I'mME
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2 years ago •
Sep 13, 2022
Re: Social Accountability testosteroneandtacos wrote: I hadn't noticed this topic. Let me know if there is a thread already. And please lend leniency in typos. Typing on a phone is a real bitch š The synopsis being social accountability for evaluation of personal dynamics. Is, are, should an individual, couple, or group be felt to legitamize, defend, or validate the dynamics of their relationships, and if so, in the presence of which conditions?
As we all know, BDS&M involve relationship dynamics which are idealy practiced with very clear standards. Physical and control factors involve depth of communication, coordination, and agreement. We also all know that the nature of relationships in and out of BDSM can slip or nose dive into unbalanced, unhealthy, or abusive dynamics. When people involved with certain lifestyle traits are made aware to others in the community, then there is a community aspect to the nature of that relationship. That's an immutable constant of humanity. We're very social. How that interaction plays out with certain individuals or cultures is likely to, and does, vary. In many circumstances a role of social accountability plays out in these interactions. It may present in different ways. Such as quiet and non-confrontational whispers among others in the community, which may sway social standing. Perhaps outright criticism or even a demand to defend a case for behaviour. In some places your intimate relationships make your partner/s strictly your property, unaccountable to outside standard. Most likely a couple or group will be held to social input and evaluation. The important part here, is that one does not have the power to dictate the standards of interaction any more than a ship tells the sea how to behave. On par with common human psychology, those standards will have more interest and integrity depending on whether they are directed at or away from the person of attention. Look at them, don't look at me. We can all come up with a myriad of personal or social situations where that has been apparent. Emboldening self righteousness of scrutinizing another, or searing pressure from being the focus of evaluation and judgement. The fuzzy facts here are that people in general care. They want to know that, to a degree, others are safe. If they suspect unhealthy dynamics or abuse, they have an emotional urge to identift or help resolve that. Even if they struggle with that management in their own relationships. Of course there are some who want others to suffer, and so promote poor behaviour, or desire others be held to rigid socio-religous standards for every thought and action. Mostly, people simply need to have a reason to believe the people in their community are in safe relationships. So, the hairy beast in the corner. How do we all manage validating the dynamics of our relationships and behaviours amongst and outside the BDSM community? How does a person, or couple provide evidence of safety and health, and when is it appropriate they feel a requirement to do so for others in a social setting? Let's make clear all dynamics are on the table. Fling, poly, monogamous, group, and amongst all forms of role dynamics. Even master/slave. testosteroneandtacos, These people you are writing about that want/need to know everyone else is safe. Are we talking about in just this community, as in dungeon and events? At the end of the day, there will be abusive [people everywhere, some may be out in plain view [just because Mary and Bob Smith do not like the way they do something] some may be hiding behind the words Protector, Dungeon owner, mod, some may belong to platforms such as TheCage, we can not control others. We can control ourselves and make our position known, in the end many people are NOT willing to do that these days. I do not live my life caring about what others think or their opinions on how I choose to live. What they going to do Kick me out of the country club? Lol, I have been kicked out of some very classy places and some holes in the wall. The sheriff's department did one time threaten to try and keep me off the lake [300 plus square miles of shoreline, LMAO] here where I live, if I didn't behave. In the end, I stood my ground for what I believe in, what allows me to lay my head down and sleep like a baby. You don't owe anyone any explanations of anything. I'd you feel you so, then perhaps you need to look inward at yourself and/or the relationship. Own who you are. |
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Online now
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I'mME
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2 years ago •
Sep 14, 2022
MasterBear wrote: Love this post!
So- i dont bother attempting to validate my relationship to the outside world. To me, that is pointless. If someone "likes" me they will attempt to validate my relationship. If they dont they won't. I am in a 24/7 M/s interracial dynamic. I own a black slave. Have been for 23 +years. We are lesbians. In our very beginning- we were invalidated OVER AND OVER by the BDSM, poly, and lesbian communities. INVALIDATED. I dont have the time, energy, desire to be validated by the world. I do- remain open and approachable. But that is the END of my job. There will always be reasons for others - no matter in or out of the bdsm community- to invalidate someone elses relationship. I dont care. Me either.... |
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Bunnie
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2 years ago •
Sep 14, 2022
testosteroneandtacos wrote: I've been unclear. I'm not talking about whether anyone should personally feel like they need to prove to others that their lifestyle is ok. If you see a dynamic between someone else, and there are questions if it strays into unhealthy or abusive territory, do you feel as if there is social accountability to show some way of validating that they are in fact both happy, healthy, and engaged entirely by choice? Do you feel any responsibility as an outside party to assess that, and/or take any actions to verify that the participating parties are actually ok?
The short answer, no, I donāt feel itās my responsibility to ensure someone is ok within their relationship. What I do feel responsible for, however, is making sure that I am knowledgeable and approachable should they feel that they need help or want to learn more. That is of course an āidealā for meā¦ still very much a work in progress of learning that balance between being responsible for my part in offering that guidance, and not allowing someone to simply try to shift their own responsibilities onto meā¦ in other words, the art of maintaining boundaries š |
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ButterfliesAndCuffs(sub female)
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2 years ago •
Sep 14, 2022
testosteroneandtacos wrote: I've been unclear. I'm not talking about whether anyone should personally feel like they need to prove to others that their lifestyle is ok. If you see a dynamic between someone else, and there are questions if it strays into unhealthy or abusive territory, do you feel as if there is social accountability to show some way of validating that they are in fact both happy, healthy, and engaged entirely by choice? Do you feel any responsibility as an outside party to assess that, and/or take any actions to verify that the participating parties are actually ok?
Your original post wasnāt as clear to me, but this is what I thought you meant. Itās a tricky area. Iāve sent a private message to other subs before about concerns Iāve had and Iāve given advice when Iāve been specifically asked. Sometimes my mama bear nature takes over (even as a sub my instinct is to look after other subs) and itās hard for me not to want to help. Iāve heard that this instinct is even harder to overcome for daddy type Doms. My experience has been that unfortunately most people learn best from making their own mistakes. So unless someone specifically asks my opinion, I try to keep my concerns to myself. |
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sexycurves(sub female)
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2 years ago •
Sep 14, 2022
It's a difficult one to answer. If I saw something that might be construed as abuse, should I do something? If so, what?
I'm aware that we're living in a world of assumptions and that people can be quick to speculate. Personally, I think it depends on what happened there and then. But if I was the person that people might perceive as being abused in public - I definitely wouldn't appreciate them approaching us and questioning our behaviour. I wonder if there might be a non verbal way to demonstrate that the relationship/dynamic is actually a happy and healthy one in a way that the general public would understand. Like I said, a difficult one to answer. That's if I have understood correctly. |
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scarlet rose
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2 years ago •
Sep 14, 2022
We need to be careful who we seek validation from. Are these people that have our best interest in mind? Also we must ask why are we seeking that validation in the first place?
You go to any financial seminar and they tell you not to follow the social norms other wise you will be broke. Same principal applies. Know who your trust advisors are, and disregard anyone else. Just like if we were to go to a party we present ourselves in a specific manner, the same must be done for all social settings. For example, if one wants to be all over someone social media accounts, first why is that, second what are you willing to bring public and what are you willing to keep private. One thing I enjoy about this is the communication and the foundation of trust. Social accountability is just that - accountability built on trust that is built by communicating. |
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tallslenderguy(other male)
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2 years ago •
Sep 15, 2022
Re: Social Accountability testosteroneandtacos wrote: The synopsis being social accountability for evaluation of personal dynamics. Is, are, should an individual, couple, or group be felt to legitamize, defend, or validate the dynamics of their relationships, and if so, in the presence of which conditions?
As we all know, BDS&M involve relationship dynamics which are idealy practiced with very clear standards. Physical and control factors involve depth of communication, coordination, and agreement. We also all know that the nature of relationships in and out of BDSM can slip or nose dive into unbalanced, unhealthy, or abusive dynamics. When people involved with certain lifestyle traits are made aware to others in the community, then there is a community aspect to the nature of that relationship. That's an immutable constant of humanity. We're very social. How that interaction plays out with certain individuals or cultures is likely to, and does, vary. In many circumstances a role of social accountability plays out in these interactions. It may present in different ways. Such as quiet and non-confrontational whispers among others in the community, which may sway social standing. Perhaps outright criticism or even a demand to defend a case for behaviour. In some places your intimate relationships make your partner/s strictly your property, unaccountable to outside standard. Most likely a couple or group will be held to social input and evaluation. The important part here, is that one does not have the power to dictate the standards of interaction any more than a ship tells the sea how to behave. On par with common human psychology, those standards will have more interest and integrity depending on whether they are directed at or away from the person of attention. Look at them, don't look at me. We can all come up with a myriad of personal or social situations where that has been apparent. Emboldening self righteousness of scrutinizing another, or searing pressure from being the focus of evaluation and judgement. The fuzzy facts here are that people in general care. They want to know that, to a degree, others are safe. If they suspect unhealthy dynamics or abuse, they have an emotional urge to identift or help resolve that. Even if they struggle with that management in their own relationships. Of course there are some who want others to suffer, and so promote poor behaviour, or desire others be held to rigid socio-religous standards for every thought and action. Mostly, people simply need to have a reason to believe the people in their community are in safe relationships. So, the hairy beast in the corner. How do we all manage validating the dynamics of our relationships and behaviours amongst and outside the BDSM community? How does a person, or couple provide evidence of safety and health, and when is it appropriate they feel a requirement to do so for others in a social setting? Let's make clear all dynamics are on the table. Fling, poly, monogamous, group, and amongst all forms of role dynamics. Even master/slave. Thanks for posting this, i think it's a great topic for discussion (and i think you did a great job typing all of this on a phone... i don't generally see Dom's who are also masochist) When i read descriptors/qualifiers like, for example: "...ideally practiced with very clear standards" and "That's an immutable constant of humanity. We're very social, " it generally evokes feelings and thoughts that derive from my own past of religious conditioning. Processing out of that was a long and tedious process (how does one get free of "God?" lol). But the process also came with some (for me) enlightenment. i qualify "for me" because i try to be clear that i know this is just my take on stuff and i don't express universal standards or truths. So, with that said.... "Our society is governed by laws" (or some variation on that theme), is a phrase bandied about a lot, i've heard it my whole life. As i see it though, it really isn't laws that govern society, but the current people in power. For instance, a recent example of that is abortion laws. Depending on who's in the place of interpreting laws and 'standards,' the standard/law can be at either end of a spectrum. i'm gay. i grew up in a religious culture AND at a time in history where the general medical consensus was that being gay is a mental illness. So i grew up believing i was sinful and sick (respectively). That was a very hard knot to untie. No one does bondage as well as religion. As a kid, when i became self aware enough to realize my attraction to the same gender, i went to the public library and (fearfully) looked under the "H" section of the card catalogue to find books on homosexuality. "Fearfully" because, as a kid, i was petrified someone would figure out what i was doing and i'd be identified. Even at the age of 12, i was heavily influenced and governed by the social standards of the cultures i was part of. It was predominant societies perception, at the time, that acting on my nature (i.e., having sex with other guys) was an "unbalanced, unhealthy, abusive dynamic." We recently had a vice president who still sees gays this way, and half the country voted for him. i don't see myself as unique, just a member of a subset of society, made up of plethora subsets, and ultimately, individuals. Where i go with this is: i work for and support a social structure that works to respect individual volition. i prefer focus and discussion on individual consent vs setting specific standards that all must conform to and are interpreted by who currently holds the gavel. |
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Dom Pinnacle(dom male)
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2 years ago •
Sep 16, 2022
testosteroneandtacos wrote: I've been unclear. I'm not talking about whether anyone should personally feel like they need to prove to others that their lifestyle is ok. If you see a dynamic between someone else, and there are questions if it strays into unhealthy or abusive territory, do you feel as if there is social accountability to show some way of validating that they are in fact both happy, healthy, and engaged entirely by choice? Do you feel any responsibility as an outside party to assess that, and/or take any actions to verify that the participating parties are actually ok?
The best you can in a situation like this is ask. I would let it go If both parties or the one that seems to be abused, confirms happiness. So there is social accountability to an extent. You can't be pushy or insist that a relationship is unhealthy if you don't in fact, know that. Perception and assumptions can bite you in YOUR ass. |
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| DomxJ |
1 year ago •
Jan 31, 2023
complicated and interlinked
My personal experience is that trust and accountability comes with time which both partners spent together, discuss conviences,it will help to build relationships in good manner.
Social media accounts sharing it's part of task or showing submission toward partner. |
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