Liliac(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 9, 2020
Bunnie wrote: I am monogamous, and my Master is not. So I do understand your situation. I don’t think you’re wrong in wanting to respect his choices, and I also don’t think you’re wrong in admitting that it’s a struggle for you and that you’re doing it because you love him. In some circles that would simply classify you as a slave.
I see these fears as being stepping stones towards building more trust. It just means that you haven’t quite gotten over that hump yet. Sit with yourself and dig deep. Keep asking questions inside, until you find the answer that feels like it’s the core. For me, it was a fear of being abandoned. The trail of breadcrumbs I followed to find that truth went something a little like this... “she’ll be better,” “he’ll love her more,” “why then would he want to keep me if he has something better?” “why am I not enough?” These relationships lay all our shit bare, because there is no hiding. Nothing can be hidden for them to be able to work. Share all of this with him every step of the way. He needs to know so that he can help you with your struggle. Being on the other side of that initial struggle for the time being, I can look back now and see that it was still just a part of the process towards building our foundation. Trust. You’ll be ok. When you can reach a point of believing that some people do offer forever, you will realise that it has actually taught you to be strong enough inside, having faced all your demons, that you will be ok no matter what. I hope this makes some sense, and helps in some way. *something else I wanted to add. A practical tool I used when I felt those fears rising, was to sit down and have an internal dialogue with myself... my rational mind vs my fear mind. I would ask myself if any of his past behaviour has suggested to me that he is untrustworthy or seeking to do me harm. I would ask myself if I trust him. That helped a lot to help me realise that my fears could blow everything out of proportion if I allowed them to run wild. Eventually my rational mind simply had enough “evidence” to prove that I can trust him to be responsible with my heart and vulnerability. Again. Thank you so much Bunnie. I have been so lost with these questions in my head because everywhere I turn to, people just say, it doesn't work and that I am definitely lowering myself in order to appease him but I know that is not true in my heart. We are both willing to work upon ourselves cause we don't want to lose each other and in the process ourselves too and this just helped me a lot. Thank you. I really appreciate it. |
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Online now
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Bunnie
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4 years ago •
Nov 9, 2020
You’re most welcome. Sometimes the road less travelled can be a lonely place, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find our happiness there. To me it sounds like you’re both approaching it from an awesome place if awareness and understanding. Keep trusting in each other, and you’ll find your own path
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Kara(sub female){Dark Roast}
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4 years ago •
Nov 10, 2020
It's not going to work....as is. I have been reading this thread and know that it's not going to work. Mono people want someone to be a big basket and hold all the things they need. when they find that it's not possible, they take some things out that they absolutely don't need and deal with not having them. Poly people see it as getting person A to hold thing x, person B to hold thing y, and person C to hold thing z. They're comfortable with the the arrangement and are okay with holding some of their partner(s) things but not comfortable holding everything given.
I do know of mono people in poly relationships who make it work. They negotiate with their partner for scheduled time and have a large support group to keep them busy doing platonic activities. They know that their emotional needs will be met, so they're okay with their partner having their needs met. It's also a little easy to feel less able to be replaced when Bob is your movie date and Sue is your person to try out all the new restaurants with, or so I am told. If you're going to make this relationship work, you'll going to need to learn to think poly. It's honestly a lot easier than most of us think. Either that, or find someone who will want to be your big basket because you want to be theirs. |
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Miki(masochist female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 11, 2020
Poly and mono are mutually exclusive. Think of it as similar to a vegan thinking about having a relationship with someone who owns a steak house franchise or a freakin' butcher shop, or inviting a bunch of wrinkled up old nuns... devout ones-... to a fucking Chippendales show in Vegas.
Oil and water, baby! |
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Liliac(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 11, 2020
Kara wrote: It's not going to work....as is. I have been reading this thread and know that it's not going to work. Mono people want someone to be a big basket and hold all the things they need. when they find that it's not possible, they take some things out that they absolutely don't need and deal with not having them. Poly people see it as getting person A to hold thing x, person B to hold thing y, and person C to hold thing z. They're comfortable with the the arrangement and are okay with holding some of their partner(s) things but not comfortable holding everything given.
I do know of mono people in poly relationships who make it work. They negotiate with their partner for scheduled time and have a large support group to keep them busy doing platonic activities. They know that their emotional needs will be met, so they're okay with their partner having their needs met. It's also a little easy to feel less able to be replaced when Bob is your movie date and Sue is your person to try out all the new restaurants with, or so I am told. If you're going to make this relationship work, you'll going to need to learn to think poly. It's honestly a lot easier than most of us think. Either that, or find someone who will want to be your big basket because you want to be theirs. Thanks for your answer Kara. I find your point of view very interesting. I think the only difference in here is, I have never wanted a traditional relationship where I settle down with one person. Don't get me wrong. I am monogamous and only one person is enough for me but I am quite career oriented and my values of life wouldn't allow me to settle down with one person due to various issues in life. That's why my basket doesn't have some of the stuff normal monogamous people have in their baskets in the first place, part of the reason why the relationship has worked so far. But I agree with thinking poly as a way in splitting my attention into many places as to not solely rely on my partner. That would take a load off my partner and on myself also. I am trying to go out more, hang out with more friends and try to work on myself in order for me to feel secure in this relationship also. Thank you for your input Kara. This has given me a lot to think about. |
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Liliac(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 11, 2020
Miki wrote: Poly and mono are mutually exclusive. Think of it as similar to a vegan thinking about having a relationship with someone who owns a steak house franchise or a freakin' butcher shop, or inviting a bunch of wrinkled up old nuns... devout ones-... to a fucking Chippendales show in Vegas.
Oil and water, baby! Lol..that actually made me laugh out loud. Thanks for the examples Miki. I think the reason why I am trying to make it work is that, although I am a monogamous person, I have never had the normal inclinations of a monogamous person. Due to the distance and all the other things in life, unfortunately, I will not be able to be with him in the traditional sense of being together. I do fall only for one person and one person only and while I do not hold my partner to the same standards(Cause I knew he was poly in the first place), I am just struggling to cope with my feelings and is trying. I don't feel jealousy in the slightest, merely the feeling that "He is going to leave me cause I am not enough" which says a lot about myself more than it does him. So that's the area I need to work on myself. I do know this is an unconventional relationship but we are both willing to work on it through lots of communication so we will give it a shot. I do have no illusion love is not always enough but in this case, we are willing to give it a try. If it works out, it will work out. If it doesn't, at least we won't be bitter towards each other. Thanks for your input Miki. I appreciate any kind of input. |
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MelMell(dom female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 11, 2020
The best thing to do is talk it out with your partner and tell them how you feel about the situation. I’m personally poly but I’m probably different than most people when it comes to poly as I will only be with my own subs and they can only be with each other.
Another thing you have to take into consideration is that this person wants you and they want to keep you. They won’t leave you out of the blue. When you are feeling jealous think this “he wants me and he comes back to me every day” and honestly that’s what really matters. That he comes back to you every day and cared about you. |
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Taramafor(sub male)
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4 years ago •
Nov 14, 2020
You focus on keeping each other involved. Regardless of whatever factors at play. I've had to adapt with this a fair few times. Forced at first. You don't CHOOSE who's interested in you. They might not even choose you.
If you care about everyone involved, you find a way to make it work. And "their happiness" is still "their and the other person". But it doesn't mean you're being "replaced". If time and activity is lacking however then there's likely reasons OTHER then seeing others. Face it. You will be boring at times. Others will be sought out over you. It happens outside of a relationship already anyway. "These games are more interesting. Playing with other person is more interesting." DEAL with it. Sounds harsh I know, but you have too. Just try to control your... pent up negativity. If you have too force yourself to remain calm. Takes practice. Just know that they'll come back to you. In a TIMELY manner. Without seeing 10 people before seeing you. If it's X person, Y person, you," that's fine. If it's following a PATTERN. There has to be a consistent PATTERN. Consistency. A relationship survives on consistency. But if it's "Seeing X, seeing Y, seeing X again and then taking it a step further by seeing someone else and you're last and this happens over and over... Yea... I'm tolerant. I'm understanding. But approach meeeeee. Or I'm kicking up a fuss. |
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littleMagpie(sub female)
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4 years ago •
Nov 14, 2020
Liliac wrote: I don't feel jealousy in the slightest, merely the feeling that "He is going to leave me cause I am not enough" which says a lot about myself more than it does him. Oh man. This is actually one of the things I LOVE about it all...I don’t HAVE to be enough anymore. I mean...I am enough, in his eyes I guess. But in my mind, it’s like there’s a huge load off, because I don’t have to be “enough”. I don’t have to be every single thing to meet every single need, because he has others that will meet different needs for him that I don’t, and he still wants me. I don’t have to bend over backwards to please him, he’s happy with just me, as I am. He gets things from me he doesn’t with others I guess...and from others that he doesn’t with me. If you want to make it work, it’ll take work, but you can do it. I have the loveliest relationship with my metamour which I think helps. |
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Bunnie
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4 years ago •
Nov 14, 2020
@ littleMagpie,
“But in my mind, it’s like there’s a huge load off, because I don’t have to be “enough”. I don’t have to be every single thing to meet every single need, because he has others that will meet different needs for him that I don’t, and he still wants me. I don’t have to bend over backwards to please him, he’s happy with just me, as I am. He gets things from me he doesn’t with others I guess...and from others that he doesn’t with me.” I tend to see it this way too. |
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