know what to look out for it's a lot easier to balance things. Just got to keep things fair even through hard times (I can not stress this enough). Technical details and such but it boils down to that. Worry about the rest once you go "How to make it fair". THEN worry about the how. But start with "being there" first and foremost. Don't go running off to another person just because there's a speed bump. In other words don't use "other partner here" as an excuse to neglect the second person. Even if they're a "friend". Frankly, that would make you a shit friend. Let alone a shit partner. If they're the ones being shit, don't stoop to their level. Just don't stretch yourself too thin between too many people at once. Personally I'd rather have very close company of a tiny group that's fully loyal and there in all things then a social circle of people that in all likelihood won't actually be there when push comes to shove.

Regardless of habits consider "fair". Rotate. Person A. Person B. Person A. Person B. Not A A A then B or B B B then A.

Some people will be able to handle less or require more. But always start with balance between the two. Then scale in whatever direction is needed to adapt and adjust. It's important to CHOOSE it and try to make it happen instead of waiting to "feel like it". Feelings change for the better after action is taken provided it's wanted. Give it a week or two and see how things go from there. Also known as a trial period. Think of it as a week "test run" living together to see how things go (also works online. Make time for each other to do things like roleplay. People move in physically successfully if the time is made).

I'm also pointing out that BDSM has this thing about cuckholding which often gets lumped with cheating. I honestly think many people get confused and desire happiness with another person and assume it HAS to be done through cheating at times. Other people is one thing. Behind backs with lies and secrets is another. Simply remain honest and upfront in all things and it makes things go smoother. At least when you're in someones face about being with someone else you're letting them know and are making them aware. They will find out later somehow. They always do. Cheating itself is also a misunderstood topic (impulse. People not actually saying they won't see others in relationships. Assumptions of "having to be mono". etc). But that's another matter.

I actually had a major clusterfuck the first time I was between multiple people (not planned. Just "happened"). Went bad. But because of that I know how to make things go good now. Those that fixate on the worst and only avoid (like Kakirasubm) give in to fear of the situation. But that's more likely down to ones own inability to control, manage and handle such situations. They're clearly nowhere ready for such an event. But DjDom seems more observant and aware of how situations (this one as well as others) can be controlled in a healthy way. Even if they struggle with overcoming their fears/concerns.

And finally, if someone has needs that I struggle with it always helps to go "I'd want someone to see to your other needs". Doesn''t mean we can't enjoy what we have. And of course I will try with those needs myself as well. If someone has a need to be both a dom AND a sub then they require both a dom and a sub. Which is a dynamic that does work before anyone starts. I'm actually good at both sides of the fence myself. But personally I lean much more towards sub. Could see myself with a play mate though.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Sep 22, 2020

This is a very refreshing discussion

I have a poly heart. I am no longer in a poly relationship. Situations changed, expectations changed and I called it off after 8ish years, he <the "extra"> decided he wanted more from me and wanted me to leave my wonderful submissive partner and father of my children of 23 years! SOOOOO not happening!

Funny how the world turns, I do believe the couple Bunnie is talking above, was the very same woman that inspired me to take the poly plunge and helped me to clear the landmines. she taught me: Responsible Poly takes a inordinate work load, emotional stability, internal and external honesty, and self-awareness. If your planning a poly lifestyle, make sure you have a support team behind you! System checks are often needed!

will I return to poly? 32 books in my bookcase tell me it's something I long for. Every book leaves me elated, yet every experience leaves me almost crushed. Yet I still believe in happy ever afters.....I will still get on that rollercoaster.
Two decades of multiple attempts tell me it's not off the charts. I do believe to make it work, you need to trust that the "others" have also done the hard yards..often that isnt as true as you'd love to believe!
Yet I’m tired.
For now I’m so tired.

DrWakko • Sep 22, 2020

Any dynamic can work if all parties put in the work and effort to make it happen. And can work also applies to realizing that a dynamic won't work. One of the most taxing parts in a relationship is opening it up to something new. That something new could be a kink/fetish, could be a lifestyle like D/s or poly.

If a couple has poor communication skills, or just isn't at stop strength in their relationship they risk the relationship failing when they introduce something that is intense into the relationship. Introducing a kink or the idea of multiple partners can ONLY work if both sides have open and honest communication between ALL members of the relationship.

If you can't tell your partner or partners that something makes you unhappy, or makes you feel jealous or makes you feel something then you risk having that relationship fall apart. If you can keep everything open and honest with good dialog even having part of a relationship fail can be saved.

I suggest sitting down with your partner and finding out exactly what everyone wants, set the rules for the dynamic and follow them. And come up with a time (maybe a month) where you sit down and review what has happened and what you would like to happen or not happen in this new dynamic.

Also it is common for relationship to even though claim to be 24/7 are not truly 24/7. There are times in a relationship where you have to go back to playing the vanilla roles. Sometimes its around kids, sometimes its for teacher conferences, sometimes its for work or family events. You play the role of "equal" even though both of you understand the power dynamic you have.

DW

hank submissive male​(sub male) • Sep 22, 2020

I certainly hope you can I pray that my Domme and I will be in a monogamous femdom relationship and build up the trust even more than a normal relationship requires. I hope that we can talk and hash out a plan to make this a success it will have to be flexible and be ammended from time to time because what works now may need to be changed in a year or six months down the road

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 22, 2020

It's more likely down to most people being shit at making things happens themselves. Regardless of wherever they're poly or not.

Nine out of ten people will be lazy shits making excuses. 1/10 makes it worth it once you finally meet them. Some in that 9 area can be taught and change but you have to really guide them into things.

Also you're burying yourself in books too much. It's quite possible you're coming across as overwhelming to others by painting it out as something that has to be difficult. If that's how you approach the situation it's probably why it is. An easy going attitude and being more "casual" about interacting with others (even publicly when recently met) tends to go a long way. It's that "Not worrying" attitude. Same concept as "control". Some people just ooze it and are in it without being too serious about it. Those are the people that are making things happen more. You don't see them going "It's all serious" (and control certainty is). You see them getting you to do things you might normally not and enjoying it. Now consider how you can do that with "X concern here". Which in your case is poly. Making sexual/intimate/affectionate fun happen while ensuring proper support is established quickly might be more accurate (eg: Worry less about "poly dynamics" and more about "Engaging with people").

Obviously there will be concerns. But it's like how I treat the topics of "control" and "How people mistrust". I phase it in a way that benefits them. When it comes to "sex around others" I might ask something like "Do we have to hide to be happy?" I honestly don't mind if others are bumping uglies nearby/around me. Just as long as I get involved (not saying in that moment) in a timely manner. This comes down to "space" when being around. But space and distance aren't the same thing.

One can be quiet doing their own thing when nearby for example. Being lewd with others can also get someone to "kickstart" being lewd with you at times. Ideas with others can lead to implementing those ideas with you. That has more to do with sharing "experience" then love.

Which brings me to the topic of love I guess. You have to make it happen. Even love is based on actions of expressing and showing support while making sure another does the same back. Love is not a feeling. It can not be a feeling too. Love is not an obligation. No one's entitled and people change their minds. What love is is a promise. One made knowingly before it's felt or one made without realising. Everyone enjoys affection and appreciation. It's always better to make people feel special SOONER. If you hold back with someones happiness then I argue you're holding back. Why? Because of your mistrust? But if you don't make them feel like they matter they lack incentive to make you feel special too (and thus struggle to reciprocate).

The issue of course is when the "spark" starts to sizzle out down the line. Which happens in the sex area too. Very common. Often because people "wasted time" doing more worrying then doing. This is where the ultimate test happens. Take action. Make the "right moves". Be less negative, do more positive. Don't pretend things can't be enjoyed before actually trying to make it happen (Sex included). Otherwise you're stuck in a rut. Prove to yourself you can make it happen quickly by getting in that practice without stalling and delaying. Even if it takes a while to meet someone that's worth it at least at that point you know your own skill and talent. And don't have so many doubts when looking after them. "Quick. Clear. Decisive".

That's not how you should treat "multiple people". IMO that's how you should be treating everyone. The more you adapt with people the easier it gets. The more you go "You have that concern but it's important to be" the easier it gets to go "Let's look after each others happiness ourselves". Can others do it? Sure. But do YOU care enough to do it? I stand for nothing less. Which is exactly the reason I'll do nothing less back in return. Provided my own needs are met.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Sep 23, 2020

@ Taramafor​(sub male) Thanks for the food for thought

LordofPain56 • Sep 23, 2020

Is it ok to be married and have a D/s relationship?
To me, it would be preferred. But I'm old school and never wanted any one-night standers.