Mental health & BDSM

I call it ethical illness.

Informed Consent: This is a great example of what informed consent really means.

If you appreciate the risk factors of how we engage in this realm. And if you wish to enter into an informed and ethical relationship- be that play or more - then you can only build that foundation with honesty.

When you don't tell that other person you have denied them the right to informed consent.

Be specific: When we say "mental health issues" it is this vague, nebulous thing that some people have. But health issues of any type are not static. You don't get an issue and stay put with it. Many more health issues are both fluid and engaging. Which means they can change without warning and engage other aspects of functioning.

Also, not everyone with a given health issue exhibits or reacts to it the same. Some require medications that impact them systemically.

Tell the truth: I've always been honest with my health history (physical and emotional) and that sometimes meant I was declined and that can be hurtful, to say the least. But those who knew my story and chose to be in a relationship with me (which was the majority) were 'really' there for me.

I'm sure many more people take the risk of not saying anything than do. So it really is a question of what type of experience in play or relationship you want to have. I had a debate with someone back years ago when they discovered that I told potential partners that I was a cancer survivor (and the occasional depression that fighting that fight can cause). The disease was chronic and there was no way to know if it would return.

This person said to wait until the new guy cared for me and then tell them. And then they walk away when I care for them too? Or something happens during a scene and after the paramedics show up they find out I was not honest with them?

When anyone I was meeting told me about health issues they had I only asked two questions. "Are you dealing with it with a doctor or medical team?" and "Will you continue to be honest with me about how that is going?"

You can't depend on the whole trust concept of what it is that we do (mentioned in most profiles) and not trust your partner with your challenges or act in ways that will prevent someone from trusting you. Makes no logical sense.

I suspect that sometimes people who don't tell are not dealing with their challenges. Or not seeing the doctor or taking meds they need to take. That raises the bar and is in my book deceptive and dangerous. Since we can't police everyone's motivations, it all boils down, again, to compatibility. I need someone who is as ethical with such things as I am whether they have physical or mental concerns. Or both.

H*

I'm not sure I like the implications of that comment. Mental illness does not mean a person is going to behave in some big traumatic way.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

.....Whether you like it or not, matters not to me. Yet you failed to see the point.....the point is no matter what level of Mental Health someone is in. You have NO IDEA...what level that is....OY.... Personally I want to know that level. Are you under a Doctors care, are you taking medicine I need to know about, is what we are about to do in (terms of play) going to affect anything....I WANT TO KNOW....and I ask at the outcome of any new individual I am interested in. Asking means never having to say your sorry.....

I call it ethical illness.

Informed Consent: This is a great example of what informed consent really means.

If you appreciate the risk factors of how we engage in this realm. And if you wish to enter into an informed and ethical relationship- be that play or more - then you can only build that foundation with honesty.

When you don't tell that other person you have denied them the right to informed consent.

Be specific: When we say "mental health issues" it is this vague, nebulous thing that some people have. But health issues of any type are not static. You don't get an issue and stay put with it. Many more health issues are both fluid and engaging. Which means they can change without warning and engage other aspects of functioning.

Also, not everyone with a given health issue exhibits or reacts to it the same. Some require medications that impact them systemically.

Tell the truth: I've always been honest with my health history (physical and emotional) and that sometimes meant I was declined and that can be hurtful, to say the least. But those who knew my story and chose to be in a relationship with me (which was the majority) were 'really' there for me.

I'm sure many more people take the risk of not saying anything than do. So it really is a question of what type of experience in play or relationship you want to have. I had a debate with someone back years ago when they discovered that I told potential partners that I was a cancer survivor (and the occasional depression that fighting that fight can cause). The disease was chronic and there was no way to know if it would return.

This person said to wait until the new guy cared for me and then tell them. And then they walk away when I care for them too? Or something happens during a scene and after the paramedics show up they find out I was not honest with them?

When anyone I was meeting told me about health issues they had I only asked two questions. "Are you dealing with it with a doctor or medical team?" and "Will you continue to be honest with me about how that is going?"

You can't depend on the whole trust concept of what it is that we do (mentioned in most profiles) and not trust your partner with your challenges or act in ways that will prevent someone from trusting you. Makes no logical sense.

I suspect that sometimes people who don't tell are not dealing with their challenges. Or not seeing the doctor or taking meds they need to take. That raises the bar and is in my book deceptive and dangerous. Since we can't police everyone's motivations, it all boils down, again, to compatibility. I need someone who is as ethical with such things as I am whether they have physical or mental concerns. Or both.

H*

Wow, i find this is a thoroughly well thought out response. Reading it took my thoughts a couple of places.

"If you appreciate the risk factors of how we engage in this realm. And if you wish to enter into an informed and ethical relationship- be that play or more - then you can only build that foundation with honesty."

Love this.
i think this applies universally to intimate relationship. For me the goal of intimate relationship is to connect and bond. I think that requires we first have understanding and awareness of how intimacy works, what i see as principles of intimacy. Then dedication mutual dedication to those principles. Intimate relationship involves vulnerability with the potential mutual reward of knowing, being known, accepted, loved. That cannot happen if we are holding some part of our self in reserve or hiding. "Honesty" is openness, openness is vulnerable.
i think it is fear of rejection that motivates one to hide, not be open, but the result of hiding is the very thing the hider seeks to avoid: the hidden part not being accepted because it remains unknown.

We should acknowledge that such self-disclosure is a very difficult thing to do.

To let yourself be that vulnerable so soon and in the face of maybe finally meeting someone with potential takes a lot. It also often feels contrary to let another have that power compared to the strength you've had to develop to deal with those life challenges in the first place.

But at the moment, hearing "I don't want you" can be crushing. Especially when it relates to a condition you did nothing to cause.

It is understandable that many struggles with such honesty. No one can fault them for that struggle.

And the rejection cuts deep no matter who the other person is. The one man who didn't want to go forward with me as a cancer survivor wasn't any great loss. We had one date after talking a lot. Then silence. Then he messaged me online acting interested and then dropped off again. Finally, I pointed out that he was giving mixed messages and he said: (paraphrasing)

He: "You know I was engaged to that woman and her son got cancer? I had to end it. Then I had that friend who died from cancer and now I meet you."

Me: "And?"

He: Well, I am starting to see a conspiracy here."

I can't imagine anyone not recognizing how arrogant and obnoxious these remarks were. Especially the woman he claimed he was going to marry and her son.

Still, it hurt so much.

Even as I told him to take a hike because IF I got sick again (I did by the way) I would want to focus on getting well and not babysitting him until he bailed on me as he had others.

They're out there and they hurt us from time to time, but in the end, telling the truth is as much for us as much as it is for them.