He doesn't want me to say "Sir"

LeaderLovingLife​(dom male) • Oct 7, 2021

For myself, I don't personally care for the default of "Sir" but that is just a hold-over from serving in the Army where officers were called Sir and if someone accidently addressed an NCO as Sir we often said, "Don't call me Sir, I work for a living." Still, if a sub starts calling me Sir it doesn't bother me.

With a sub I will often start with nothing. I mean, any msg can start with "Hi, Greetings, Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening" and then start the conversation with whatever you have to say. If I sense that we are both enjoying the exchange of thoughts and ideas I may toss in a babygirl or good girl here or there, but adding any pronouns, such as "my," are reserved until further down the road when it feels right.

Like nicknames among friends and family, with time a title will eventually present itself that just fits - one for me and one for her - and that becomes the long term title we used to address each other in the future.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Oct 7, 2021

LeaderLovingLife​ - "For myself, I don't personally care for the default of "Sir" but that is just a hold-over from serving in the Army where officers were called Sir .....snip"

Thank you for your sacrifice. (I don't say service, I can get that at the diner. Our military make a sacrifice for us.)

I have always heard that rank in the military has to do with everything BUT your subordinates. So some are promoted to a rank worthy of Sir but can still be assholes. I've known people who were ex-military who could barely navigate the civilian world because they had to earn the respect of equals or subordinates. OR worse, they weren't worthy of it.

Here we are inspired to want to call someone Sir and hopefully, they are inspired to want to hear it. (I can't say this enough... this is about connection and inspiration. One cannot order you out of the gate to call them Sir. Nor is it reasonable for them to call you any ole name they deem. Without the passion and inspiration of that intense connection, they are just words and gimmicks that make someone feel better about themselves.

Miki​(masochist female) • Oct 7, 2021

Simply put... "Different strokes for different folks" Maybe he just doesn't like being called "sir".

If the rest of you know about him interests you, then ask yourself if his refusal of that 'title" is really worth being bothered over.

After all, in a good D/s dynamic... Or any relationship for that matter.. The use of titles, terms of endearment, pet names or whatever you want to plug into this thought, should be much lower on the food chain than things that really matter. Chemistry, how you are treated, whether either or both of you are building something to last or just having a good time for the time being... Shit like that.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Oct 7, 2021

I would have a problem with this too. Not so much needing a specific pet name for me, but if my Dom didn’t want me to call him “Sir” or another term of respect, it would take away a part of the dynamic that I really enjoy. What do you say after being given a command?
“Yes, Bob”? 🤣 Just picked a random name. Doesn’t have the same effect for me.

Sophie's secret​(sub female) • Oct 7, 2021

Yes B and C, you nailed it. It takes away part of the enjoyment for me. I need that structure.
This morning he called me his "plaything" and said "you are mine"

LeaderLovingLife​(dom male) • Oct 7, 2021

I understand that he doesn't have that need, but you do... There are needs on both sides. Being a sub or even a slave doesn't mean you need to surrender your needs.
I wouldn't tell children never to play.
I wouldn't tell rabbits not to multiply.
I wouldn't tell a deer not to eat grass.
Some things just come naturally. This is a natural need for you.

Morgein • Oct 7, 2021

For me, the honorific splits the relationship apart from all others. This person and this relationship is different and part of how we designate that is through language. I call most people by their given name. It's common. Everyday. My Master is not common, and how I relate to him is not common either. To use his given name would make him just like everybody else. Yes, I realize that the honorific doesn't actually change the relationship, but the language we use does influence how we think and feel and perceive. Just as I don't call my parents by their given names, I would never expect to nor would I feel comfortable addressing my dominant by his. I too, would need some different way of addressing my dominant. It doesn't have to be Sir. Perhaps he would prefer to be addressed in some other way, even if it was simply Mr. ______. This is something that the two of you would need to discuss in order to come up with a title that works for both of you.

Bunnie • Oct 7, 2021

@ Sophie sub,

“It takes away part of the enjoyment for me. I need that structure.
This morning he called me his "plaything" and said "you are mine"…”

It seems you have your answer already.

Oftentimes when people post here, they’re not sure what they’re asking for. Sometimes what they’re asking for is permission from someone to make a decision they don’t want to make. The part that sucks in that is that no one else can do that. It has to come from you. We can all share our opinions based on the limited information given, however, whether you’re both the right fit or not, or whether you want to continue together or not, can only come from you. I’m hearing you say that you have come to believe that you’re not the right fit. Perhaps I’m wrong in that, I don’t know. Perhaps I’m right in that and you’re simply seeking validation from others that what you’re feeling is “right.” I think we’ve all been there. It’s hard to trust ourselves.

Something to remember here is that his preference isn’t unreasonable, and neither is yours. They’re just simply different.

No Body​(dom male) • Oct 7, 2021

There maybe something to that in his past. For me it was a stepfather who had to have it said no matter how much I wanted to cut my tongue out before i did. I do say it to people I respect and those above me but that is different. I do not have my subs say it but when they do I over look it as it is a sign of respect but not an order. Have you tried master or my lord? I got rock hard first time she said "yes my lord".

KittyisWatching​(sub female){Protected} • Oct 8, 2021

My answer absolutely does not apply to all Doms. Though I do not actually personally know any that would refuse the title Sir. I do know a few that would insist that it not be used until and unless you were prepared to submit to them in all ways.

However, my answer is based on my own experience. I feel, similarly to you, that it takes away from the dynamic to not be able to use any honorific towards my Sir, Daddy, Master, etc. Honorifics are an important way for me to show that, above all, that respect is firmly in place. Especially as I have a brat side and even when I'm playing in that, I still use those honorifics. The respect is still there despite what certain people believe of the Brat mentality.

I had a "Dom". Let's called him Untitled Dick. Some that are on here may remember who I speak of, but that's okay. He did not want me calling him Sir. Or any other honorific. It felt as though he used the lack of honorifics to distance himself from me even though he did use a name he chose for me the majority of the time. It was rare he used my actual name and when he did I would object and he would apologize.

However, that distance served a purpose. He ghosted me just before Christmas and less than a month before I was meant to move down to where he was so we could truly have a strong dynamic. I am fully in the belief that he used the distance he created to feel nothing when he ghosted me while fully intending for me to be crushed by it.

Especially when I heard that this wasn't the first time he pulled that kind of trick, nor was it the first time that the submissive spiraled both during their dynamic with them and when he ghosted them.

Follow your gut and listen and heed all advice. I was given the advice. I was warned. And I refused to listen. I believed him when he downplayed it or said they were lying. I trusted him even though my gut told me not to. And I was destroyed because of it. I do not wish to see anyone else in that position.