Need advice on whether wife’s new Dom is shady.

Six Foot Four • Feb 21, 2023

What is it the kids say? #Triggered

1) It's a people thing on a case-by-case basis. Some people are looking for an online-only thing. Some people start online and then move to RL, and some folks won't start anything until after they meet in person.

2) Most of these to me aren't a 'Dom' question but a 'human' question. I think it is awful behavior, but YMMV.

3) Variable.

4) Like most things in life, the answer is 'it depends.'

5) We're all terminal; he might just not want to waste any more time. I've survived a terminal diagnosis; my expiration date just changed from 'imminently' to 'many decades later.' Your wife seems to be okay with it but you do not seem to be okay with it.

6) Can't know that without knowing him. Neither you nor I do.


I think both Knightsundere and tallslenderguy have both made some good points. To me, your wife's actions lack integrity. There is a MASSIVE breach of trust going on here, and it's not on the internet dom. It's on your wife. She is making these choices. Cops are always wary of domestic calls because a couple's first instinct when there's a threat is to protect the partner and turn on the 'other'. That is your instinct, and that is noble. It might be time to let it go and feel her betrayal. Your wife did not move from downloading *checks original post* Clubhouse to wanting to move in with this guy overnight. There have been a series of choices over a series of months. At any point she could have come to you and discussed what was going on and how she felt. She just expects you to be fine with this fait accompli that she has presented you with.

One of the key tenets of BDSM is consent, and you have not given yours, it sounds like, to any of this. You are in the relationship. You matter.

I don't know what you should do, and Knightsundere seems to know a lot more about this internet stuff than I do. I do know what I would do if I found myself in your shoes, so I am going to answer as though I found myself in the situation described.

I would act to protect the child & her future. I would act to protect my future because the six-year-old's future is tied to mine. I would start documenting everything. I would prepare myself to spend big on a lawyer. I would find a attorney; a real bulldog, and follow the lawyer's advice. The courts tend to prefer to grant custody to the mother, so you will have to build your case. The lawyer will know better than any of us on here what your odds are of getting full custody.

I've been contemplating Theophrastus of late; please consider the following: "Waste of time is the most extravagant and costly of all expenses." Do not waste time in a situation you find untenable. Men tend to cheap out on lawyers and end up in terrible situations because they are not willing to spend what it takes. Do not do this. A good lawyer will cost you dearly. Life will suck for a time. Yet the cost will in time be paid off and it will be less than if you'd got a crappy lawyer and screwed in the settlement.

I'm sorry you and your wife find yourselves here. I hope you can find a way forward that protects your kiddo.

obsequiae​(dom male) • Feb 21, 2023

First things first, i'm sorry your wife decided to not get your consent before things progresed that far, that's 100% cheating.

Is is normal Dom behavior to set up a D/s dynamic before you have even met the sub in person?
You're going to get a thousand different answers on this one. It honestly depends on the people involved, but 6 months seems a little fast for that intense of a power exchange dynamic, but like if I was just looking that on it's own and everything else was fine, I wouldn't blink at it as hard.

Is it bad Dom behavior to break up a marriage?
100% bad Dom behavior, bc it's bad human behavior.

Is it bad Dom behavior to have your sub wear a necklace/collar when they still are married and live with their spouse?
If their spouse is aware and consenting, no.

Is it bad Dom behavior to monopolize your subs time working for you and not give them a paycheck?
Not only unethical and bad Dom behavior, but also very legally grey? not sure what the labor laws would say about that one.

Is it irresponsible to enter into a D/s relationship when you are terminal?
My big question on this front would be when did she know he was terminal? before or after they struck up the dynamic. If before i'd be less worried about, and if after then that's def a problem. But, also this is just me but if I knew I was terminal I would not let a potential sub cede all control of their life to me when I know it's not going to be terribly long before I will not be around to provide that control, at least not without knowing that there's someone else who can provide for those needs once I am gone.

I have to run out the door now, but just some quick thoughts .

newyearnewchallenge • Feb 21, 2023

Shame you do not have any charming mates you could get to seduce yr wife. Cutting the new guy off at the knees might help the situation.

Re: Need advice on whether wife’s new Dom is shady.

IronWorld​(sadist male) • Feb 21, 2023

Stop begging for permission to be angry at your wife and the soon to be ex-dick who ran off with her. Your wife left you because you are a pushover and she lost all respect for you. So much so that she ran off with someone who has less than five years to live. If that wasn't enough of a red flag for her, nothing you brought up ever will be.

Slavehandler​(dom male) • Feb 21, 2023

Rather than judge based on the information provided, I think it might be good to know how another dom would approach it. And it is fairly simple from my point of view that one shouldn't add a third person without discussing it with the original sub. I would have mentioned my interest and seen if my sub was comfortable with it and act accordingly. From there I would have either made her comfortable over time or introduced the other sub and seen how it goes from there. The way she did this is reminding me of a family marriage I have seen in which she just started doing whatever she wanted, made her husband work hard to get money, have sex with other men, and just damage the husband over many years. I think you might have entered a new stage in your marriage which might be abusive or toxic. So, based on personal experience and observation I would consider getting out of it before it gets out of hand.

Kurai Mori​(dom male) • Feb 22, 2023

There is no good way to approach this... it is a mine field full of everything, literally.
So, I'm going to pick and choose my way through this...

Yes, there are red flags - but - I believe they were in the beginning of this. When we are given the 'background' narrative. Being in chat rooms, while not uncommon for people to participate in. But when group conversations move to private DM's, we begin to see a proverbial red flag appear. Because now group chatting has become private messaging. And the part in the narrative, where the OP advises that the wife is making 'friends' - we see another proverbial red flag - as we are not told about multiple 'friends' just the one.

Trust may have been given... but was it what was taken?
The comprehension between what was said and inferred, we don't have. Nor can we guess about - as we weren't there.

I'm going to jump ahead to a question - the one about breaking up a marriage.
While I don't know many who would set out to destroy or break up a marriage. I do know that there are dominants, who do pride themselves on sniping taken women. Seeing how far they can go... or get involved into their lives. They are far and few between. In thirty years of being actively involved in BDSM. I can think of two, who would fit this description.
Outside of BDSM, I can recall guys who simply got off on trying to get what the other guy had... whether they were in a relationship or not.

So, yes, there are men like that out there - without morals or code of conduct? How ever you want to put it.
Does this make them shady???
I'd say immoral, but I'm old fashion... I don't go chasing after my best friends girl, no matter how attractive she is. And if a woman is married - she is off limits. But again this is me... and I'm not everyone.

The last little bit, I can speak intelligently on is this...
Even though courts, prefer to place daughters with their mothers with regards to custody. You as the father can be awarded custody, if you can show cause, beyond the burden of doubt - that the mother is unfit.
I was able to do this with my second ex-wife, as I had enough evidence to show that she was unfit as a parent to care for our daughter. And that I, her father, a single male in a dating relationship. Could provide a stable and better relationship for my daughter, than her mother.
So, it can be done... you just have to really push the burden of doubt beyond reasonable.

Sasa​(dom female) • Feb 22, 2023

Only you can decide what's best for you and your daughter. Everyone here might have a different opinion, even judgmental ones probably. I only know what I would do. There are no prototypes of submissives, doms, or humans...
You have to decide what is right or wrong for the future of yourself and your offspring. I'm very sorry for all you as a family are going through. That is extremely difficult. I feel you care about your wife.
For me it is unacceptable to break marriage, but that is not about being a domme. It is a personal decision that keeps ME safe. I don't simply don't want that. I'd it shady? With my moral compass yes, but on the other handling in love is falling in love. It happens everywhere.

Sasa​(dom female) • Feb 23, 2023

What I see on top is that if your wife is on the spectrum, things are more difficult. What she feels and told this guy might be totally real for her, but maybe only her reality. What I have seen pretty often are women who desperately want a white knight who might come for them, and save them... damsels in distress are not seldom.

What would I do ... I would save myself and my daughter. Get myself a good lawyer, not a mediocre one. I wouldn't hope for the best, but take action.

Whatever you decide. I send you all my good wishes. Sorry for the mistakes, my mobile helps on top

RightOne • Feb 25, 2023

Your soon to be ex is the one breaking up the relationship and marriage. The older Dom is trying to have some fun and to make some more life contributions before his game is up. Work out now how to do the best you can for your daughter post divorce. Your soon to be ex may want some emotional comfort and hang on for a while...which is a manipulation of you.

pinotnoir​(dom male){given...} • Feb 25, 2023

Is is normal Dom behavior to set up a D/s dynamic before you have even met the sub in person? yes, although i'd prefer typical over normal.

Is it bad Dom behavior to break up a marriage? i think so, yes. a dom should be more or at least equally about what their sub needs. my morality tells me if "out of the marriage" is what the sub wants, the sub should be taking the reins to make that happen in their life.

Is it bad Dom behavior to have your sub wear a necklace/collar when they still are married and live with their spouse? i don't think so, no. pretty minor stuff.

Is it bad Dom behavior to monopolize your subs time working for you and not give them a paycheck? i think so, yes. but that characterization and details are only being told from your side, to be completely fair. but if he's steering her away from her responsibilities (firstly to her daughter) within your marriage, that feels dom selfish to me.

Is it irresponsible to enter into a D/s relationship when you are terminal? lots of missing details here but it has the smell of selfishness to me, yes.

My wife seems to have ceded all decision making capacity to him. I know next to nothing about this guy. Is this a safe environment for a child? you know more about him than anyone here commenting does, yet you can't answer that question. every answer here on that one is pure speculation. mine would be (drawn from the faint picture you're painting of his behavior): not likely as safe as you would probably prefer.