A Poly/Mono Relationship

TheChimera​(sub female) • Apr 15, 2022

All of this.

DewofHermon​(sub female) • Apr 15, 2022

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this. It definitely sounds painful.

May I ask you do you have 1 sub? You said “they” so I am wondering if it’s more than 1 or multiple incidences like this.

And sounds like she was dependent on you for some financial help which is a red flag to me. If you can’t even get a text message responded in time, it’s probably over now at least emotionally on her side. I hate to say this but it’s very likely she is seeking someone else now. If I were you, I will cut loss and move on immediately.

MasterDeacon​(dom male) • Apr 16, 2022

Yes just the one. I say They as it is their chosen pronouns. They/Them. Female physically but they are non-binary.

MasterDeacon​(dom male) • Apr 16, 2022

Well, honestly all I can do is stick to the plan I've set forth. Put in an honest effort and as it has been pointed out, my feelings are valid so if I'm not feeling it working, I need to leave. Yes my sub has already chosen a secondary caretaker. They've even chosen a cuddle partner outside of the caretaker and has labeled on their side that our relationship is Open Poly. Though I'm strictly monogamous...

I feel like there is still love in their heart for me, they get jealous if some other girl shows some kind of interest in me. Well I dunno if jealous is the proper word, but there is definitely an agitation of sorts.

MasterDeacon​(dom male) • Apr 16, 2022

Even I don't understand poly, but I was raised with the ideals of monogamy. Personally when I commit myself to a person, I give everything I am to that one individual. I want no other, I see no others. Some might consider me oblivious when it comes to girls flirting with me but it isn't so, I just don't acknowledge the flirting because I couldn't care less about it since my loyalty is so strong to that one person I've dedicated myself to.

Zelia • Apr 16, 2022

I haven’t read all the replies. Being poly doesn’t mean you love anyone less or care for anyone less, just differently. There’s always a dialogue that implies diminished care and devotion, when there’s more than one partner involved. It’s not necessarily the case. It doesn’t mean that any one person isn’t enough either. It’s more giving enough of yourself and someone else giving something different. I think it’s hard for monogamous people to appreciate that since they have rarely experienced a poly relationship. Different partners bring different things to the relationship, it’s usually that simple.

In Your case, Deacon, I appreciate that it must be very hard to have to goalposts move mid game, as it were. That is a very different thing to try and understand than a simple discussion of poly and monogamous relationships. What I find more worrying than the changes that Your sub desires is their apparent lack of interest, the slow responses and monetary requests. I would be going back to basics there and exploring why things have changed in that respect before entertaining your sub adding another partner into the mix. If Your own relationship isn’t secure and making You happy it’s unlikely You will manage the changes brought about when your sub has another Dom too.

Good luck sorting it all out.

FundamentallyDom​(dom male) • Apr 17, 2022

I've got a story I saw recently that might help. A wife gets up for work before her husband each day and has a coffee while she gets ready. She's in a rush and leaves the coffee out. It really winds the husband up because by the time he then gets up the milk is warm and it he is then left with warm milk on his cereal which he hates.

Every so often he brings it up with his wife explaining how much it irritates him. Each time she apologises and says she'll try to remember not to leave the milk out. Over time it becomes a major issue in the relationship.

Most people at this point start to take sides, "it's only a small ask for the wife to change her behaviour not to have a negative impact on the husband, why wouldn't she" or "Why should she have to change her behaviour for him?"

Almost no one steps in and says well why don't you just buy a second carton of milk? She can have her carton, he can have his. Yes she might be wasting most of a carton by leaving it out. She'd do that anyway, does it matter more than the relationship?

I don't know if there's a second carton of milk option for the two of you here, but at the moment the relationship is in a very damaging downward spiral. You feel annoyed that your sub needs the relationship to change from the state it was in at the start of the relationship. Your sub went in hoping and probably believing that they could be happy in a monogamous relationship but has realised that's not the case. As often happens in conflict each side is getting defensive and angry and upset. That makes you both focus on the problem and you each start to push the other away for fear of getting hurt.

The first thing to do is to sit down with them and recognise the pain and the downward spiral. The longer it goes on the more both sides will prioritise their needs over the relationship. Come at it with a wanting to find a solution approach. If they will do the same then you have a good chance. Even if you can't find a solution, at least you can recognise an inability to get over the incompatibility and part of good terms before one side or the other does something that will make a very messy break up.

Leaving on good terms also lets you both cool off and, if someone finds the second carton of milk option lets you open that conversation again without a tonne of toxic baggage.

I'm a big advocate that relationships work when both sides put the other person's needs and wellbeing first and fail when either side stops doing that. Sometimes the other person's needs are to not be with you and while that's very painful you can't try to hold them for your own happiness when that is the case.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Apr 17, 2022

Just a brief interjection here. I see this as flawed logic. Buying a second carton of milk doesn't guarantee the careless one will stay in her lane and stick to dragging only her carton out every morning. Who's to say she won't just reach for whichever is closest (most convenient) and ultimately spoil BOTH cartons? Thoughtless people tend to operate that way. 😉

Bunnie • Apr 17, 2022

Hi @MasterDeacon,

Nice to see you again. I’m sorry it’s under such dire circumstances though, friend.
Something I was wondering whilst reading your post and subsequent responses… is this an in-person dynamic, or online/long distance? I couldn’t quite tell.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Apr 17, 2022

i disagreed with the notion of "putting the other person's needs and well being first..." on my first read, but find myself sort of agreeing as i re-read and you conclude at ending a relationship that does not work. i'd submit that is better determined before entering a relationship vs after the fact, but relationship is not always that neat and clean, eh? We learn so much about our selves and relationship in relationship.

As i mention in my first post, i think the problem/s with this relationship are because the conflict was pre-existing prior to commitment. i.e., one is wired mono, one is wired poly. The proverbial round peg in a square hole... it might kinda fit, but there will always be gaps.

To me, the question is about the "wiring." The notion of "always putting the other persons needs and well being first" is one i was raised with in a religious culture, and one i tried to adhere to for much of my life. It was the core principle of that cultures idea of "love." i think where it falls apart is the principle makes no distinction between desire and need. i may desire tea, but i need water. i can compromise, or put the other first, when it comes to tea- without harm to self. i cannot compromise on the water without self harm. i may want milk, but may need mono/poly. Again, to me, the crux is determining our wants from our needs. i think we can compromise on what we want, but not on who we are or what we need. i believe that's where self knowledge, and requiring compatibility as an important ingredient to sustainable relationship, comes into play.

i think emotional stuff is trickier to nail down, but i am a big advocate of introspection and knowing ones core needs (vs wants) before attempting a relationship. Again, i know it's not always that neat and clean, but these two did seemed to know that one was mono and the other poly before they entered into relationship? I think the fail is actually in the notion that one can deny their needs and put anothers first? i can compromise on tacos vs pizza (or "milk"), that's a want. If we are both putting each others wants first, we will likely reach a compromise where we trade off and every other week have tacos or pizza.

When it comes to "needs," i believe the time to put the other persons needs first, is before entering into a committed relationship.