Using a safe word

Miki​(masochist female) • May 7, 2021

@sissyboidoinny

A suggestion:

I'd hesitate to say you're a "true" masochist just because you go without safe words. It's an individual's choice, not any honest measure of how kinky someone is or is not.

Just sayin'

Peace Out.

Dressing​(dom male) • May 7, 2021

It's probably already been said, but a safe word is like a safety net.

You may be great at walking the line, and never need the net, but if you do fall and need it, you're going to wish it was there.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • May 8, 2021

BikerDan​(other male)
"There is always risk involved when a safe word is not used - part of the attraction for some."

..........Before the shut down there was a rise in people presenting at events to talk about how horrible some of their scenes went. One gentleman's partner died in a mummification scene in front of him before he could help him. His presentation included dealing with the police who did not give a shit about this concept of consent. About how his scene rep was blown apart and some precious friends immediately walked away from him. Not to mention he lost his partner whom he loved early.

..........Others have done harm in other ways. Risk is one of those words that lie to you. When you have never experienced something, like being raped, agreeing to it in conversation is a thought experiment at best. Experiencing it is always always always going to rip open some aspect of your psyche in ways you could never have expected, much less agreed to. This may also be why some avoid the public scene. --No witness.--

..........This is the issue with safewords. As I recall, (could be wrong here) safewords came to be because 'some' people like saying, No and Stop in the moment, but they don't mean no and stop. So a not-often-used term, phrase, or gesture was used so that the top could gauge distress in the bottom. That distress can sometimes be a surprise to both. And while some have said safewords work for tops as well, bear in mind, you are not tied, or incapacitated. You can walk away or just stop the scene when you need to. It's the recipient who needs an option that keeps him safe.

..........And to be honest Dan your statement that you don't like safewords because you hate stopping a scene once you started is STILL bothering me.

"I have met several subs who wanted 'raped', and I duly obliged - a safe word would have ruined the scene. Two of the subs I had never met previously, and everything worked out great every time."

..........Personally, I find the above statement very disturbing. Then again I may be a more boring version of power exchange than some. However, I will remind you and other readers who find me a pain in the ass, that I have put at least 10 s types back together after something they agreed with left a mark they could not escape. I will never be convinced that rape fantasies are healthy. -s.o.m.e. force fantasies can be great fun but there are lines you do not cross in all things. By the time you are calling it rape, I believe you have crossed a line.- I know too many who thought revisiting an event from their past is a way of getting past it but when one is violated, that needs a licensed professional's help and time to unpack. Else you are not so much revisiting the event as you are revisiting the violent mind that caused it.

"Communication is very important to discuss urges, needs, likes, limits, etc...before the meeting. We all have needs, urges, and desires and it can be very hard to satisfy the more extreme ones."

..........You seem very driven by urges. That is your business. My experience with urge-driven people is they too often let the urge manage them and not them managing the urge. That is very dangerous. There is an aspect of what we do that can be addictive and sometimes that is great - a thrill even, but as with all addictive properties, it is not always clear as to who or what is in control. Men who want to be in control but cannot control themselves have without any input from me, disqualified themselves. Your mileage may vary.

..........For me, safewords are a valuation process. I am important and I matter. This man who approaches and repeats to me that I am important and matter but have no vote or right in what he does, how he does it and why is lying. He is selling me on a concept while at the same time, telling me all he cares about is his pleasure.

..........One of my first partners was much more of a sadist than I realized. I was new. So, I had gotten references on him from some very well-known and respected people in the lifestyle. The problem was they had never played with him or seen him play with others. (why I don't condone private hotel or bedroom scenes early on because no audience = no witnesses)

..........So after much careful communication, I agreed to a night over at his place. I safeworded, he ignored it. I safeworded a second time, he ignored it. By the third time, it took all my strength to clear my head and stop his hand and the crop (which he was using incorrectly) from coming down on me. He then asked me if I had orgasmed. I was shocked lol and said no. Seriously it was like the weeks of discussion had never happened. Then he declared the whole night had been a disaster and ordered me to go home. I had followed him up a mountain to his home and he said he would lead me down after, So, I informed him that either he or the police would lead me down. Yes. I learned the hard way like many newbies do what not to meet men I don't know privately.

..........So on that day, I learned a lot of things. I learned that the guy I 'communicate' with was not the guy I met when tied to the cross. I learned that a safeword does a lot of things. One is to stop the scene. The other is... it shines a bright light on the guy ignoring the safeword. Often those are the moments when promises fade away and you meet the real person.

H*

PerfectDrug​(dom male) • May 10, 2021

Anytime things with a new partner go beyond vanilla, I ask if they have a safe word. If they don't (they usually don't) I assign them something simple. Red to stop, Yellow to pause, etc. This is for my protection as much as theirs.

Your brain functions differently when it starts releasing all the chemicals it does over the course of a scene. Being able to read someone, knowing you're not exceeding what they can take, is so important, but even you can make mistakes. Why would you not want that last line of defense?

I've had an experience once with a woman who was so overwhelmed by the end of the scene, she said "Safe word." She was so fried that she couldn't remember to say "Red." Needless to say, after that the scene was over.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • May 10, 2021

PerfectDrug​(dom male)
"Your brain functions differently when it starts releasing all the chemicals it does over the course of a scene. Being able to read someone, knowing you're not exceeding what they can take, is so important, but even you can make mistakes. Why would you not want that last line of defense?"
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Very true but more than that.

People have health issues that they are either not upfront about or aware of. My first Master and I did a lot of suspension bondage. Then one day he had a heart attack and died sitting on his couch calling for help. I had no idea he was at risk for that, and if he did know, he didn't tell me. Had I been incapacitated at the time of that heart attack, two people could have died in that apartment.

People take medicine or just drugs and don't tell you. That is how the man died in the mummification scene. He didn't mention to his partner that he had taken some drugs right before the scene.

Blood flow, heart rates, blood pressure all change in addition to the release of natural chemicals in your system. To refuse to use a safeword because it cramps your style is just reprehensible. In my book, it makes you a dangerous top.
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For a long time, I have wanted to see a class at large events about ethical illness. People don't always know the far-reaching ramifications of their health issues or the changes they go through systemically in response to the health issue or medicine that treats it.

We may roll the dice in the things that we do, but that doesn't mean we can ignore common-sense safety measures that are easy to implement.

BikerDan said all his scenes ended well. That may be true, however, it is my experience that sometimes the bottom is so embarrassed at what they agreed to or allowed to happen that the last person they talk to is the top. I am not sure people appreciate how big an issue this is.

H*

Bratty and Cute • May 11, 2021

This is the type of experience I’m looking for. Would love to hear more advice you have to offer! Safe words are for everyone’s protection. I had a Dom (my first) who told me I was not allowed to have them. That didn’t last long.

ThisIsTheWay​(dom male) • May 11, 2021

I think safewords should be used with anyone, not just someone new . just because you think you know someone doesn't mean they won't have a off day. Causing them to stop a scene earlier than normal.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • May 11, 2021

Starwarsnerd​(dom male)
7 hours ago • 05/10/2021 10:56 pm
I think safewords should be used with anyone, not just someone new. just because you think you know someone doesn't mean they won't have a off day. Causing them to stop a scene earlier than normal.
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It's the seat belt rule.

You forget it's there when you have no problems. But when you have problems it can make a big difference.

And there are always those who want to argue that they knew someone, or read something where the seatbelt locked the person into a dangerous situation. To which I say BS.

Some things are rare and others are typical. Most of the time, seatbelts, like safewords are used smartly and typically they help a situation. You should never abandon a safety protocol on the off off off chance that something rare will occur when the typical stuff is dangerous enough.

Slpnot​(switch male){Haven't be} • May 11, 2021

You are so right . The seat belt rule is a good one it should be practiced. I am an advocate of the safe word . I believe in the safe word . I asked this question for the conversation to see what everybody else thinks of this thank you

rubberdollyboy​(sub male) • May 12, 2021

I apologize in advance if my post is too long, but after rereading what I wrote I realized I have a lot to say here.

One of my fetishes is "fear play" in which I'm tightly bound and totally helpless when my Domme in the scene decides to take the play into a direction I didnt think of (such as finishing my bondage so I'm completely at Her mercy and then dragging my helpless form out of our private space and into the hatchback of Her car to take me to another place that we hadnt discussed before the scene - which might turn out to be a kinky play party like the one at the house where we first met, but not having been told or knowing in advance is the scary part, especially if I'm blindfolded so I have no way to even see where we might be heading to). This is an example of just one possibility, but the fear of not knowing is a big turn-on for me (I only play with someone I totally trust, so there is a limit to what I might expect to be done to me).

Lately my Mistress and I have started experimenting with CNC (consensual non-consent) which we define as, I consented to allow Her to put me into severe inescapable bondage, and now She can do whatever She likes, even without any additional consent from me (most likely impossible anyway since I'm usually wearing a tightly cinched and padlocked gag when we play), and as long as it's not something on my hard limits list (but might be on my "soft"-limits list), She can go ahead and my consent is implied even if, in the moment, my mind is screaming NO, PLEASE NO! We do use safewords, primarily implemented with hummed tunes such as "Shave and a Haircut" for RED (which I can hum even if tightly gagged) and we also have a Yellow, but in our CNC play one of the Rules I'm subject to is that Yellowing earns me an unspecified but quite severe punishment (the last time I yellowed in a scene, she stopped doing what I was yellowing about but almost immediately moved my still-tightly-bound body over to a table, strapped me down to it, and started whipping me with one implement after another, whacking my latex-encased ass so hard I was literally in tears from the pain, going on for FAR longer than I thought reasonable or likely, but in the aftercare I told Her it had still turned me on - mainly because I was SO completely helpless the whole time it was going on).

When getting into elaborate scenes like the one I discussed above, I think it's usually best to use SOME kind of safeword, even if as I said, in our scenes I know I will incur a serious cost for using a Yellow, and if I use a Red I better be dying, because I've been told if I ever RED without a safety-related justification, that will be the end of not only that scene but our relationship and friendship too. The most obvious concern with safewords if being played with by someone I'm not deeply familiar with (such as a new Domme for the first or second time), is that even if I safeword, will She respect it? So there is a need for trust even with safewords, since once I allow someone to lock me into inescapable bondage (one of my biggest fetishes), what if She decides to go off in some weird direction, possibly skirting one or more of my hard limits? This is not something that is always guaranteed to end well, even if there's no actually malignant intent at the time. Needless to say, I consider safewords not a perfect answer, but necessary if we are to engage in kinky play with new people at all, ever.